Humor Thread for 2011

Pooh BearJanuary 1, 2011

Here is the new humor thread for 2011.

This thread will run until January, 2012.

Until then please post all jokes here.

Thanks to everyone who contributes.

The humor thread was started in September of 2002.

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cant believe it finally opened
I'll start off by posting the first post from last year !!

Dieting - New Resolutions
2006: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2008: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 3 days a week.
2010: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

A man went for breakfast at his regular restaurant and ordered the Eggs Benedict. The order was served on a bright, shiny upside down hubcap.
When he asked about the unusual presentation, the waiter replied, "There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."


    Bookmark   January 1, 2011 at 10:50PM
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With Apologies to Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor.
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command,
But instead got a reprimand. It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the options. These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, now I must adopt one. "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored.
Praying for some guarantee, finally I pressed a key �
But on the screen, what did I see? "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard � I pressed again but twice as hard.
Luck was not in the cards. I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation, trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted. By my own machine accosted.
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight, a bold and blinding flash of light.
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my core.
I saw the screen collapse and die. "No! No! My database!," I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data goes.
I bet it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well I fear, it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

from an email

    Bookmark   January 4, 2011 at 10:05AM
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I've just heard from a friend in South Dakota. She says it
has been snowing heavily for three days now.
Her husband has done nothing but stare through the window.
She says that if it doesn't stop snowing soon she'll probably have to let him in.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2011 at 7:42PM
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I'm Tired

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 309 million.

176 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2011 at 7:21AM
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A man took his limp duck to the vet, who listened for the bird's pulse with her stethoscope. "Sorry, your bird's dead."

"You sure?" he shouted.

"I'm sure."

"But you haven't tested or anything. He might be in a coma!"

Rolling her eyes, the vet brought a Labrador Retriever and cat into the room. The lab put his paws on the examination table, sniffed the duck and looked at the vet with sad eyes.

The cat jumped up, sniffed the duck, shook her head and meowed softly.

"Sorry," said the vet, "but definitely, the duck is certifiably dead." She then printed out her bill and handed it to the man.

"$150!!" he cried. "Just to say my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "Sorry, if you'd have taken my word for it, it would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the CAT Scan, it all adds up!"

    Bookmark   January 12, 2011 at 7:23AM
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The Computer's Gender

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2011 at 8:07AM
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The Secret of 60 Years of Marriage

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other -- except that the old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.

"When we were to be married," she said, explaining the contents of the box, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving! He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

    Bookmark   January 12, 2011 at 9:12PM
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Good ones Bob !!!

House Rules for Dogs and Cats. Post them where they can be read by your pets.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win, because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle, I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2011 at 2:54PM
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I like that one Minnie. While on the subject of dogs here's another I like:
Dog Tired

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back. He greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.

The next day he arrived as usual for his nap, but with a different note pinned to his collar:
He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

    Bookmark   January 15, 2011 at 1:29PM
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The Microsoft solution:
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.

The car careered almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

    Bookmark   January 17, 2011 at 8:53PM
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An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says,

"That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.

What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that.
(got this on from the KT)

    Bookmark   January 17, 2011 at 9:07PM
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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy catches his breath, and says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the guy who pushed me in the pool!"

    Bookmark   January 20, 2011 at 10:26AM
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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabbie if he was willing to be a witness. For $100, the cabbie agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in the arms of another man!

The husband pulled out a gun and held it to the naked man's head.

"Don't do it!" His wife shouted. "This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.

Looking over at the cab driver, he asks, "What would you do?"

The cabbie thinks for a brief moment and says, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

    Bookmark   January 21, 2011 at 6:51PM
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A couple from Texas were taking a cross country drive, taking in sites they couldn't get back home.

While driving through Wisconsin, they were often boggled by the place names, which peaked as they were approaching Oconomowoc.

The couple started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch, where they knew they could settle their bet as to how it was pronounced by asking a local.

When it was their turn the man asked the cute young thing behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?"

"I'll try," promised the local.

"Would you please pronounce where we are -- very slowly?"

"Sure," said the blonde girl. She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrgerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnng."

    Bookmark   January 23, 2011 at 8:56PM
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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, too, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

But a week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not!" the witch (as Jennifer had come to call the girl who was not even quite as old as she was) said. "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I will be wearing it to your wedding."

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Nevermind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

"Of course I do, dear," her mother replied, smiling. "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

    Bookmark   January 30, 2011 at 8:47AM
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An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter..."

    Bookmark   February 3, 2011 at 9:10AM
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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they�d shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We�ve got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She�s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don�t believe him, he�s getting senile"

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We�re outta here!"


The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

All these examples do not imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are...

Compared with Gasoline...

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29...$10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19...$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59...$10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25...$10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15...$33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35...$178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85...$123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39...$25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99...$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49...$21.19 per gallon!

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...

(you won't believe it....but it is true........)

$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

    Bookmark   February 3, 2011 at 4:31PM
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2008 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies "A 2008 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

    Bookmark   February 8, 2011 at 7:30AM
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This will bring a tear to your eye....
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral Director to play at a graveside service for
a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the
service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived
an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight.There were only
the digging crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for
being late. I went to the side of the grave and
looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to
play. The workers put down their lunches and began
to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family
and friends. I played like I've never played before for this
homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to
weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished ,I packed up my bagpipes and started for my
car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost...

    Bookmark   February 10, 2011 at 1:52PM
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A man goes into a restaurant and orders Coffee without cream
Later the waiter comes back and says
"Sorry, we are out of cream will coffee without milk do instead?"

A joke from the 1939 movie "Ninotchka "

    Bookmark   February 12, 2011 at 1:06PM
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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What the heck is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

    Bookmark   February 12, 2011 at 4:08PM
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The Tailgater

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof -- and the horn -- and screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection on his tail.

She was still in mid-rant when she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

"I'm very sorry for the mistake," he tells her. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

    Bookmark   February 19, 2011 at 8:35PM
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good ones Bob!!

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story
of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but obligingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,"I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2011 at 8:39PM
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

    Bookmark   February 22, 2011 at 9:27AM
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So I figured out why I am fat: The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body" I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap. It says "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".


    Bookmark   March 3, 2011 at 1:08AM
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire location. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown and sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

    Bookmark   March 11, 2011 at 10:55AM
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It was the middle of the night, so I was pretty jarred when the phone rang.

In a sleepy, grumpy voice I barked "hello!" The young woman on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. The parts I remember were:

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault, honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the restaurant. Please don't be mad, OK?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had mis-dialed. "I'm sorry dear," I replied as kindly as I could considering the hour, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

Susan paused while she considered this uncomfortable fact.

"Gosh, Mom," she replied with a even more trembling voice. "I didn't think you'd be this mad!"

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 6:54PM
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A couple was waiting for their food at a Chinese restaurant. The waiter set chopsticks at their places.

The woman made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

"As a staunch environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The old waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely.

"Why thank you," responded the woman. "They're genuine ivory."

    Bookmark   March 24, 2011 at 10:09AM
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When I got flowers from my husband on Valentine's Day, I quickly opened the card. All it said was "No."

What did that mean?

I called my husband. He said, "I didn't attach any message.

The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No.'"

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 7:56AM
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Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing.

One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The other man spits something into his hand.

"You've got to keep your worms warm."

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 10:34AM
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My young daughter was very excited about accompanying me to "Bring Your Children To Work Day."

However, on the way home she seemed somewhat down. "Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"It was okay, but I thought it would be more like a circus."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see any of them."

    Bookmark   April 4, 2011 at 8:56AM
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For an art project the first grader handed in a blank sheet of paper.

The teacher said, "What is this?"

"It's a drawing of a cow eating grass."

"Where's the grass?"

"The cow ate all of it"

"Then, where's the cow?"

"The cow left because there was no more grass."

    Bookmark   April 5, 2011 at 8:19AM
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Really true? True or not I like it.

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six-year-old is. They think so logically!

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read: "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

"He said, "I'll be a son of a b*****!! A talking pig!'"

The teacher had to leave the room to compose herself.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2011 at 9:38PM
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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange
look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in Park?"

    Bookmark   April 8, 2011 at 6:05PM
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The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They�ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don�t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

    Bookmark   April 18, 2011 at 8:12AM
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The Worst Ethnic Joke Ever Told

As it's not politically correct to direct a joke at any particular ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Lithuania, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Singaporean, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty ma�tre d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

    Bookmark   April 18, 2011 at 10:35AM
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Good one Bob

Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2011 at 9:45AM
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As a reformed fisherman I appreciate those.

The minister was just starting his sermon when he spotted a man step inside. He beckons him to sit and launches into his lesson on the Ten Commandments.

Since it was a new face, the minister makes sure to seek the man out after the service to greet him.

"I have to confess," the man says, "that I didn't come in to hear your sermon. I came in to steal a hat, because it's cold and I seem to have lost mine."

"What made you stop, then?" the minister asks.

"Well, your talking about 'Thou shalt not steal' made me think about it."

"Terrific!" the minister says.

"Besides," the man continues, "when you got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I left my hat."

    Bookmark   April 23, 2011 at 10:59PM
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Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."

    Bookmark   May 3, 2011 at 8:32AM
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It's a good thing...

Scott and Glenn went on a fishing trip. They rented all the equipment: reels, rods, wading suits, rowboat, car, even a cabin in the woods. They spent a fortune.

The first day they went fishing and didn't catch anything. The same thing happened on the second day and the third. It went on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Scott caught a fish. Driving home they were really depressed.

Scott turned to Glenn and said, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

Glenn replied, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 10:17AM
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
v v
v v
v v
vNothing he just gave a little whine.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2011 at 7:53PM
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 8:28AM
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The Lecture

A cop sees an older gentleman staggering slightly down the street. It's 1:00 in the morning. He pulls over for a chat.

"Good evening, sir," the cop says. "Is everything OK?"

"Why yes, officer, thank you," the man says, speaking a bit thickly.

"Where are you headed?" the cop asks.

"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body," the man says with certainty.

"Sir, it's 1:00 in the morning," the cop says. "Who would be giving a lecture on that topic at this hour?"

The man nods, looks the cop in the eye, and says, "My wife."

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 7:52PM
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lol good one Bob

    Bookmark   May 20, 2011 at 12:24AM
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What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train.

    Bookmark   May 30, 2011 at 7:15PM
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A woman went on a tour of the White House.

As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.

"My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.

"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2011 at 10:00AM
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The Doctor's Visit

A gorgeous young blonde was visiting her new doctor for the first time.

She was escorted to the small patient room and left alone to wait. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the examination.

Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor stepped in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss... uh..." he said, looking at the chart to get his eyes off her significant assets, "Smith!" he said, finally finding her name.

"Yes, doctor?" the sweet young thang answered.

"Ma'am," he said, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

    Bookmark   June 1, 2011 at 9:42PM
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A sensitive husband
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 4:30PM
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled.

We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies..."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

    Bookmark   June 6, 2011 at 5:30PM
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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1,000 bet for anyone to prove them wrong. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice from the lemon would win the money.

Many people tried to win the bet over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter died down, the bartender said, "Okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

    Bookmark   June 22, 2011 at 9:43AM
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The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

    Bookmark   July 4, 2011 at 11:34AM
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Heard today on a country western barn dance type show the comic said
"Honey in your wildest dream did you imagine I'd be the success I am today?" She answered "I don't believe you were ever in my wildest dream !"
Another one
"I was in Little Rock and stood in front of a huge church and reading the sign in front. It listed the service times etc then a message read "If you're ready to stop sinning come in"
Below it in lipstick someone wrote "If Not, cal 555-5555"

    Bookmark   July 7, 2011 at 11:39AM
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Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd lost touch with when they moved to another city many years ago.

Over the meal, the couples took turns catching up. "And soon after we were married," Sarah began, "we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby creature with cute bow legs and no teeth."

"Oh, you had a baby!" said the other husband.

"Nope," Dick broke in. "Sarah's mother came to live with us."

    Bookmark   July 18, 2011 at 7:07AM
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As an octogenarian I feel qualified to post this one:

The A-B-Cs of Growing Older

Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2011 at 11:24PM
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Bumper Stickers

Why yes, they are all real bumper stickers. Why do you ask?

I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.

In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Seen on the same bumper:
Vote Democrat: it's easier than working! and
Vote Republican: it's easier than thinking!

I think, therefore I'm dangerous.

I bet Jesus would have used his turn signal.

Under Republicans, man exploits man. Under Democrats, it's just the opposite.


Actions speak louder than bumper-stickers.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2011 at 5:10PM
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A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it�s not the dealer�s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"


"Well then, he serves you food, I�m serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay. But the waiter brings me whatever I order. So I�ll take an eight.".

    Bookmark   July 27, 2011 at 7:30AM
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Our government at work:

BUT DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN: "Man Dead Five Years Won't Be Charged in Skipping Jury Duty" -- North Andover (Mass.) Eagle Tribune headline

    Bookmark   July 30, 2011 at 6:14PM
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How to give a cat a pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty."
Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

  1. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

  2. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

  3. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

  4. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

  5. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

  6. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

  7. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

  8. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

  9. Take two aspirins and lie down.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 9:03AM
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The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

    Bookmark   August 9, 2011 at 7:33AM
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Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"


A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

    Bookmark   August 16, 2011 at 11:23AM
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While overseas this marine got a break-up letter:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great.

I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you have been gone and it's not fair to either one of us. I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me I sent you.



Ricky was devastated but he asked his fellow marines for pictures of their girlfriends. They complied and he ended up sending Becky 57 pictures and this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the file and send the rest back to me.

Take care,


    Bookmark   August 16, 2011 at 12:40PM
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My wife has not spoken to me in three days.

I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter"? I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2011 at 11:22AM
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English: the Perfect Language

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it, English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

    Bookmark   August 19, 2011 at 10:34PM
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Good one Bob

How's your business coming along?

"I'm looking for a new cashier."

But you had a new one only last week!

"That's the one I'm looking for."

    Bookmark   August 26, 2011 at 10:03AM
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Chinese Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again, the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

"Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."

    Bookmark   September 8, 2011 at 8:42AM
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With a Kiss

Walking up to a department store�s fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That�s fine," replied the girl. "I�ll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 7:25AM
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

    Bookmark   September 28, 2011 at 11:07AM
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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

    Bookmark   September 30, 2011 at 8:31AM
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Tired Puppy

An old, tired looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day, he was back. He resumed his position in the hall and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar that said, "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day, he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar. It said, "He lives in a home with ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?!"

    Bookmark   October 6, 2011 at 9:26AM
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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower"?

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it"?

    Bookmark   October 7, 2011 at 11:29AM
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This seemed appropriate for a computer forum humor thread:

There are 10 types of people in the world:

Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2011 at 3:10PM
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Good one Bob!!

Ten Years Experience

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.

Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

    Bookmark   October 10, 2011 at 10:53AM
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A Review...

Is it time for performance reviews at your work? Here are some performance review terms and their meaning...

Outgoing Personality...................Always going out of the office
Great Presentation Skills.............Bull thrower
Good Communication Skills.........Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee......................Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified........Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority...................Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially............................Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially..............Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker.....................Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking............................Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker............................Won't make a decision
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs..........Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well.........Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail........A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities..............Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment.......Lucky
Keen Sense of Humour.................Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded.............................Back Stabber
Loyal..........................................Can't get a job anywhere else

    Bookmark   October 19, 2011 at 8:27AM
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My mom got mad at my dad the other day so she got even.

She went shopping to relieve her irritation.

When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.

"Ten!" he hollered. "TEN?!"

"Ten," is all she said, standing right up to him.

"What could any woman want with ten new dresses?!"

My mom calmly stood up and looked him right in the eye.

"Ten new pairs of shoes and ten handbags."

    Bookmark   October 27, 2011 at 11:05PM
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When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. As her mother's eyes welled up with tears, Andrea put an arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter", she reminded her mother in time-honored fashion, "you're gaining a son."

"Oh forget about that!" said her mother with a sob, "I used to fit into that dress!"

    Bookmark   November 8, 2011 at 12:18PM
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My parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl"? he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening and it wasn't until much later that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor

    Bookmark   November 15, 2011 at 7:15AM
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Pooh Bear

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

    Bookmark   November 20, 2011 at 7:36PM
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World Travel

I have done a lot of travel in my long life, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

But with all that travel, there is one place I don't ever want to go. I never want to be in Continent.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2011 at 11:13AM
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    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 7:57AM
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Mr. O'Flaherty : I presume, Mrs. Murphy, you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?
Mrs. Murphy: Indeed I do, sir; it's a lock of my Dan's hair.
Mr. O'Flaherty: But your husband is still alive.
Mrs. Murphy: Yes, sir, but his hair is all gone.

A woman was charged with a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'Iwill not pass through a red light' five hundred times'."

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 4:28PM
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I love that one about the new dentist. The last two are good ones also. I was just wondering, does anyone need a new thumb drive?

    Bookmark   December 17, 2011 at 5:57PM
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Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, spokesman say, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful".

    Bookmark   December 19, 2011 at 8:13PM
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Didn't see your last post until today pretty funny !!

Subject: 1961 - 2011

This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
1961 : Long hair
2011 : Longing for hair
1961 : KEG
2011 : EKG
1961 : Acid rock
2011 : Acid reflux
1961 : Moving to California because it's cool
2011 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1961 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2011 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1961 : Seeds and stems
2011 : Roughage

1961 : Hoping for a BMW
2011 : Hoping for a BM
1964 : Going to a new, hip joint
2011 : Receiving a new hip joint
1961 : Rolling Stones
2011 : Kidney Stones
1961 : Screw the system
2011 : Upgrade the system
1961 : Disco
2011 : Costco
1961 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2011 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1961 : Passing the drivers' test
2011 : Passing the vision test
1961 : Whatever
2011 : Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1993.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 2 year s before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine..
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!

    Bookmark   December 31, 2011 at 1:06PM
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Pooh Bear
    Bookmark   January 1, 2012 at 1:38PM
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