daughter won't dress 3 yr old

BinkieJanuary 23, 2002

My daughter, age 36, feels she's doing enough just to cook for my grandson so she lets him dress himself. Most of the time he is wearing no socks in his shoes and no underpants.

His shoes and feet stink as a result. She just told me

"it doesn't matter." This attitude resulted in him needing

$2,300 worth of dental work since she put him to bed with bottles until he was two and didn't teach him toothbrushing.

Note: she is Not a busy, working mom who has to get to work in the mornings. She's unemployed. Comments?

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Didn't you post a similar question on the parents forum about this daughter of yours? It sounds like you have a problem. Wearing no underwear doesn't seem like good hygiene (although plenty of adults do it) for a 3-year-old. I read the other post and think you need to take action. The dental problem sounded severe.

Once he goes to school this problem "will matter." The school will take one look at him and suspect something is up. have you considered seeking custody of this child?

    Bookmark   January 23, 2002 at 1:41PM
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Sorry, it was the grandparents forum..

    Bookmark   January 23, 2002 at 1:42PM
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Your daughter sounds very disfunctional. Have you considered calling social services to have them investigate the level of neglect of that child?

Would it be possible to get daughter into a parenting class of some type? If social services find she is neglecting the child, they may force her to attend or loose custody of the little one. I am afraid she needs help.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2002 at 1:54PM
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Oh, no! So if she feeds him and never leaves him with any
baby sitters except me and she gives him plenty of toys, affection, attention and compliments you still think she
could lose Custody? I really, honestly doubt she'd lose
custody because of no underwear half the time and no socks
half the time. Yes; she is lazy and frazzled. I admit that.
But I never thought she could lose custody over this issue?
I'm trying to imagine myself telling a judge her son isn't wearing socks and the looks I'd get. I'm furious about it but.....I do know the dental neglect is much more significant. She just bought him Colgate toothpaste for kids. I wish to God she had done it 2 years ago.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2002 at 8:27PM
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I am having a hard time reading you here (maybe because this is the Internet) but it seems like you are complaining and then defending your daughter's behavior. You did this in your other post, as well. What is it that you would like to see happen? Are you just getting things off your chest? If you are serious then the dental neglect, etc. could signify just the beginning of something very scary. But only you know your daughter and what she's capable/not capable of doing.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2002 at 9:28PM
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I personally don't see what he problem is. Yes he probably should wear underwear, but it won't kill him not to. Same with socks. As far as the teeth go, it is terrible, but I had a friend who had the same problem with her daughter. This daughter just had softer teeth. My friend is very intelligent, yet let her DD sleep with a bottle of kool-aid. She didn't think bottle mouth would happen to her child. It does. It may not be a case of neglect (as the implication seems to be).

Her parenting skills are not the same as yours, but that doesn't make them wrong. If he's fed, loved, sheltered and clothed (for the most part), he's fine.


    Bookmark   January 24, 2002 at 7:34AM
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No I'm not wanting to get this off my chest. As I clearly stated I was looking for others' thoughts on this situation and am most grateful for all I received. I need to know when I'm overreacting because my heartrate speeds up
and I get very stressed and agitated. I wait for the next shoe to fall and anticipate terrible things happening.
When I post what I'm seeing it gives me a BETTER PERSPECTIVE on it. Binkie

    Bookmark   January 24, 2002 at 9:25AM
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I reread your last post. If I understand correctly, your daughter and grandchild live free because of a home you let her live in. Also, she does not work. This makes me want to ask a few questions... First, if she doesn't work, how does she have the money to go shopping, even at thrift shops, six or so days a week? Second, if you own the house, then why don't you make it a condition for her living there that she keep it reasonably clean and tidy. What you described in your other post sounds like a health and fire hazard to me.

Six root canals, crowns, and an extraction at 3??? I understand why you say that was serious. I'm glad to hear she got the toothpaste. Now, let's hope she follows through with teaching him to brush.

Yes, occassionally not wearing socks or underwear is probably not grounds for social services to step it, but if what you've described is true, I would guess they'd step in in a heartbeat.

What you have described is a child running around in a house packed full with stuff, everything in chaos, a child with a mouth full of rotten teeth, running around half naked and stinky feet. All of this with the Mother's attitude as "it doesn't matter." Now, what do you think social services would see?

    Bookmark   January 24, 2002 at 1:07PM
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Based on this post as well as a prior one that I read, I would say if your assessment of the situation is accurate, social services might very well step in and remove him from that environment. The underware & socks are not too significant, but the attitude of housekeeping, condition of his teeth, etc. certainly indicates a level of neglect.

Could you encourage her to attend a parenting class?

    Bookmark   January 24, 2002 at 1:21PM
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Thanks so much. She'd not attend a parenting class. She'd say they were "full of losers." The situation is this: he is running around an extremely disorderly house playing with his hundreds of toys and his teeth have been capped; they look pretty nice. His feet don't stink after his bath, of
course. She FINDS his socks in big piles of clothes that are on the floors. If she feels like looking for them.She does not and I doubt has Ever picked up his socks and folded them and put them away like I did for her.She makes money by buying things at thrift stores for almost nothing and sells them at huge profits on Ebay. Social Services DID COME to her place a year ago and took him to the hospital where he was pronounced, "a well baby with cavities." She left that state soon afterwards so they never followed up.B.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2002 at 2:41PM
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I really feel for you and your grandson. I hope it all works out for him.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2002 at 6:52PM
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Thanks one and all. Tomorrow at 10am he has a dental appt.
They don't know he has a huge, black cavity in the center of his back molar. He was going to get a "spacer" a metal device that keeps the 2 teeth on either side of the empty space from coming together.
I haven't spoken to my daughter in 4 days. She has SEVERE PMS and really told me off over emails using the worst language imaginable. Then when her boyfriend came thru with a lot of gifts she's all "I'm sorry; I love you, mom" stuff.
My husband is very hurt; he spent middle five figures for their house and he takes it personally when she treats me like dirt. Her real dad has been paying her phone bill; it's all he does so maybe he feels guilty. Binkie

    Bookmark   February 3, 2002 at 8:37PM
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She just may be getting TOO much help. If this continues she will probably never assume adult responsibility such as getting a job and paying her own way.

One enables their child when they continue to take care of them after they have become adults, and I really feel no one is doing her a favor. (exception to this is if the person has a disability)

    Bookmark   February 4, 2002 at 3:34PM
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JT--I agree w/you. If it were not for her fantastic son we'd do much less. And if you heard the profane names she calls me over email and heard the loud screaming scene she made in my car yesterday while transporting her home after spending $400 on her son's tooth you would be totally floored. She wants us to "kick her out" of the house for some sick self fulfilling prophecy reason. She Tells people we're going to kick her out even when we keep telling her we're not. A part of her Wants us to throw them onto the street. Her son, age 3, said "calm down, mom" 20 times on the way home. She yelled at him, "SHUT UP." He is starting to recognize sanity from insanity at this young age.I remained cool and calm driving 70mph. Somehow she has gotten the best boyfriend she's ever had; he has No Idea about this other side of her. Poor guy; divorced twice at 40 now he's in love w/my daughter. Binkie

    Bookmark   February 6, 2002 at 3:57PM
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she needs the school of hard knocks--but be very careful of the SS--they could take that baby and none of you would see him again!!Thats what happened to our grandson--we had been taking care of him and making sure he was feed--but his mom picked him up then did something to get herself in jail while he was with her--that was dec. we havent seen him yet--hes is foster care while they deceide whats best for him--his dad and us are very hurt and saddened over it all--so be careful--but you do need to give her some tough love!!

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 7:32AM
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char, I know it! On Judge Judy this ten yr old grandson told grandma that mom thru a phone at him. DPS came in and put the child in foster care. Before that, grandma told a lie to DPS. Grandma said she is not allowed to even SEE her grandson for YEARS because she lied. Talk about backfire!
I'd just Die if I couldn't see my sweetheart. Mom got the boy back after Parenting Classes but grandma and grandpa are barred from seeing him. I don't get it. Judge Judy said to grandma: "even if you won't see him FOR YEARS you know you did the right thing by telling DPS about this." Binkie

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 11:23AM
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