I don't know where to post this so I thought I'd start here...

jadiesmomJuly 6, 2007

I didn't know where to post this, so I thought I would ask you guys.

My fiance just got asked to be a god parent to one of his closest friends son. The god mother is the sister of the wife of the baby. (the baby's aunt)

I told my fiance that I thought it was reasonable for them to ask the sister to be the godmother because we are not married. He said I was wrong and that even if we were married they still would have asked the sister.

SO - my question is, is it rude to only ask one person in a married couple to be a god parent? I think it singles you out and what is the left out spouse supposed to do?

I told him that based on our conversations with his close friends, they tell their kids, "say goodbye to Uncle so and so", and when saying goodbyes to me it's always, "say goodbye to (they use my first name)". It's never "aunt ___".

We have been dating for almost 4 years and have a child together ourselves, so it's not like we are strangers, or I don't know them.

Yes - I'll admit, I am a little miffed because I feel left out. HOWEVER - I can acknowledge that since we aren't married how they would not ask me. What do you guys think?

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I think you are turning a religious event into a popularity contest. I would never think that both people in a couple should have to be asked. It is not at all like being invited to a wedding solo. In fact, although sometimes people do ask couples, many people I know prefer to divide it up and often ask one godparent from each parent's side. That way there are two families that can help if necessary, not just one couple/family. Why should you (a friend's wife) be picked over the mother's sister? If you divorce, will you even care to keep in touch...will you help provide the religious upbringing of this child if necessary? Do you even want or know the responsiblilties of being a godparent? Plus, some religious even have rules about the practicing religion of one or both of the godparents etc.. Don't take it personally at all. I don't know how to say this nicely, so I'll just say it... I think your opinion on this couldn't be more wrong.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2007 at 3:54PM
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I have a brother that will be godfather to our child but we will not ask his wife. And they are our family.

It's not unusual to ask someone without the spouse. I was just asked to be godmother to a friends child and my husband was not asked.

I assume this is a Catholic family. Are you Catholic? Is the aunt of the baby Catholic but your fiance is not? Now a days you need only one godparent to be Catholic not both. That is the reason for asking split couples.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2007 at 4:05PM
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I would think it is almost the norm not to have married couples as both godparents. My own godparents (chosen in the early 1960s) are not husband and wife, and nor are my daughter's. In the Anglican church it is common to have three godparents (two of the same gender as the child, and one of the opposite gender) and you can bet they're not all married to each other.
I suspect your feelings about this are coloured by your hurt that your partner's nieces and nephews are not encouraged to call you "aunt". But the simple truth is, you are not their aunt. You won't be until you marry their uncle.
I don't call your partner your fiance because you don't refer to any marriage plans for the future. After four years and a baby, if there aren't wedding plans in the offing soon perhaps your partner's family are not convinced there is a long-term commitment. I'm not being judgemental as I don't think you have to be married to live together but simply speculating that this may be how your partner's family interprets your situation either consciously or unconsciously.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2007 at 10:18PM
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Being a God parent means different things to different people. To me and my grand children's parents, it means the people who would be responsible for raising the child should both parents be killed.
Since you are not married to the friend, I can very well understand their thinking in leaving you out.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment, living together, even with a child is not. You could pack up any time with no legal fuss. I have a friend who recently kicked the father of her 2 kids out of the house...no job and no desire to get one. She said "Thank heavens we didn't get amrried".
If you really want to be part of the family...g.et married....if not don't sweat being left out of certain situations.
Linda C

    Bookmark   July 6, 2007 at 10:43PM
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Bottom line though, married or not, these friends seem closer to your husband. The two guys are 'closest friends' which puts him in line for being a godparent and being called uncle. Granted you are his partner but that doesn't necessarily mean you are best friends with them too. My husband barely talks to my best friend's husband. And I like the wife of my husband's best friend, but we don't often do things without the guys being involved. My husband was in their wedding; I wasn't. I was in weddings my husband wasn't in. That's just how things go. Not everyone is best friends with everyone just because you become a couple.

If you want to be called aunt just run it by the parents and ask the kids to call you it; I doubt anyone would be against it; they may just think you may not be comfortable with it if you aren't that close with them.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2007 at 1:31AM
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I don't think that parents must, or even all that commonly, choose both spouses in a couple -- married or not -- to be godparents. Your own marital status is completely irrelevant.

The whole role of "godparent" varies so much by community and religion. It can mean back-up responsibility for raising the child, or only for insuring his/her religious education, participating in a bris, etc.

But in any circumstance, it is not only an honor, it is a serious and permanent commitment. That is why I don't think that spouses must, or even should, always be included: the godparent will have his/her duties and relationship to the child for life. Your fiance is the one who is close to them. If, perish the thought, you were ever to break up with your fiance -- whether or not you ever marry -- or he were to die, would you still want to have that kind of responsibility for and relationship with that child forever?

It isn't about you, and it isn't a sign of disrespect for your relationship with your fiance. It's about the child and its future. The parents are picking people to have a special relationship with the child based on what is a good fit, not on some sort of overall "merit system." They aren't trying to insult you. Please don't make an issue about it.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2007 at 11:57PM
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I agree with what everyone else said. I am godparent to one of my twin nephews, my SIL's sister is godparent to the other. SIL's brother is godfather to both boys. My own husband who I had been married to for 8 years when the twins were born wasn't asked. I'm not catholic, but my entire SIL's family is.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2007 at 10:49PM
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I see the whole picture here! Thank you all for your imput!

It is very understandable and I see things a lot clearer now. Choosing non-married couples makes sense for a lot of reasons. I am no longer miffed and will be very supportive. Actually, I am kind of glad it happened this way because it will allow my fiance a better understanding of the relationship I have with my own god daughter. He is such a wonderful partner and father, that any child he is able to have an intimate relationship with would be truly blessed anyway.

No - I am not Catholic, but the rest of my family is.

To Carla35 - Yes I do know what it means to be a God Parent. I am a God mother to my best friends' daughter. We baptized our son last July so I am very familiar with the Catholic religions practices regarding God parents and the sacrament of baptism.

To Colleenoz - My fiance's neices and nephews not calling me aunt doesn't bother me. I used it as an example for you all to better understand my relationship with the children. It is up to their parents and them as to what they call me and if they ever decide to even call me "aunt".

Also - we DO have tentative wedding dates set for either November 1st or 8th of 2008. We plan to marry in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

Thank you all for your comments!

    Bookmark   July 9, 2007 at 12:38PM
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