Best friend trying undermine my efforts

koala_emJanuary 16, 2006

About me: I started quite large and have lost 101 lbs (Yeah me!).

Now my best friend (who is about the size I am now) keeps saying I should stop and that I look fine.

Everytime we get together she tries to make me feel guilty for refusing foods (eg cookies, muffins, cakes) and keeps telling me I shouldn't deprive myself.

Now, I still have 17lbs more weight to lose before I am in my target weight range! I have explained that I want to get to my goal before I start adding extra foods and treats occasionally.

Last time I saw her I said no thanks twice to her homemade apricot cake. While I carried our coffees to the lounge room, she brought her plate from the kitchen (where some afternoon tea food was put out for her and the 6 chn)- on it she put 2 bits of cake and said "I got one for you too, I only make this when apricots are in season". Then I felt bad to say no, so ate it feeling guilty that I was eating something I would rather not eat.

How other do people handle these type of people?


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It sounds to me like she is jealous of your weight loss success. (Congratulations - by the way!!!!!!!!) She IS trying to undermine your efforts and you can't let yourself be drawn into her attempts to sabotage your success. I would wrap up the cake, cookies or things she is trying to get you to eat and tell her you are saving them for later. "Later", you can throw them away. If you keep telling her, "I am not hungry now, I will save it for later" she will eventually get the point.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2006 at 7:55AM
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Thanks marci- great strategy!!! I LOVE it!!!!!! it's perfect for me- as I hate saying 'no' outright to people. The 'yes- save it for later' is excellent... naturally I will bin it 'later'! hee hee hee

Thanks again.

BTW- I think you are right, because I am slowly getting thinner than she is. Maybe she is either jealous or thinks by me not eating treats I am implying she shouldn't.


    Bookmark   January 16, 2006 at 8:24AM
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Your friend is definitely jealous and worried that you will be thinner than her. It amazes me how women can be, maybe men too, although I have never witnessed it. A friend at work is in a similar situation now. She has lost weight and looks fabulous and now heavier women are asking her if she is sick and is everything ok. They tell her she needs to gain a few pounds back. Why are they so threatened by her weight loss? It amazes me.

Anyway, Marci has given you a great suggestion. Another WW strategy is to simply say "I choose not to eat that right now". What can someone say to that?

Congratulations on your loss. Keep up the good work.


    Bookmark   January 16, 2006 at 8:38AM
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Koala - GREAT JOB!!!!

I'm sorry that your friend is not being supportive of you. I have a best friend who did this to me as well. I finally asked her if she wanted me to be healthy and happy, she said, "Of course!". So then I pointed out that trying to feed me sweets or making feel guilty about not joining her when eating sweets didn't make me healthier or happier. She was a little *cool* to me for a few days after this, but later admitted I was right and she wasn't being as supportive of me as a best friend should.


    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 1:16PM
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Your friend might want someone to be "bad" with her and eat food that is not good.

I have to admit, I have a best friend and when we are dieting, as far as food goes, "when we are good, we are very, very good, but when we are bad, we are horrid!"

Find activities other than eating and drinking tea to do with your friend and she can't coerce you. Drop by her place and say you want to talk a walk and pick flowers or just smell whatever's blooming!

Another idea is to say, "Okay, I'll try your apricot cake, but then I'll have to walk it off for a half hour. Will you come with me?" This way you can have "her cake" and eat it too.

BTW, CONGRATS on the weight loss! Think of things that weigh 101 pounds! WHEEE! You've lost a whole 4th or 5th grade-sized child! Or a record-setting halibut in Alaska! Go to the feed or garden store and lift up TWO 50-pound bags of bird seed or 2 50-pound bags of garden soil!

Now, that's something to scream about! YOU GO!

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 2:21PM
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Congratulations, oh my gosh 101 lbs.

If this was my best friend I would ask, "why are you trying to sabotage me?" If she can't handle the new you it may be time to distance yourself or not be in situations where food is involved.

I don't hesitate to say, "I can't eat that." I need to say that acutally and it should stop people from trying to push it. You wouldn't push sugar on a diabetic.

I have family asking when are you going to get off that diet (Atkins). That's the deal folks, you don't stop, this is the way I eat now.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 3:32PM
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My mother in law does the same thing. If I tell her I am going on a diet she floods the house with cakes and cookies. She is a lot smaller than I am and I wonder if I lost my weight if she would in some way feel threatened by me.
When she brings her goodies to the house I politely thank her and when she leaves I throw them away. In a way I feel better that I have the will power to throw them away so in a way I guess she is doing me a favor.
I like the advice you were given above...wrap it up and throw it out.
Good luck and keep up the great work! :-)

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 7:13PM
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Thanks for the comments and ideas everyone.
Yeah, 101lb is alot. I often think of it as 92 tubs of Aussie margarine (500g each)- now that's alot of tubs to fit in a grocery trolley. When I first started to lose I wanted to lose my youngest child's weight... now I have lost more than my eldest who's a 14yo!

Kim- I use that strategy with people I don't know- I tell them the Dr said I can't eat foods with " ...XXX"(whatever they are offering- eg high sugars and fat) It's true- I must be 'allergic' to those foods- they make my whole body gradually swell up! LOL!!!!!!!
Same with my family- I now accept that there are foods I just can't eat, they haven't accepted this as yet. But as I point out- my way is definately working!
Wildchicken- I like the idea of changing the activity to prevent the situation
Besh- yes woman can be funny that way. After I posted I read an article about how this lady used to have people putting her down over her weight then when she lost it and toned up they would glare instead. Guess you can't win.
Sneakyplant- (love the name BTW) You're right I need to be blunt (gentle and tactful, but blunt) with her. She is generally a very strong personaility and I am generally a quiet type. Although one bonus from losing some weight is my confidence is s l o w l y... catching up.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 7:20PM
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What did you do to lose the weight?

    Bookmark   January 18, 2006 at 3:07PM
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First and most crucial thing- this time I REALLY wanted to lose it.
I was sick of myself. I was sick of buying frumpy plus clothes, I was sick of wondering what new people who met me thought of my weight, I was sick of other people descibing me as the 'fat one', I was sick of people asking me "have you lost weight?" when I hadn't lost a thing and I knew they were 'hinting'. I was sick of not having any photos of me with my children because I was too embarrassed to be photographed. (If this is you, no matter what your size, be in the photo- you can't wind back the clock and have a photo with your chn.)

Second thing was breaking it down into achievable goals. The whole amount to lose was too high and freaked me out, so I would set a shorter goal and treat myself when I got there- treats like new item of clothes, a magazine etc (not food!). Even now (with not much to go) I have a short term goal between now and my big goal (which is to be in the healthy weight range). I initially tracked my weight loss progress on a simple hand drawn chart- that was motivating- I could see how far I was going in a visual way. I weigh myself once a day- I know they say weigh weekly, but I needed the reminder that I was losing.
Third- which was a BIG help, I built weekly menus that had less fat, less sugar. I buy only the food for the menu (and yes my children eat this too- but they have more carbs and dairy). Variety is a key for me to stay interested in the menu.

Here is a sample:
Breakfast small bowl of 97% fat free cereal with skim milk OR 2 slices raisin toast- usually no butter (but if desperately wanting it a smear of diet marg). Totally cut out all juice.
Mid morning a piece of fruit- usually an apple as I like apples.
Lunch- virtually always the same thing- a wholemeal/multigrain roll with lettuce, tomato, cucumber and a 97% fat free meat (eg turkey, ham, beef. In winter I sometimes had one of those 99% fat free instant soups as well.
Afternoon- this was the hardest as I kept wanting to eat- but I have nothing. One days when I am starving I 'borrow' something from dessert early.
Dinner- lots and lots of vegies, lots of flavour from herbs, spices, chilli, approx 200g meat- chicken 1-2 per week, fish twice, red meat 3-4. Made into stirfry, roasts, casseroles. No carbs with dinner- no rice, pasta, potatoes etc. But I will have pumpkin with roast as my potato substitute. (Fish took a while to get used to as I rarely ate it before.) A low fat frozen dinner is always in the freezer in case I can't cook- in the old days I would order pizza!
Dessert- always a low fat dairy- custard, yoghurt, sometimes (not much) icecream, fruche
plus a serve of fruit- stewed, fresh piece, fruit salad.
I mix up the combinations so I don't get bored. My personal favourite (have it about 1 per month) is: simmer a pear in redwine and spices serve with a SMALL piece of cheese- eg brie, blue. Tastes so indulgant, but is not that bad either.
The trick with the menu is to stick to exactly what is on for that day. Every now and then I 'break'(usually if I am stressed) but make sure it is something not too bad- such as low fat rice crackers and salsa, and always do my walk first.
If you are going out or want say rice with dinner skip the roll at lunch and have a huge salad instead.

Forth- Making a regular daily effort to walk for 45 minutes. Even when I am dog tired, sick, raining, too hot (you know the excuses I mean!) When I very first started I walked for 15 minutes a day for a few months, then gradually walked a little further- adding 5 minutes at a time. I have walked 45 for last 18 months. Now I have just started adding a small amount of jogging but that has taken 2 years to get to that point. A exercise partner is a big help as you can 'talk and walk'. When I walk I visualise that each step is slowly winding back the eating junk clock. Each step is one step closer to my goal. After a while you do actually get to like the walks, and miss it if you can't go (eg unexpected company drops in and it's too late when they leave). I did hire a treadmill for 3 months- but it was too expensive to keep hiring - I figured walking outside was free.

I also help keep myself on track with reminders-
eg a poster I made for myself which says "Every day my body is getting stronger, slimmer and healthier" (sounds dumb but it reminds me of my goal and I keep it near my makeup so when I am getting ready for the day I see it.) I have the WW newsletter emailed to me- it has good ideas and keeps my brain on track.
In the fridge I have a small post-it note- on it I wrote 35. No other people see it as it is barely noticable- but to me it reminds me to get out of the fridge because I want to reach my goal before I am 35. (I think I might just make it..!)

If 'desperate' diet soda tastes like a treat, and low-fat hot chocolate help those chocolate cravings.

I know the site is not about adverstising but one place I used to develop my menu was an Aussie firm called Lite n Easy- they have a free online DIY menu. It gave me an idea of quantities and types of foods to eat. I never bothered with fancy lunches, I always had my salad and deli meat roll. It would be easy to follow their menu and use a frozen dinner instead of their dinner.

Anyway- I see this is LONG!!!! Hope it helps, and if you want more info ask. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!! Step by step!


Here is a link that might be useful: DIY menu that can be adapted

    Bookmark   January 19, 2006 at 2:57AM
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I know this is long time past the last post on this but congratulations too! You've worked hard to do this, don't let anybody sabbotage you!
Just a little note. Be careful when you get to goal and you start to introduce more foods. It's easy to start a little more and keep adding a little more. The body has a selfish way of trying to hold on to extra calories it gets. Good Luck & Be Healthy!!!

    Bookmark   February 23, 2006 at 10:44AM
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You are great!!! I admire you and you are my "american idol" :-)...
Thank you for taking time and writing above - it motivates me and helps me.
Thank you,

    Bookmark   March 25, 2006 at 6:47PM
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