texasredheadJune 6, 2010

There is a common thread in most of the original posts on this forum, that is allowing oneself to become a victim.

Fence blackmail, bad builders, guest damage, bad neighbors, all picture themselves as victims. As long as people allow this to happn,they will continue to use you as a doormat.

I can understand being aware of and concerned about the feelings of others, but at some point the line must be drawn when your good nature becomes an opportunity to become taken advantage of.

Just the thoughts of a cantankerous Texan

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This was a chuckler and I'm glad I looked. You are right on texasredhead! I think folks are really pleased when they have someone, anyone to blame for all the things that have gone/will go/are wrong in their world and often are not really all that interested in a REAL solution. They are even more pleased when they gather a posse of agreement. Victims stay victims and never come out smiling. Ridiculous, and darn good reading!

    Bookmark   June 7, 2010 at 1:37PM
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Well....except some "victims" here actually sound like they need and want advice. For example, the fence blackmail person is taking some positive action and getting legal documentation done (new survey) before proceeding.

The person who was the victim of the guest damage from being nice to her neighbor will most likely keep repeating her "mistakes". It's one thing to have made a bad judgement call and go on to learn from that, but to feel that she was wrong to be upset with the damage, and then continue being friends with the neighbor after the neighbor showed no remorse....well, that person will likely keep right on being taken advantage of. That is a case of someone who may deep down enjoy being a victim.

Ditto for the person who had asked for advice about a dangerous sounding neighbor who was causing drainage issues, on property they were considering buying. I can't even imagine purchasing property where there was the slightest indication of potential problems. The general feedback was to run like crazy and look for other property. This person rationalized the bad neighbor away and most likely purchased it. Sorry, but they will get exactly what they asked for.

We have all been a victim of something or other during our lives. The key is whether we take action to remedy the situation and not let it happen again. I don't get the people that keep tolerating bad situations, either.

Cantankerous Floridian :)

    Bookmark   June 7, 2010 at 4:53PM
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I'm totally amazed at the so called victims who are considering to tuck their tail and run instead of standing their ground and addressing the problem, no matter who is at fault. It is even more discouraging to see how many people actually encourage they run rather than face the issue and either make it right or, stand up for themselves.

Cantankerous American

    Bookmark   June 7, 2010 at 6:41PM
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texasredhead, it is usually pretty clear what the post is going to be about form the title. Why are you reading these posts, and actually taking time to comment? If it irritates you so much why not take your own advice and stop being a "victim" of these posts and just ignore them?!

Most of the people that you call "victims" behaved perfectly rational and decent but they encountered an irrational behavior back. And they are looking for an advice how to deal with it and it seems to me they are following that advice. I guess you think that any decent behavior justifies somehow that other party treat you as a "doormat".

Just remember, no matter how diligent and tough you think you are there will be time that you come across someone who is tougher and then you may need an advice as well.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2010 at 9:15PM
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The people may have started the post rationally looking for advice but when they did get advice they didn't agree with, they started a bunch of "yeah but" and other angles to get people to agree with their objective. In most of the cases I've read, the victim had a flimsy solution and they were looking for support to that solution or some other devious means to get what THEY wanted, rather than try to find out what was right and do THAT. Yeah sure, there have been legitimate threads where people were looking for a real answer. But of those mentioned above, I think those people were looking for a way to get back at a neighbor or force them to agree with their way of thinking or just looking for help with a witch hunt.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2010 at 10:55PM
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I think sometimes people have trouble putting their feelings aside but I've always found with neighbour problems that taking a step back and just trying to solve the problem so you can move on is the best approach. I honestly think some people just get caught up in the drama of the situation instead of doing that and some people go as far as a tit for tat for years with a neighbour. Life is too short to get bent out of shape every time a neighbour does something to annoy you lol. Even if you think they are in the wrong, I think it's always best to find a solution, move on and put it behind you - it's all "small stuff" in the bigger picture of life.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2010 at 10:58PM
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Agree with previous two posts. "But" this forum is called "Disasters", so naturally people will be posting what they think is a disaster story. Posting a reply "it is your own fault" is not very constructive.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2010 at 11:20PM
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Sandy, I'm the person you were discussing who was looking at property with a drainage issue. (And yes, we are still considering purchasing it.)

Frankly, my reason for still planning on buying it is that I am NOT a person who allows herself to be victimized, and I am NOT easily intimidated. I have no trouble telling people to go to hell when that's where they ought to go. Furthermore (at the risk of sounding pompous), I work for the city newspaper, one of my two best friends is a lawyer (the other is married to one), and my ex-boyfriend (who I'm still friends with) is a county commissioner. I would predict that someone who tried to pick a fight with me over property would be sorry. (And if they tried to pick a physical fight ... well, that seems unlikely with our 95-pound German shepherd nearby!)

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 5:02PM
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sanveann, I'm not someone who lets people walk all over her either. I meant no offense to you. I've had some pretty professional jobs myself, and have friends in "high" places, including attorneys. I've worked in the medical field in my youngest days, and when I burned out on that I earned commercial pilot ratings and taught people how to fly airplanes. I now run my own aviation business with my husband. you can see, I have a fairly strong type of personality. That's how I stay alive when faced with emergencies when up in the air or teaching a new student.

What I have learned over the years is that it is best to avoid situations that can get ugly in the first place. Neighbors can sometimes be a challange when things have started out right. The situation you may be getting into isn't getting off to a good start. It's your life and you can certainly do what you want, but life is hard enough without entering into a situation that can bring a great deal of grief.

I hate fighting with people, do not seek fights out, stay far away from situations that are negative, because frankly life is too short. Do I stand up for myself if I am happily minding my own business? Absolutely.

There's a LOT of beautiful acreage out there to be had. We walked away from a few that had bad karma. My husband and I spent two solid years looking for the right piece of land, and we ended up with land that is surrounded by nice people that respect one another, will help if needed, and fade into the background the rest of the time.

It's very peaceful. I listen to the frogs down at our pond, watch the birds feed their young, and turtles climb into weeds. Much nicer than battling with a nutcase.


    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 11:09PM
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yep I totally agree Sandy. It's not about backing down or being intimidated at all, it's about choosing your battles and not wasting time or energy on the ones you can solve easily or avoid. Another way of looking at is being strong enough not to let other people draw you into some petty drama just because they are difficult or bored or like to complain or whatever and it's a trap a lot of people fall in to but most of the time it's just not worth the effort IMO

    Bookmark   June 9, 2010 at 4:28AM
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Well, I'll tell you....raising children (teenagers in particular) will either break you or mellow you out. Taught me a lot about life! Basically it taught me to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles, and walk totally away from something that you know will get ugly.

I especially love it when one of my older children, with children of their own now, call and apologize to me. I accept the apology with grace and tell them the past is past. They were just being teenagers, after all. I also get thanked, with pride in their voices, for not backing down to them.

Meanwhile, I'm smirking inside. They are now on the receiving end of life's lessons.


    Bookmark   June 9, 2010 at 6:11PM
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When our grandchildren were younger and we were asked to baby sit, I enjoyed spoiling them rotten and then send them home. I called it revenge!

    Bookmark   June 10, 2010 at 1:26PM
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Payback is great! :)

    Bookmark   June 10, 2010 at 2:47PM
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Sandy, I do truly appreciate your advice and concern. I know you didn't mean any offense.

As far as acreage goes, our options are fairly limited because of workplace locations and school districts (we have two little ones and may have more). Also, my in-laws provide a lot of our child care, so we need to stay close to them.

And if all THAT wasn't enough, we live in a VERY wet area, so it is incredibly hard to find an undeveloped property that isn't already half wetlands. (As in DEQ protected wetlands!) The ones that aren't wetlands are entirely covered in trees ... and not in a good way. Like in a lost-in-the-Black-Forest way!

We have seen some other properties that were OK, but they were either a lot farther out than we wanted to be, or had some really questionable properties surrounding them. (There was one fantastic lot for a great price ... with the most run-down trailer park you've ever seen right across the street.)

The lot we're looking has perked twice, has beautiful homes surrounding it, is in a perfect location and a great school district, and is an extremely reasonable price. (The owner got it in a divorce settlement; apparently she and her husband had bought it with the intent to build, then split up.) Unfortunately, we just haven't seen anything else -remotely- comparable.

We intend to give the neighbor the benefit of the doubt and to approach him carefully if any concerns arise. We think that at least with this lot, we have the benefit of some advance knowledge about the guy ... with others, we'd be going in blind! (Incidentally, I've also met the neighbor next door to us and the one across the street -- both very very nice!)

    Bookmark   June 12, 2010 at 11:28AM
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sanveann, I wish you the best of luck. It may be that things will work out for you. If the nasty neighbor gives you a hard time, perhaps one of your attorney friends can help you out.

I know that with children still home and going to school, it does complicate the property search. We are now empty nesters, and my husband works from a home office, so we had more flexibility. I don't have to work any more, so I'm putting my efforts into homesteading and gearing us up for total self sufficiency.

I know what you mean about some areas being undesireable. Mobile homes are fact we bought an inexpensive new one so we can be on our property while we build, but there certainly are areas that make you wonder if the people are into VooDoo.

The way I judged any piece of land we looked at was I had to feel totally comfortable staying put on the land and in the home we built, even if something happened to my husband. The 10 acres we finally bought was the only piece of land I could say that about. We have neighbors, but they are tucked back in their properties, and are not visible from ours. I love it.


    Bookmark   June 13, 2010 at 10:58PM
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