Living too far to really bond

carmen_grower_2007January 23, 2010

We moved to our farm about three years ago and seldom see our kids/gkids. Actually, when we lived within 20 minutes of them, we seldom saw them but now they are complaining that we 'chose' to move 2 hours away and there is friction in the relationships. I personally don't drive and when we go into the city to visit, we can only stay a couple of hours because we have a dog here.

Frankly, if we hadn't moved, I would have been asked to babysit my daughter's two daughters while she worked and I would have said 'NO.' I raised four of my own and don't want to raise any more. So, I would have been SOS even if we had stayed. Would like to hear more from you that are not the close doting grandparents.

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sylviatexas1

If I never hear one more person accuse somebody else of "choosing" whatever, I think it'll be just fine!

This is an attempt to guilt you into doing whatever is convenient for your daughter.

Smile cheerily & change the subject.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2010 at 5:32PM
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momj47

You aren't going to get "permission" from this grandmother to ignore your grandchildren.

If I could live two hours from my grandchildren, I'd be in heaven. They live 2000 miles away and I fly down every 8 weeks to spend a week with them and the family (though my SIL is in Iraq this year). I can't get enough of them. They are the light of my life. I wouldn't quit my job to babysit (unless there was some terrible tragedy, heaven forbid), but I won't miss any opportunity to spend time with them. I've discovered that one of the great joys of raising three of my own is having grandchildren.

You are not living to far away to bond with them, you have chosen, for whatever reason, not to bond with them. But you don't want to be away from your dog for too long!?

If I had a farm (something I'm thinking about getting when I retire) and my grandchildren were two hours away, I"d have them out to the farm every weekend and most of the summer. What a thrill it would be for your grandchildren to spend time on a farm, especially one that their grandparents own.

I think often about how much I loved my grandmothers and how much they loved me, and how much my parents loved my children. They set the bar very high and I work hard to be as good as they were. This is the next generation of your family, that your parents and their parents worked hard for. If you want to ignore them, by all means do, but realize it's your choice and your actions, don't blame your daughter.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2010 at 6:46PM
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sylviatexas1

"I wouldn't quit my job to babysit"

but that's just about what OP's daughter wanted her to do.

OP also said that there is friction in the relationship, that she's 2 hours away, & that she doesn't drive.

& dogs do have to be fed.

& I must have missed the part where OP asked for permission, yours, mine, or anybody's, to "choose" to live the way she likes.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2010 at 4:22PM
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momj47

As I read the original post, it's not clear that the OP has/had a job, so there may have been no job to quit. I think she didn't want to babysit her grandchildren two days a week, and that's a reasonable choice. Does the OP want to babysit occasionally?

The OP doesn't say anything about why there is friction between her and her daughter. Maybe it's always been a touchy relationship, or maybe they've always had a great relationship in the past, but now her daughter feels rejected.

Two hours is nothing, it takes me 3 days to drive, 4 hours to fly to visit my family, only two hours would be just wonderful. She never says whether she invites her daughter and grandchildren to visit the farm.

From the way the OP phrases her second paragraph, it sounds like she and her husband moved to get away from their daughter (which I hope isn't the case). Is there a middle ground for this mother and daughter?

And by posting here the OP is actually asking for us to validate her decisions, something I couldn't do, but there are plenty of other forum members who find her decisions very reasonable. By posting here, we all open ourselves up to other opinions, even if they are not the ones we want.

That's the way life and families are.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2010 at 7:26PM
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oilpainter

sylviatexas
There was no job. This lady does not want to have much to do with her kids or grandkids. There are always 2 sides to every story and I sure would like to hear her daughters.This family sure doesn't communicate.

I cannot even imagine cutting out my son and grandkids--especially my grandkids. No I would not babysit on a full time basis--not that I've been asked. My son has enough respect for me to accept a no. I love having all of them or even just my grandkids for a few days at a time though.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2010 at 4:06PM
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sylviatexas1

Any time someone posts a message, we're "hearing" their perspectve or "side" of the story, yet I don't see a bunch of people demanding "the other side" on most threads.

My post above was perhaps less than clear about the "job".

OP didn't say she had a job;
she said she had a 2-hour one-way trip, she does not drive, she does not want to be a default babysitter, & if she were closer, she expects that her daughter would try to use her as one.

The job reference came from momj47, who said
"I wouldn't quit my job to babysit (unless there was some terrible tragedy, heaven forbid)".

What I was trying to communicate was that the OP feels that her daughter is pressuring her to sacrifice her way of life to be a convenience for the daughter...
which I would compare to quitting a job to babysit the grandkids.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2010 at 5:08PM
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mariend

My grandkids and kids are spread out. I do not baby sit, will not, by choice and all understand. I did post on another the reasons why. 2 hours is nothing. One set of kids live 2000 miles and we see them about once a year now since we moved. They email/call but as teens they have lives of their own. Son and wife, no kids by choice. DD lives local in the same town, and we do not see them daily by choice on both sides. Nothing wrong. She works I don't but did so I respect their life and privacy.
If you now live on a farm, what do you farm--encourage them to visit and make it special. By the way, you can leave a dog all day occasionally, but make sure he/she is fenced in with food water heat or cool. We did for years when we both worked. No problems.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2010 at 4:31PM
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ruthy1

I would like to be more doting than I am. I work 5 days a week & live about 1 1/2 hours from all my grandchildren. I am thankful that it is only 1 1/2 hours away. The times we are with the grandchildren, they get a lot of attention. We read, play games - Hubby & I try to make sure they have a good time. Last summer, we had our 3 oldest grandsons for 3 days & nights. We had a great time - went camping & fishing & I plan to keep doing that as long as I can. You have it made with a farm! If you could occasionally have your grandchildren out on your farm, you could work on having a relationship with them. Maybe try a weekend now and then. You won't regret it!

    Bookmark   February 18, 2010 at 9:59PM
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krissie55

We may be missing a few things.....how old are the grandparents and what is their health status?

    Bookmark   February 24, 2010 at 9:17PM
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terinick

carmen_grower_2007:

Here's what works for me: VIDEO CHAT

My 2.5 yr old grandson is a thousand miles away, however; he knows me because we've bonded through the internet. We sing together, read books and in general ... goof off. It's a lot of fun and really helps when it comes time for a "real" visit filled with lots of hugs and kisses.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2010 at 11:44AM
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maime

I knew right away it had to be about baby sitting. Been there done that. I was the only female in the family that did not work, so I got a job. That didn't last long because I didn't want to work. I had to make each and every mother mad at me to get them to stop asking. I did of course baby sit for funerals and when a parent was in the hospital.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2010 at 4:03PM
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