You Don't Know

brwvabellMarch 31, 2009

You REALLY don't know.

My husband died a month ago.

God help me, I can't stop crying.

I gave plasma today.

I got 25 dollars.

I am going to lose my home.

I've lost my husband.

I no longer care.

It HURTS .. not only does the needle hurt when they stick it in your arm .. Your self worth, your pride goes to hell too.


I want to die.

God help me to understand how I got to this point.

I'm scared.

Is dying that bad?

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Greetings br WVA Bell,

Sometimes life is awful. I am deeply sorry that you lost your husband.

And, while you are hurting terribly now, I am thankful for you that you loved much ... for when we have loved much, the hurt is huge when the connection is broken.

Some time ago, when I was talking to someone in similar situation, I said that one felt as though someone had cut one's leg off. When the grieving person asked how I knew, I replied, "Cause I've been there".

Hug a pillow and talk to it as you would to your loved one, were he still here. One time 40 years ago when I participated in a group investigating our inner feelings and emotions, when they began to consider my feelings and emotions, I could not say much. The leader arranged some pillows in the middle of a circle of 25 or so, mainly clergy from various parts of the U.S. and Canada and instructed me to sit next to the pile, then to hit them with my fist. I felt embarrassed and silly, but began to do as instructed. Within a few seconds, I was pounding those pillows with both fists, to pound them through the floor ... and it helped resolve some of the logjam of feelings, anger and frustration which had been locked up within me.

I'm not suggesting that you pound pillows, though you can do so, if you feel like it, but to find some physical action (e.g. hugging the pillow) to help get the emotions moving ... and believe that they will reduce, some, as time goes along ... especially if you take some actions to help it along,

Families in an earlier day used to say that when Dad began to energetically begin splitting stovewood in the back yard ... or Mom took to running the dust mop around at a great rate, with major determination ...

... it was a good time to make one's self scarce - to get one's head below ground! To avoid a potential parental thunderstorm!

Do you have some family, or a close friend, or possibly a religious person, to whom you feel quite close, to whom you can talk freely, sharing your pain? Especially someone who has gone through a similar dark valley?

It is also deeply troubling that you are going through the great pain of losing your home at this time, as well. The place where you had shared your life, filled with many memories, that now are somewhat bittersweet. That you feel is being torn away from you, at this troubling time.

I do hope that you will have some residual assets left, after the home issue is complete. And can find a comfortable place to stay.

Life just isn't fair, sometimes!

Do you have a life-threatening illness, just now ... or are you dealing with what many do on the death of a long-time loved one, that your former life is over ... and you see little reason to go on living?

Send an email if you'd like - my address is on my profile page. [[area code, reverse the order of the numbers, 915]]

If you would like to talk, I'll leave my number scattered through this message ... evenings or weekend is cheaper ... and I can call you back, if you wish. [[prefix 652]]

I hope that you can find someone recently bereaved with whom you can share your hurt: those who have had such an experience know how it feels ... there's usually almost instant acceptance, which helps a great deal. [[number - reverse the order 7362]].

You refer to being concerned about dying.

I don't know what it will be like ... but we all get there, sooner or later.

I don't fear it, somehow ... I guess I figure that this world is, all in all, a fairly decent place, and much of the trouble that comes is man-made. And I trust that whatever system is in place for us afterward, that it will be all right.

I guess that I trust that God is good, and loves me, and that there's a good place for my spirit when my task here is complete - with a great fellowship to share.

Quite likely you've heard of some near-death experiences which some have had, of going through a dark (but not threatening) sort of a tunnel ... and that they enter into a place of intense, but not glaring, light ... and warmth.

There seems to be a substantial amount of similar experiences which such people tell of ... and they felt that, though they'd like to stay there, that they felt it necessary to return here for a while.

But - I haven't heard of any of them feeling any sense of anxiety at all regardig the prospect of going to that place? experience? when the appropriate time arrives.

I send good thoughts and prayers that you may feel some easing of the hurt, soon. And that some of the issues hanging fire get resolved in a way that you find deeply satisfying.


ole joyful

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 10:56PM
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Please call your best friend or most understanding relative now. If you prefer a stranger, there is a crisis line just about everywhere, get the operator or phone book and get the number.

Living is sometimes REALLY REALLY hard to do, but in times like these, people really do want to help. Our world-wide economic crisis makes us more responsive to those in need. We feel helpless, too, and helping others gives us a good feeling. Please don't give up without giving your family, friends, or community an opportunity to try to give you help. Your community here at the Garden Web hopes to see you post here again and tell us you are feeling better.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 10:59PM
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Hi brwvabell - I hope you come back here and post how you are doing. You're doing the right thing by reaching out. We are here for you whenever you feel like sharing what you are going through.


    Bookmark   April 1, 2009 at 8:34PM
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brwvabell - I won't tell you that I know what you are going through, but I did recently lose both of my parents. Just a few months apart. They were not all that old either. I was very close to them. While taking care of my father I decided to just let things get as bad as they want to get rather then try to put on a happy face and fake it. After a few days of rock bottom I climbed back out of the trench, got on with my life. I think that with different relationships the healing time is different but the rock bottom is pretty much the same.

By posting your message you are announcing that you are in trouble, in crisis, possibly at rock bottom. This can be a good sign. See it for what it is. Understand that you can't control anything except your own actions. Allow yourself to grieve and come up with a way to get back to some form of normal. Its ok that you're confused about what to do. I believe it is harder to heal until you allow yourself to feel everything that these sorts of situations bring.

I cry every day.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 4:20PM
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brwvabell, Please, if you are still reading, know that I'm thinking of you and I hope that you are able to reach out to someone close.

ole joyful has very good words of wisdom, and he sure did above! Please let us know if you are still reading...

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 7:35PM
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Hi, Brwvabell

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your husband, and I'm very glad you've posted here amongst friends. You've got a lot going on right now, and it's important to have someone to help you get through it all. Here's a couple of numbers that may provide some additional help:

Suicide Prevention: 1-800-SUICIDE
Befrienders International (1,700 worldwide help lines) Find a Helpline

We care about you, and really hope to hear from you again shortly. Please take care of yourself, and we'll be thinking of you.

Tamara Amey
GardenWeb Community Manager

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 12:06PM
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You are dealing with a huge loss now and it is perfectly understandable for you to feel the way you do (reactive depression). On top of this is your financial loss. This is when you need to reach out. Surely, you have others that love you and need to know how you are suffering-you need to open up to them. Sometimes people want to help but the person that needs the help is too proud or ashamed to ask.
There is NOTHING to be ashamed about.

As long as your loved one knew he was loved, his was not a wasted life. Yours isn't, either. Sometimes we place too much of our worth on $$$ and that is easy to say for me, I have a job-but health, friends and family mean more. $$$ doesn't mean anything when you are too sick to enjoy it. Dig into the yellow pages-there are many agencies out there that can help you, i.e. grief counseling, financial assistance, housing, clergy.

This life we have been given is a gift but sometimes our vision is so clouded we fail to realize it for the blessing it is. You are stronger than you think.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 12:43PM
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Hello again brwvabell,

I hope that you have come back to check what responses that people may have made to your message.

If you feel like sharing some of your experiences, thoughts and feelings in recent days, we'll be pleased to hear - but we don't want to push you (and I realize that I'm doing exactly that, now).

Let me just assure you that we have been thinking of you during the past few days since you shared your depth of feelings and pain with us ... and thank you for having the faith and courage to have done that.

I've been saying some prayers on your behalf ...

... and have been sending some good thoughts and hopes to you in recent days.


ole joyful

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 1:20AM
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