Don't invite me to your kids wedding! - Vent

xminionNovember 19, 2008

Salutations everyone,

To the point: Why do friends that live thousands of miles away invite me to thier kids wedding knowing that:

A)I don't fly in airplanes anymore

B)Even if I did, the expense of getting a hotel, rent-a-car, meals, etc. is prohibitive given the economy.

C) I am feeling squeezed to the marrow with gift pandering.

How do I tell them, "Congratulations on your daughter's wedding - please take me off the invite list." Any advice appreciated.

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It could be that they were "pandering" for gifts, but it could also be that - while they knew you most likely wouldn't come - they didn't want to not send an invitation out of concern for your feelings. I would just send a nice card wishing them years of happiness. That way you won't hurt their feelings and the lack of a gift will be enough unsaid.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2008 at 8:58PM
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Why, because if they didn't invite you, you may even complain more (at lest many people would).

They are in a no win situation. But, I know even if I were dying, I would appreciate an invitation -- I would treat it more as an announcement and a wish you could come type of thing.

Regarding the gift --there's a lot of things to consider. If they came to your children's weddings (even during a better economy), for example, I would still try to send them a gift. Or, if you are the dearest and oldest of friends, I would get something out to them too. But, if you aren't that close or really can not afford it, then of course you can skip on it. Don't think you have to spend a hundred or two on a gift though. A "thought" gift is fine if you aren't going to a wedding and don't have a lot to spend. Of course just sending a card is fine to.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2008 at 5:00PM
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I remember when we were putting together our wedding invitation list, we included relatives and old family friends who we knew wouldn't come in a fit, due to distance or financial circumstances, but we were concerned they would be hurt if they were excluded. I don't even recall that they sent gifts, and really, we weren't expecting any: that's not why the invitation was sent.
Let's face it, it's somewhat presumptuous to decide on someone else's behalf whether they will come or not. They may have just won the lottery, decided planes aren't so bad after all, be dying for an excuse to travel cross country by train, or whatever.
Simply decline with thanks (you don't even give a reason, in a formal invitation) and send your heartiest congratulations.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2008 at 8:42PM
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I agree with the other posters. If people send you an invitation, it means that they would like you to attend if you could. They do not want to insult you by not sending you an invitation even though they know you probably won't be able to attend. Think of it as an announcement. Few people send announcements after the ceremony anymore, at least not in my community, so the invitation has to serve that purpose.

Don't send a gift if you don't want to -- just send a note of congratulations. If you absolutely feel that just receiving an invitation obligates you to give a gift, then make a small contribution to charity in the couple's honor.

But whatever you do, let go of your anger and resentment at people who did nothing other than invite you to be present at an important life cycle event (and offer to feed and entertain you).

    Bookmark   November 22, 2008 at 6:08PM
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I think the hardest part of planning a wedding is the guest list. I have three daughters and all had big, beautiful weddings. I have some relatives that live half way across the country and I wanted them to come. I sent invitations and they did not respond or come to my first two daughter's weddings. So, with the third wedding, I decided not to send them invitations. I didn't know if they were thinking just as you are.

A couple of years after the last weddings, one of my aunts had a little too much to drink and told me that I had "forgotten" to send her an invitation to the last wedding. I just said, "Oh no, I'm so sorry"...

If I had thought that she just enjoyed getting the invitation, I would have sent it. Sometimes you just can't win.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2008 at 10:19PM
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This is what happened to me. DH and I got married in the spring of 2003. At the time his uncle (DH's father's brother) was dying. They live in the midwest (we live in New England). My MIL INSISTED (and she never insists, she's very nice) they (uncle, aunt and 3 adult children and their families) not be invited because they would not come due to the uncle being so ill and it would seem like a grab for gifts. I disagreed (I think you invite all aunts and uncles even if they live on the space station), but went along with MIL. When DH and I went out to the uncle's funeral one month after the wedding we learned one of his cousins was actually in Boston (less than an hour drive from our wedding!) for the week of our wedding. They knew we were getting married. They could have attended. But we didn't invite them! I felt so horrible. I apologized and explained what happened (i painted MIL in a sympathetic light), and I think all was forgiven. I don't think I'll ever listen to MIL again on something like this though, I should have followed my gut. Five years later and I still feel awful about it.

If you can't afford a gift I would send the couple a note wishing them much happiness, maybe with a little anecdote about when they were small (if you knew them). I received some notes like that, and they meant more to me than most of the gifts I received since they came from the heart (and not WalMart).

    Bookmark   November 28, 2008 at 9:37PM
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Somehow, many people (both senders and receivers) have acquired the idea that an invitation is an invoice.

While I would never attend a wedding without sending a gift, I do not consider merely receiving an invitation to be a invoice stamped "gift is due."

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 7:36AM
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It's inevitable with weddings. Some people you invite wonder why they were invited and some who weren't invited expected to be. Pretty much happens every time.

I agree that an invitation should be interpreted as "we want you there" as opposed to "send us a gift". I mean, why not give the benefit of the doubt as to the couple's intent? Send a gift if you want, if not send your best wishes with your regrets.

I don't really see any reason to request to be removed from the invite list. If nothing else, isn't it nice to at least be in on the good news?

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 11:56AM
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Wife has two younger brothers which means five nephews and one niece. All live in Florida except us in Texas. Son of brother one decides to be married in Las Vegas. We are not Vegas people but we decided to go to the wedding and have a little vacation. Brother two and SIL think a Vegas wedding is the dumbest thing they ever heard of.

You guessed it, oldest son of brother two announces he too will be married in Vegas. Sent them some money for a wedding gift and told them we hope they have fun.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 10:01AM
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Send a nice card and don't worry about it. They don't expect anything from you. They just want to you to know that you're "included". Be nice and be guilt-free.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2008 at 7:21PM
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