End of life, regrets, and saying goodbye.
I don't even know how to start this. I just know I need to talk about it with someone, and perhaps anonymously is the best way to go.
My grandfather has been on a steady decline for the last year or so. I have never been close with him and have always felt he lived his life pretty selfishly and pretty much ruined my late grandmother's life when he left her for another man.
It doesn't change the fact, he is my grandfather and I still love him. The legacy he left by leaving grandmother and how it messed up my Dad and his dysfunctional upbringing led to my own dysfunctional childhood. So many painful memories, that I thought I had left in the past just all came rushing back with one phone call to my Dad. How do you not forgive? My father is in that phase. He has always held a lot of hard feelings b/c of all that went down, but now we are faced with impending death, and my father is so very sad. He can barely speak. He went to see Grandpa yesterday, and apparently he has stopped eating, and can barely get out of bed. He can feel his bones when helping him out of bed and he says his breathing is labored.
I don't think I can find the strength to go say goodbye. I've never been to his house my entire life. I want to be there for Dad, but don't think I can do it. Nor can I find anyone to help with my kids to go out of state to go say goodbye. This is so very hard. Do you all think I will regret not going? I don't think I can do it. But I so want to be there for my Dad. I forgave Dad for everything a long time ago, and I've always been kind when it came to my grandfather when I saw him at family events, I truly felt somewhere deep down he loved all of us, he just always put himself first. My heart is breaking in pieces. I never expected to feel this way.