emotional abuse by daughter

LynnJanuary 21, 2001

I am extremely distraught. My daughter, age 28, is living with a man who has slowly, but surely, been pulling both her and our 7-year-old grandson, away from the rest of the family. He seems to be jealous of the close grandparents relationship that I, my husband, and my ex-husband have enjoyed since the child's birth. The natural father(they were never married) is distant, and we grandparents have always been there. We were initally happy that she seemed to be in a healthy relationship, although with a man 13 years older than herself, who has never had children. However, problems soon surfaced. My daughter has never been emotionally stable, and has been through several unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationships. She loves her son very much, but has a tendency to put her lovers before her son, and gets verbally abusive toward her father, myself, and her sister when we confront her. When she is angry with one of us, she "blackmails" us by not allowing her son scheduled visits, will not discuss what the problem is, etc. We hesitate to confront her more and more, for fear of traumatizing the child, but her emotional abuse is becoming rampant. The latest incident involved me(grandma) confronting her and the live-in boyfriend over bite marks and bruises found on my grandson's arms. They claimed that these were from "playing" and roughhousing. The child seems terrified of "getting into trouble" with his mom and boyfriend. I did not make any accusations, simply informed the boyfriend that he was being too rough, that biting hurts, and that if a teacher or physician had observed the marks, he could be charged with child abuse. The following weekend, my daughter refused to let the child visit, stating that I was "filling his head" with garbage. Although the boyfriend seems to genuinely care for the child, he is domineering, and there have been other incidents of unexplained "accidents" and bruises that are always attributed to "playing around." I do not feel that my daughter is thinking of the child's best interests. I am considering hiring an attorney, but hesitate to take such a drastic step. I have always been her defender to other family members, even when she has been wrong, in order to keep the "family peace." I now find myself at a loss, and disbelieving that she would put a non-family member before her son and the rest of the family. Can anyone help or comment? Also, this man does not work; he collects disability for a knee injury, yet is able to climb the steep flight of stairs in their home, plus ride his bike for long distances. He also transports the child without a driver's license or insurance.

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Call Child Protective Services without delay. Your grandchild is in danger from this man and your daughter.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2001 at 4:47PM
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Bengal Lily

I agree with that 100%

    Bookmark   January 22, 2001 at 1:57PM
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AMEN to the above two posts!!!!

    Bookmark   January 22, 2001 at 6:45PM
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Lynn, it is time to put aside your feelings for your daughter and think of your grandchild. Your daughter is an adult now, but who will be there to protect the child? I agree to the other posters - please act fast before something unspeakable happens to that poor little boy.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2001 at 12:25AM
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I believe the other posts are correct. However, be careful.
My sister called last year because her grandson said his
mother (her daughter) "throws me around and pushed my head into the wall". CPS went thru the motions, went to the child's school and questioned him, told her daughter that it
was her mother who had called, interviewed other people and
then closed the file. Now my sister has no visitation, her
daughter will not speak to her and my sister's heart is broken. She doesn't know now how her grandson is and feels guilty that "she got him in more trouble by calling help"
She has filed a complaint with the service to no avail.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2001 at 4:37PM
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Thank you all for your messages; you will never know how much they have helped me emotionally. Currently, my daughter and I have not communicated. My ex-husband, the child's grandfather, is in touch with my daughter; he says the child is fine right now, but misses me. My daughter is stating that "I caused trouble" by telling the child that no adult, even kidding around, should bite him, and "making us look bad." I hesitate to call CPS for the reasons cited by Kara. The difficult part is that I don't think any of the injuries were done deliberately, just that this man has no common sense, does not know how to treat a child, and exhibits an extremely controlling manner over my daughter and the child. I also believe he has something to hide in his past, and this may be one of the reasons that he is slowly, but surely, attempting to pull my daughter and grandson away from the rest of the family. I am taking other steps now, and will keep you posted. Thank you again.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2001 at 3:36PM
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Lynn, I'm horrified---it takes some force to actually leave bite marks---that is not playing around! Somebody has to help the poor little kid...I hope it's you, and I'm just sick that you have to risk the confrontation with your daughter. Whew, sending a good thought...wishing you luck.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2001 at 3:17AM
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Alice Langer

You must act for the ultimae safty of tat poor child. Your dauhter's hostility, I' sure is manifested by her guilt. ultimately this crearure she is living with has got to go. In the end she may even be releaved of the pressure she is under a the preant time,

    Bookmark   January 31, 2001 at 3:45PM
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I agree with calling children's services IMMEDIATELY! And when you see this again, take the child to the nearest emergency room, where there then will be a documented visit and insist that pictures be taken. Do all that you can do to protect your grandchild - the mother doesn't seem to be doing it.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2001 at 9:39PM
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Thank you all for your and support. I did file an "incident" report,but asked that no other action be taken at this time (see Kara's message). I am upset that I did not have the presence of mind to take pictures. However, my husband and the child's other grandpa also saw the marks. This past weekend, I was "allowed" to pick up my grandson after school, and keep him overnight, although my daughter, boyfriend, and I are not speaking. My ex-husband, (her father)and I are on excellent terms, and he arranged for the visit. He has made it quite clear to our daughter that he supports me, and that it is wrong for her to withhold the child. Our visit went well, and it was wonderful to see him as it had been about a month. Thanks again.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2001 at 10:00PM
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This is a serious situation. It's happening more and more these days. If you notice any kind of bruises or injuries, call law enforcement and have them bring in Protective Services. Mental abuse to children is rampant these days and the hardest to prove. Good Luck.....

    Bookmark   March 18, 2001 at 7:56AM
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Oh Lynn,
I just read your post and it seems like you were me writing the post.I too had an encounter with my daugter's new husband.On account of him hitting my grandchildren,he is the stepfather.And I too lost the close relation that I had with my daughter because I told him that he had no right to abuse the children.She took his side and told me that my granddaughter that is 12yrs.,old is just making things bigger then what it is.And I pointed out to my daughter that if she doesn't beleive her daughter now,what is going to happen if God forbid one day her daughter tells her that he abused her in any other way.That she is not going to come to her for help.And then is when he wanted to litterly kick me out of the house,that my husband and I had helped her buy when she was married to her first husband.
Let me tell you that it has now been six years and my daughter has not set foot in our home and we have seen our grandchildren only on occacion when her ex-husband allows us to see them.
I have tried many times to talk to her and to see the children but she tells me that they come as a package and that if I don't accept her new family I don't accept her and her children.I can't accept anybody that abuses the children and make beleive like if nothing is happening.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2001 at 5:07PM
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Dear Lynn, I also think that the child should be remove as soon as possible. Why would any adult man want to bite a child, even if it's playing??? But before going through that, maybe you should hire a private investigator to get more details, check the man's background and also to keep an eye on your grandson. If the man is the violent type, your daughter is not able to do anything even if she really wanted to. I'm probably wrong but it's also a small possibility that your daughter (and man) are using drugs (her emotional abuse is becoming rampant, verbally abusive)? Hope this helps a bit and hope this situation will turn out ok.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2001 at 11:54AM
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Hi!! I really think you need to help your grandson in seeking custody, at least until your daughter seems to be more stable. I know you love your daughter, and she will be angry, but I feel if you raised her with family morals she will Thank You one day for taking a stand for her son. I will keep your family in my prayers. Best of luck and if you are still unsure, pray and ask God for his guidance.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2001 at 4:28PM
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Lynn, how much do you know about this man she married? You said you thought he may be hiding something from the past. Wouldn't it be terrible if you found out he has a criminal record? Has he been a local resident for years or from another state? It would be good to find some "dirt" on him that would help you get your grandson out of their home. I know there are agencies that can run criminal records. You might want to check into this. I don't think it would be very expensive. Can you somehow get his SS number as you probably need it to get a report run. Please get those pictures taken. Have you asked him if they have ever thrown him or hurt him? Get a tape recorder and record what he tells you. This is a terrible situation this child is in. And in defense of your daughter, she is probably scared to death of him, and that's why she is on the defensive side. Maybe she too is being abused and doesn't know how to get out.

Take action but try to get some evidence. There are too many instances happening today where people say "if only I had".

    Bookmark   December 15, 2001 at 1:23AM
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Please, please, get this poor child some help. It seems that there is abuse going on, and this child needs someone to protect him, and that seems to be you. I have to also commend you for being such a caring and loving grandmother. As for your daughter, she needs a reality check for sure, she has a good mother and she should be thankful for you caring! I hope this doesnt sound harsh, but you should speak with an attorney and if your health allows it, you should try and get custody. I know that in some states grandparents have rights. Sincerely, Dana :)

    Bookmark   August 20, 2002 at 8:02PM
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Get help, immediately! We are currently in the process of gaining custody of our 10 month old grandson,who lives with us full time, as does his 22 year old Daddy. Mom has severe problems, and has not been heard from for 5 months. Someone else called Children's services when child was 2 months and we and our son have had excellent support from them, from the police, from the legal profession and from our community. It is a privilege to save a child. In Canada, or in Ontario anyway, grandparents do have rights. We are young, retired, relatively healthy, and have almost enough money to manage this. Do it. The child comes first.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2002 at 4:14PM
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From what I have read, it seems to me that this is an abusive , controlling man. Men like him will try to keep his spouse or significant other away from family & friends to continue in the abuse. This seems to be a dangerous man, I suggest you hire a P.I. to gather whatever info you can about this man. Your grandchiid needs your help. I have prayed for the Lord to help you & your grandchild. I think that the advice you have been receiving on this forum is "on time"

    Bookmark   February 15, 2003 at 7:04PM
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