Another Wedding Gift Question

texanjanaApril 3, 2014

DH and I are now of an age where adult children of friends and acquaintances are getting married. My question concerns all of the wedding invitations we have begun receiving. I have no issues around shower/wedding invitations from kids of people we socialize with on a regular basis-local friends, neighbors, etc. I always happily buy a gift in these instances.

However, of late we have received three invitations (not announcements) to out of state weddings from adult children of people we knew years ago in other places. In one recent instance, we hadn't seen this family in years nor kept up with them through social media, etc. I sent a card and did not feel bad about it.

We have now received two more. These are from college friends who we are not close with, but who we do keep up with through social media. We will not be attending these weddings (they are several states away), so would you send a gift, card, money, anything? It's strange because I think if it were one of our kids getting married, I would never add these people to the guest list, and I guess that irks me a little. It seems like a request for a gift. Thanks for reading, sorry this is so long.

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maire_cate

If your only contact with these college friends is through social media then it doesn't seem like they're close friends. If you never see them or don't stay in touch with personal phone calls then I wouldn't send a gift. Sending a card would be a nice gesture but I wouldn't feel compelled to include money or a gift.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2014 at 8:23PM
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ellendi

I agree with Maire.
It amazes me to think there are so many like minded people. With such limited contact to they think you will actually attend or send a gift?

    Bookmark   April 3, 2014 at 8:39PM
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lyfia

Sometimes I wonder if some of this doesn't have to do with getting more gifts, but rather the being afraid to offend anybody. So they just invite everybody instead knowing that people won't come, but don't want them to feel left out as it seems with social media circles are expanded much larger and then events are talked about.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2014 at 10:30PM
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tishtoshnm Zone 6/NM

I agree with lyfia, that at least often times it is a desire to not offend or to include. Even before social media, I remember when Dh and I were planning our wedding. His mother insisted on inviting relatives that my Dh had never even met. MIL thought it was important (she may not have even met some of them). I was thoroughly embarassed about the situation when we received a return post card from the widow of one of the relatives noting that her husband had been dead for a few years. Dreadfully tacky but ignorant on our part.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2014 at 11:25PM
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mtnrdredux_gw

The etiquette of gift giving is that truly, it is always, always voluntary. Hence, from an strict etiquette standpoint, it can never be "wrong" to fail to give someone a gift.

Therefore, if you are not moved to give someone, anyone, a gift, you should not. And suffer no guilt from it.

If applying this makes you feel uneasy, then you should send a token gift and card.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2014 at 11:36PM
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ratherbesewing

The downside of social media! If it were me (and I have an invite for an out of state wedding myself), I would still feel compelled to send a gift. Perhaps a frame, candlesticks,serving bowl. Not expensive, just something.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2014 at 5:36AM
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blfenton

I am adamant about this in my own life - chances are the bride and groom don't know you from a hole in the wall. Send regrets and nothing else.

Presumptuously, I have made it clear to my friends with kids of marrying age that I am not to be invited to the weddings of their children. I am quite happy to go to a shower but not to a wedding. My DH does not know their children so why should we go? When and if my children get married we will not be inviting friends. It isn't my wedding and we don't have the extra cash to pay for big weddings.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2014 at 6:36PM
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ellendi

Blfenton, When Chelsea Clinton got married she had a no stranger rule. Only people she and her future husband personally knew could be invited.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2014 at 7:46PM
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blfenton

I like that rule.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2014 at 8:20PM
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texanjana

Thanks for all of your comments and perspectives. I am still mulling them over.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2014 at 10:45PM
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