OT....how do I decorate?
I don't know how to decorate now. Not since I lost my Dad. I'd always said... and believed... that I decorated "for myself" since my Mr Oblivious never noticed or cared one way or the other. Dad living with us and enjoying my decorating so much just seemed a bonus. I guess it was far more than I knew.
When Valentine's came, and I didn't decorate, I had a reason. His health was failing rapidly and he died the day after. When St Patrick's came I was still grieving and we'd planned his services to coincide with a special family date of the 26th. So each time I had an excuse not to decorate.
When Easter came, I did get my things out and decorated... tho my heart wasn't in it at all. But I felt I needed to do this for myself, to try to regain some "normal" again. That didn't work it seems. Each year I've been getting out my patriotic decor for Memorial Day and leaving it up till the 4th was over. But this time, when Memorial Day came, I didn't. Now its almost the 4th and all my wonderful decorations are still packed. I even told myself I needed to do this FOR my Dad....he was so very patriotic. Not to mention one of his all-time favorite foods was watermelon!! ;o). Decorating with the red-white-blue from May to July would honor him, and be good for me. But I couldn't. I tried, but I couldn't.
Father's Day had me terribly down, I cry so easily any more. And his birthday is in July, the 23rd, so that will be hard. At the moment I don't even know how I am going to get thru Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I will, with the kids and grandkids, of course. But as far as decorating, and feeling any joy, how do you do it with a broken heart and such a huge sense of 'loss' ?
I've scolded myself for being this way. I'm 64 yrs old, not 6! My Dad lived a long (86 yrs), good life. His passing was gentle, surrounded by family. And now he's finally with my Mom again after 10 yrs without her. So why am I having so much trouble coping? I know he wouldn't want me be so sad and full of pain. Dad loved laughter, and embraced every day of life with it.
I feel like I'm letting him down by not enjoying things, not decorating, and all the blasted tears I cry. Which of course just makes me sadder. But I don't know how to stop missing him, and I don't know how to start to decorate again.
And I don't know who'd understand except maybe you....