Grandparents Wanting to be Parents
This is the issue, although there are many that have led us to this point.
My MIL and FIL want to dictate to my husband and I when they will see the kids, and this is not negotiable.
Now some background: We have three children ages 2.5,3.5 and 5. When my eldest daughter was born my Husband and I worked a lot in a Metropolitan City and commuted several hours a day. She was in childcare for practically 12 hours a day. My Husband was a VP and under extreme stress and I was a Retail Manager working excessive and odd hours. We made 6 figures a year but knew we had no life. Then my second daughter was born and we knew that if things didn't change they would have no quality of life with us. So we took huge paycuts and moved to my Husbands rural hometown and two doors down from my in-laws hoping to attain some kind of balance for our childrens sake. Thats where it all begins. We had the girls stay with my in-laws while we sold our house in the city and packed everything for the move since it all would have to go into storage. This was the longest two weeks of my life since my babies were so young, but it was just not safe for them at home. My in laws let us stay at thier house while we closed on ours and got it ready to move into. This lasted a very long month. Finally after nearly killing eachother my MIL and I were able separate which was good for the both of us. My In laws offered to watch the kids while we went to work although I insisted on part time day care they refused. This went on another few months and then came number three a beautiful boy. Now there would absolutely be part time daycare, but I had to compromise with only the oldest two going part time to keep the peace. My MIL insisted the baby should go to a lady she knew on a drop in basis only if she was not available. While it seems as though we should be greatful for having such helpful parents there are the downsides. My inlaws have insisted my Husband and I take the kids to their house befor daycare so they can eat breakfast and they will take them to school, so they don't have to eat too early since my husband an I leave for work at 7:15. My inlaws pick the kids up from school every day at 3:30 instead of me picking them up at 4:45, not because we ask them to but because they feel that they are at school too long. That means every day I have to get my kids from their home where, my MIL proceeds to tell me (and everyone else for that matter) how difficult it is to watch three toddlers)how exhausting they can be until I get there. Now mind you this was their idea. My two precious daughters are both in Pre-k one in advanced because she has a Sept. 1 birthday. All 3 stay for a long day M,TH and F and my inlaws pick them up after class at 10:30 on Tu. & W. My son goes all day only on M,W,F. and stays with the inlaws all day Tu & W. Now this schedule is extremely hectic and there are times that my husband and I are told to bring pull-ups, milk, juice to either daycare or other items to their house, and we do forget. No to mention dance bags for the girls who have various classes throughout the week. Three toddlers can be overwhelming working full time. Try as we may we are not perfect.
Now to the blow-up: My MIL yells at me in front of my children that I make her feel like S**T! I don't concern myself with what they need. So I put my foot down and say "I appreciate everything you have done and we could never have made it to this point without your help, but it is time that we take our responsibilities back as parents and we will make the necessary arrangements for their care. You are welcome to see them and visit them, but it is no longer necessary for you to be involved daily with our lives, this is our family."
So now here lies the problem, my MIL and FIL have expressed to my Husband that they are dissapointed in him because our youngest does not need to be in daycare everyday for no reason. My MIL feels that I have stolen the children from her. They insist that they get my son on Tu & W. and pick the girls up early from school daily. My problem is where is what I want in all this. I have no say on snacks, candy, nap time, my 5 year old refuses to sleep in her own bed because my MIL takes naps with her in her bed. They don't eat dinner because when I pick them up they have handfuls of candy at 4:45 or chips dipped in ranch dressing (don't get me started). I know their heart is in the right place, but we just need some space to build our family, rules and values. My husband and I need to grow together and make choices for our family whithout the constant fear of dissapointment. I've tried to talk to my MIL and she says she knows its our decision but she doesn't like it and continues to do things her way and demands things be done hers, because she raised hers and her daughters (whom by the way was just a working mom allowing her mother to help with childcare). I have drawn the line in the sand and taken the kids to daycare done, things on our terms and all seems to be going well but its only been a week. My husband is miserable being at odds with his parents, but feels we are doing the right thing. They have too much going on in their own lives and although they feel up to it they aren't. What to I do?