What do you do when your husband's a slob?

katylakeFebruary 3, 2006

I love this forum, I think i read every post - mostly looking for someone with a similar situation.

I'm slowing getting my house remodeled, all by myself, cause my husband is oblivious. It's slow going, cause I'm not in good health, and it takes me probably three times longer to do things than normal people do.

Most of the kitchen stuff was done a month ago: a new soapstone countertop, new sink, cooktop, and fridge (all stainless.) It took me forever to clean up the dust and mess the workmen left, but finally, I did it.

Not five minutes after I put everything back, my husband was in the kitchen, frying something. (I should mention that it took me two days to clean the oven after the last time he cooked a roast at 500 degrees, with smoke all over the house, on the mirrors, everywhere, and the oven crusted over in a charred black mess.)]

He's a big fryer. He is also a big pig. He absolutely refuses to clean up after himself. Yes, I've shown him the mess, but he might swipe it and spread the grease, but he walks away from it.

I'm about ready to get a divorce. It's so hard for me to clean, and it wasn't clean five minutes before he started again.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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You could repost your question on the marriage forum, as this really does not seem like an actual cleaning problem. It's possible you have troubles beyond just the cleaning and need more help than can be offered on the forums. Good luck.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 11:12AM
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Sounds like good advice, socks.....
Does he do ANYTHING to share the burden?

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 11:40AM
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Katy, please stay right here, I'm with you! I'm a worn out wife of over 35 years, and my dearest hubby still is not housebroken! I experence what you discribe daily and it is infuriating. I know I am AC and a neurotic handwasheand can't stand to touch yuck. I understand he has no concept how his "cooking" effects me.
Some ideas that have helped me;
I love him and his honorable qualities.
I don't take his mess personally.
I clean it only when I can do so with out resentment.
Got a LadyBug Steamer to help.
Got a FloorMate to help.
Lots of papertowels and what he calls "shop rags"
I spray degreaser/cleaners and walk away to let them do the work, then wipe/rinse.
Clorox wipes help me feel better.
If I'm in a really good mood, I try to clean as he cooks.
People do what we allow.
If you are young, teach him how to treat you so you don't end up like me years later.
Buy good products and tools,
Do Not Nag, He will just get worst!

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 1:45PM
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Very good points from bodica. Remember you'll get much farther with gentle persuasion than criticism and anger. I know this is easier said than done.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 6:18PM
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I do the cleaning and give him the chores I don't like to do. ( lawn stuff, carry laundry between floors, pet clean up, rubbish duty..... )

That way the cleaning is done to my standards and he does other chores that don't make me crazy or run behind him and re-do everything.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 8:51PM
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Buy a gas grill with a side burner and make him do his cooking outside...

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 9:32PM
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If this is any consolation, my ex was a slob, too. Never lifted a finger to clean or help, maybe did his own laundry once in a great while but no one else's. He also didn't cook, do the lawn, any home maintenance, or much but lay in bed and wait to be called to dinner after work. He did do the dishes but I had to come back and do the things he ignored on the stove!. Then he lost his job and didn't look for another or pick up any slack at home, either. At least you get a good meal from him, I hope he is cooking for both of you! Okay, maybe you don't feel better...

    Bookmark   February 5, 2006 at 12:48AM
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I ditto what barnmom says. But I'm still married and DH doesn't even do his own clothes. Our youngest child is recently out of the nest so I've started putting my foot down in small ways. Like telling him I won't wash his clothes unless they're in the hamper. I explained that it takes him seconds to pick up the clothes but I have to wash, dry and fold them all. Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen perfectly and he understood that he could not make a mess on the counter. He usually spills water, etc. on it when pouring a drink from the fridge. I even got him to take our puppy out. He had been conveniently wearing shorts and saying it was too cold to go out. I gave him sweat pants to wear. These are small things but I think he realizes that I am beginning to mean what I say. He can sit on the couch or bed for hours at a time and I need to be doing something when I'm not on the computer. I can't just sit. So, in that respect, I realize our differences and let a lot go. But I hate it when I've cleaned up and he is the one who makes the mess.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2006 at 12:27PM
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Hummm.. these words come to mind..

I'm a man.. I can change.. If I have to.. I guess.

My dad is a fan of the Red/Green show, so I've heard those words on more then one occation and me and my mom have taken to repeating it to amoung ourselfs when we start to get fustrated with the men in our lives. I kid you not, my DH is JUST like my father. One day I was sitting there and the words "I've gone and fallen in love with my FATHER... this CANNOT be happening" came to me.

I agree with those here that said you'll get nothing by nagging and yelling. Nothing but a headache and a sore voice. There are somethings I've given up on expecting and others I've drawn a firm line in the sand.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   February 5, 2006 at 8:23PM
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Thanks for the advice, particularly Bodica, and LOL to the droll words of roadtrip!

My post was at the height of aggravation. He kept asking me if I was mad about something (I clam up and ignore him when I'm that angry.) I explained to him that only an insane man with a death wish would go into a sparkling clean kitchen to FRY fish five minutes after it was cleaned.

To my amazement, for the first time, he DID clean up after himself. No grease that I could l see. Hmmm. Must have been that wild and crazed expression on my face.

I did something to make myself feel better today. I'm in the midst of cleaning out and painting the linen closet (which hasn't been painted in probably a million years, or at least since we moved in.) I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and spent $150 bucks on organizing and cleaning stuff - and put it on HIS credit card.

Yeah, I sure felt a lot better. :)

Thanks again for the support in my time of need.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2006 at 9:22PM
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I went through the same thing with my ex. As soon as I'd spend hours cleaning, he'd come in and throw his clothes around. I'd protest, saying I just cleaned up, and he said "Deal with it".
So what I did (if you can stand it) I stopped doing any cleaning for a while. Boy oh boy! When he saw how bad things got ('cause of him) he pitched in and helped me clean.
Good luck!

    Bookmark   July 8, 2006 at 9:03PM
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Whew!! . . . How comforting to know that I am not alone here. . . . 18+ years and the same thing. Tried your method, dotcom . . . didn't work. He didn't care . . . just stepped over, sat down on, or added to the mess. Being raised as the eldest of 10 children in a household where his Dad felt that the wife should do all of the housework and the children should just be children (this was confirmed by one of his sisters)results in one slovenly man! He does his own laundry only because when I realized some 15 or so years ago that washing, drying, folding and putting away laundry made no difference to him (he is fine with using the dryer as his dresser drawer)I told him that if he didn't care, nor did I. He still has occasional relapses and leaves clothing in the dryer (and sometimes the washer), but because I no longer rant about it and instead just dump his stuff from the dryer (or washer) to the floor, he pretty much gets his stuff out (and piles in on the floor in his office). The kitchen . . . we won't go there . . let's just say that he is clear on my rule that there will be no cooking by me as long as the kitchen is not [kept] clean which he doesn't do (Ms. katylake . . . I absolutely feel you on that--I could have written your first post). Needless to say, I get a lot of dinners out. So socks and foggy, it is not always "troubles beyond the cleaning" there are many men out there who are just plain slobs!! I'm keeping my slob though . . . wouldn't trade him for the world. I just created ways to make him suffer the results of his slovenly ways (not that it matters much to him, but I get satisfaction watching him have to move all of the stray irems he has left all over the house that I have piled onto his office chair when he needs to sit down at his computer . . . tee-hee)It's tough, but at least I still have some sense of sanity (and I enjoy very nice dinner dates).

By the way, I constantly drill into him that the condition of the home reflects on the woman . . . no one ever says "HE is a terrible housekeeper" it's alwys "SHE". It does make him think and he realizes that he deserves the things that I do to get my point across. After all, he doesn't want anyone to think badly of his "Boo". :o)

    Bookmark   July 9, 2006 at 1:49PM
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My husband is also a mess-maker in the kitchen. Yesterday he made french fries from scratch. Also fried pork chops. Dinner was delicious,I might add. But afterward I had potato cutter in the sink, deep fat fryer on the counter, frying pan full of oil on the stove and dirty dishes stacked on all counters. I mentally divided the job into four areas-stove,two counters, and sink. I cleaned one area every half hour. By nine thirty I was tired and went to bed, but at least my kitchen was clean. Did I mention there were grease spatters everywhere? He (for reasons unknown to me) refuses or can't turn on the overhead stove fan. Which we just had replaced at a cost of $175 !!! The old one was so grimy I couldn't clean it anymore. I know he's oblivious to the mess. If I leave it ,he doesn't even notice. Just had to vent . . .

    Bookmark   July 10, 2006 at 10:40AM
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Boy, this all sounds too familiar! I realized a clean house was not a high priority for my husband. We are currently doing a remodel. I'm thinking once we are done, I am going to see about getting a cleaning service every other week. If he won't chip in, he can at least pay for the cleaning service.

It reminds me of when I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child. I would mow the lawns on Sat. and for some reason it would wipe me out for all day Sunday. The second time this happened I said we were getting a yard service. He balked but said he wouldn't do the mowing himself even though it was making me sick to do it (he was pretty clueless). I put my foot down and said "I can't do it, you won't do it. So we are hiring a lawn service." That was 9 years ago and it was the best thing I did. Now I get to do the fun stuff in the yard like plant flowers. The mow and blow is all taken care of.

It is hard not to take the slob additude personally. Another line I like to use is "You wouldn't leave your garbage laying around in a public park, why do you think it's okay to do in our house?"

Good Luck!


    Bookmark   July 23, 2006 at 3:33PM
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What do you do with a husband who is a slob but doesn't think he is? If anyone's visiting us, they're the ones who are the slobs. If it's only the 2 of us, I'm still forever picking up after him. Now he'll move his dishes to the wrong end of the island (furthest point from the sink). At least it's better than leaving them anywhere, I guess. He came from a household where it was always immaculate.

I know the reason he doesn't see his mess is because I'm forever cleaning up. And I do ALL of the meals. So I get to clean up my messes as well. But when I don't clean up, the mess drives me nuts. So, either way, I'm just hurting myself in the end.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2006 at 11:00PM
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A few years ago I realized my kids were taking on my husband's additude and leaving things like food wrappers laying around. When I started to get after my kids, my husband got annoyed.

My method was to ask who had left the wrapper laying around and have them come over and dispose of it. By doing that enough they started to pick up after themselves more because they realized I wouldn't just do it for them. My husband thought it petty of me, but I explained in the real world they needed to be responsible for their own messes and I wanted them to be aware of what they were doing. Really, I think the reason that my husband got annoyed was that sometimes he was the one leaving food wrappers around (especially when I found food wrappers by the computer) and he didn't like having attention brought to the fact.

My daughter certainly picked up on the message. She went on vacation with a friend and brought a gift home for me. It was a piece of decorated drift wood with the message "M is for mom.... not maid" written on it.


    Bookmark   July 25, 2006 at 12:36PM
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I hate it when my wife cooks a meal. My kitchen is a horrible mess afterwards. I have gone immediately behind her with a paper towel wiping up the floor because she was too hasty to prepare to carry a dish properly from the kitchen to the dining room table. I am convinced that she simply does not see the stuff. Imagine Pigpen; she might not have a trail of dust behind her, but there is a trail. Sometimes I manage to train her in one area, but, invariably, she back-slides.

I tried putting the dirty dishes that she leaves around in plastic bags. She sometimes hides the dirty dishes because she is too darn lazy to clean up. She is just like her father. I once saw him put down a bit of cake in three places, and sully them all up, because he was too lazy to get out a dessert plate.

    Bookmark   August 30, 2006 at 10:03PM
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I have the same problem. My DH and I only fight about two things (and it's the same two things OVER and OVER)cleaning and finances....

He thinks that because he takes care of the outside, I should take care of the inside. But that is completely unfair in my opinion. He mows the lawn maybe once every two weeks, and takes the garbage to the street (I still take it out of the house). He trashes the inside of the house, never picks up ANYTHING, and then complains that the house is never clean enough!? I go through spurts where I get the house really clean, and when he messes it up, I get annoyed. Sometimes it's just easier to let it get messy and stop worrying about it. It's a never ending battle. If he helped, even a little bit, I wouldn't be so frustrated...

    Bookmark   August 31, 2006 at 11:06AM
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This reminds me of a story my Dad and Mom have told for over 45 years. When my Mom was in the hospital having their second baby. Dad was home and helpless with the first. Since he cannot do dishes but is smart enough to know better than to leave them all over the kitchen to attract bugs. He put them in the refrigerator! Can you imagine coming home from the hospital to a fridge full of dirty dishes. My mother trained my dad to be useless in the house. He can't do laundry, dishes or cook. Who can understand what that generation was thinking??

If my husband tried to pull a stunt like that, I'd have to kill him. His habits could be a whole other post. But I have heard a thousand times about the dishes in the refrigerator! Makes me crazy. My mom just smiles and keeps cleaning up after him! Go figure!

    Bookmark   September 11, 2006 at 3:17PM
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My husband is oblivious to the messes he leaves behind. It use to make me insane to follow along behind him cleaning up. So, I just stopped. I am forever telling him that I am not his mother and will not pick up after him. As I broke the kids into cleaning up after themselves, I continued to hit on him too. Not that it has really helped. I have just learned to turn a blind eye to the mess he leaves, and leave it sit where it is until it finally bugs him enough to pick it up. This is particularly hard when it's my kicthen counter and I need the space to make dinner.

His laundry is my personal favorite... he dorps it where he takes it off. I ONLY wash clothes in the hampers. I wash a load of dark and a load of light EVERY day, starting first thing in the AM, and am usually done with laundry by 9AM. So, when he's packing for a business tirp and announces he's out of.... socks, underwear, or whatever... I tell him I emptied all the hampers this morning and did wash... if he needs something prior to when I next wash tomorrow morning I suggest her go run the washer AND dryer himself! After a few times of this he has gotten better... especially when I ddid NOT make sure his wash went into the dryer before I went to bed. Yes, I can be really nasty.

I also got a house cleaner every other week and we ALL spend the evening before she arrives straightening up. At a minimum he now puts all his laundry in the hampers once ever two weeks!

    Bookmark   September 12, 2006 at 3:49PM
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My husband of 40 years is a workaholic - outside the home of course. He plows the snow and mows the grass, prunes the trees, builds decks and trellises for me, cleans the lake or hires someone to do it, but he cannot seem to hang up his clothes or put his dishes away and he definitely does not know what a hamper is used for. I do all the household chores plus the finances and I wash, iron, fold, and put his clothes into the drawer. I go around picking up whatever he's left right where he used it and hang up clothes or put away dishes or throw garbage away. When he does cook every once in a great while, he doesn't clean up the counter, dishes or stove. I once asked him to wipe down the shower stall after he used it and you'd think I asked him to scrub the driveway with a toothbrush. I've spent most of our married life trying to get him to hang his coat into one of the 3 closets we have downstairs, but to no avail. He walks to the kitchen table from across the house and hangs them up on the back of a chair. Sometimes there are 3-4 coats hanging on the chairs.

I have asked and asked him to clean up around the house, but I've pretty much given up on thinking he'll ever change. He's a great person - he loves me and our grandchildren. He's kind and generous, will babysit the grandkids, and he will take care of my severely arthritic mother who lives with us - and he never, ever complains about the inconvenience it is for us. During our marriage I have never had to work outside the home, although I did it for 20 years, but when I wanted to stop 10 years ago, he didn't say anything, although he has kept on working. So, I follow bodica's advice. Sometimes it's hard. I get tired, I think it's unfair, but I choose to concentrate on his good points and just put up with the rest. He does the same with me.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2006 at 7:17PM
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Does anyone see a pattern here? Maybe our grandparents weren't crazy after all. Maybe men tend to be less attuned to messes around the house and women more so. It made sense then that they divided their roles as they did. Now there is confusion because women go to work too in which case both should do equal chores around the house. Women can mow the grass and change the oil and men can wash the clothes and clean the kitchen but doesn't it make since to do the work that fits your sensibilities. Either way, give each other a break. Aren't you there for each other? If you don't go to work than maybe quit complaining and just clean up the kitchen. If he is a creep that is doing it on purpose to make your life miserable than that is another story but probably not the case. Cut some slack and give some love.

    Bookmark   July 4, 2009 at 3:15PM
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I quit cleaning the bathroom to see if anyone - DH and 3 sons - would do anything about it. 10 days later I was about to throw up from the mess, and I was stil the only one who noticed. So of course I cleaned it.

DH just plain does not care. He could care less if the house is a stinking mess. The boys could care less, either.

So I clean for myself - I care! I don't even delude myself that I'm doing anything for them. I'm doing it for me, my way, when I want, what I want.

Oh and someone mentioned their DH's mother training them to be like this. That is soooooo my DH. When we're at my MIL's house, if DH says he's thirsty, she jumps up and gets him a glass of iced tea. And that's with him sitting 3 feet from the fridge!! She got mad at me because one of my sons said he was thirsty & I said "you know where the cups are and where the water is." She said it's not their place to be doing things in the kitchen. So see where it comes from with DH?

    Bookmark   July 5, 2009 at 9:00AM
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When my boys were little, and started leaving their stuff everywhere,(copying their Dad's messy ways) I gave them one chance to put it away where it belonged. If I came back through and saw it, I would confiscate it and lock it in the trunk of my car and kept my keys with me at all times. If they wanted it back they had to pay a quarter to me to open the trunk to get one item out. This went on for about 3 weeks and many temper tantrums wanting their baseball glove or track shoes or favorite jeans or whatever it was. But it cured them of being slobs. Many times they did not have the money and it also taught them to save their allowance just in case they screwed up. If their bedrooms were not cleaned once a week I would confiscate everything and give it to charities. If they did not value it enough to take care of it someone else would gladly love to have it. It sounds harsh but with boys you have to hit them with a 2x4 to get their attention on anything! They are now in their 40's and have immaculate homes. I see them now teaching my grand kids the same way. You just have to work smarter and not harder.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2009 at 1:03AM
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I am a man and I find this post interesting! LOL All of you seem to have been married long enough to have trained them early on.

I am now divorced and did everything around the house. My X did nothing! She never knew how as her mother never taught her anything. She doesn't cook, can't do laundry, has never pushed a vac, cleaned a toilet, or scrubbed a floor! I saw her through 3 hip replacement surgeries before she was 50. Her life never changed, mine did.

I ran her today at a concert and she asked me what type of softener I used? I asked her why are you asking? She told me that they feel rough. I then told her that you have to iron them and that she had not slept on unironed sheet for 26 years. Martha Stewart should still be in prison for recommeding E cotton! LOL I am going to pick up the 7 sets I left with her on Sunday. I also ironed all of her clothes and I told her today that she should find a good dry cleaner.

I just think that you have to live with what you have or move one.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2009 at 11:20PM
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Love this topic! No it's not *always* the man who is the problem and the woman who is cleaning. With DH's ex it was the opposite, which makes me really wonder what their place looked like! We've had "the talk" more then once. The last one we had I told him 'I cannot do everything myself. Either you help me with this house that YOU also wanted, or when the market comes back we sell it and move back into a smaller apartment'.

I made up a list of regular chores, like bathroom cleaning, dishes, pet care, laundry, floors, etc. I chose some of them for him and asked if this list was ok with him, with the agreement that it could be changed of course. He agreed. Granted, it is not equitable; I do have more responsibilities. BUT I'm not doing it all myself anymore and that was the goal. Now I have time for things that I am annoyed by - like cleaning trim LOL. Things many don't even think of ever. Also - things that are cleaned by someone else, I never criticize if an honest effort was made.

My favorite tricks - I announce when I doing a lot of laundry and he and DSD are responsible for bringing their dirty stuff down. I fold (usually) and pile and they have to take it from there for their own clothes. DH does most of the cooking (I do the meal planning and he approves the menu) and I wash the dishes during the week. DSD and DH are responsible for cooking/dishes on the weekends. If the sink is not empty on Sunday night, I do not do dishes until it is. Since DH has to cook, this usually ensures the dishes are done Sunday night or Monday night at the latest. Before I started that rule it took forever to catch up on all the dishes they left after the weekend.

"When my boys were little, and started leaving their stuff everywhere,(copying their Dad's messy ways) I gave them one chance to put it away where it belonged. If I came back through and saw it, I would confiscate it and lock it in the trunk "
I LOVE this idea! If DSD ever lives with us it WILL be instituted. I remember once as a child my mom threw out (gave away?) EVERYTHING on the floor of our closet because we didn't clean it. I must've been in 3rd grade and I still remember the tears and tantrums on that day! I did already tell DSD this story as a bit of a warning =D

    Bookmark   July 12, 2009 at 12:06AM
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Blackcats, my Mom did the same to me when I was a kid. If I wouldn't clean my room or closet, she picked up and threw out evereything. Taught me a good lesson. Do it right away!

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 12:06PM
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My ex used to throw his clothes in front of the hamper. I finally told him that anything not in the hamper wasn't getting washed. After a couple of weeks of dirty clothes he finally got the hint.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 2:57PM
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Back about 1960 I knew a couple who couldn't stand one another. He had his faults, I didn't know her that well, but anyway - " He bought the house next door and moved her into that house. They lived that way for decades.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 11:07AM
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I totally agree with training your kids to pick up after themselves, do chores and be able to cook/clean etc. As far as "training" a husband, well, you can make suggestions, but beyond that you sort of married who you married. And really, so what if the clothes are "in front of" the hamper? That's pretty close. No more difficult to put in the basket than the ones in it, frankly. It's easier to change your own attitude than another person. I know we want to dictate what our spouse's cleanliness standards "should" be, but if they tried to change US in that respect (i.e. that we should be more or less clean than we are), how readily would we embrace that? I say ask for help when you need it and be grateful when you get some.

Count your blessings, not your grievances.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 7:00AM
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Well, here is my piece to this discussion. Why do all
of you gals'....clean ?..AT ALL.? Where did you get
the idea, that it was YOU...? Not implying its the man.

Its just a question.


    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 2:59PM
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If I lived with someone who cooked splattered grease all over the kitchen, you can bet that he/she would be unable to find any sort of cooking oil the next time the urge to cook came upon him/her.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 5:04PM
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I will share my view. In order to see what I am saying,
you must try to not have any emotional feelings AT ALL.

First, the law says, that the man is the head of household.
And that he is supposed to provide for his family. I realize
there are single mothers, etc. But that is another story.

Usually a guy is raised in this culture, that his house
is his " castle ". He is raised that he is to wear
the "pants " in the family, etc.

So, a smart girl, allows that. She does not fight with that. The husband, doing his job, to be a husband and
provide for his family,......supposedly is looking for
a wife, OF COMFORT AND JOY. Someone " he likes to come
home to ". But he is taught, that marriage becomes a
" ball and chain "....and that many women, have become those
" wicked witches of the west "....with time. And he is
to be vigilant about THAT.

So, what does a smart girl do? She LETS him have his
castle. She lets him be the head of the household, and
do his job...to provide for his family. Her aim is to slice little peaches and feed
them to her husband each night during movies :>) And he
ENJOYS being with her.

So HOW, does she deal " with it "...as far as cleaning,
etc ? Well, FOR SURE,....she does not " get on his back ".
That's what many the husbands call it. :>) Because then she
sort of morphs...into that cartoon they read about,
where the woman becomes like that " wicked witch of the
west ".

Getting " oh his back " means scolding, ridiculing,
threatening,criticizing,raising ones voice and complaining,
reminding him, reminding him, reminding him, etc..
and then, punishing ( they call it )..by " going after
him all the time " they call it.( means criticizing,
reminding, reminding, and then berating, and berating.)

You know?....you DO NOT WANT TO...do this.

So, what do you do? So, that you stop doing the other.?

Well, you do what every loving caring woman does..that
loves her man !...:>)......


You take yourself...out of the ' GAME '.

Since he is providing for the family and his wife..so
to speak, and he wants his house to be his castle,
and sanctuary,.....YOU LET MOTHER come from outside
the home, in the form of a third party....

A third party cleans, a third party does the bills,
a third party, does the yard. It is his castle,
and sanctuary. And even, a third party, cares for
the children UNDER the supervision of a parent..
like for evenings out, to a Symphony. Not all the time.
I am not suggesting that. But, you do have someone
that fills in, when your husband,...would like to go
out. ( or you, and he wants to too.)

So, everything becomes third party. He hires that out.
Because, then,...his home is his sanctuary...and his
castle, and you are the princess who lives in the castle.

Thats what he wants. He wants to run the show. He does
not want 2nd mother there with him,....in the form of
morphed girlfriend.

So, a smart girl, gives all that to her husband.
And she goes out for nice little lunches with girlfriends,
and strolls her babies...meeting other moms, and they
have coffee, and then she goes home to a clean house,
and laundry done,....and maybe she makes some
Chicken Catchatori....a little glass of wine, or
spritzer, and the sunset walk holding hands, and then
a movie, and she gives him his peaches...and life is good.

A wife .....is a companion...and confident. She is
her husbands lover. She creates comfort and joy..and
adds to his life in positive ways. And he loves to
come home to her. She smells great, she is energized..
because she did nurture herself..having a lunch out
with friends,....and the only thing to do, after dinner,
is to read a story, hold the baby, and sing, and
go off to bed,....to snuggle with hubby.

No negative anythings..because everything is already done.
and will be tomorrow.

Bills are handled by someone else, cleaning by someone else,
landscape by someone else,...and child care when parents
want to have a little break.

The wife...fresh and happy, uses a credit card...because
maybe it is easier to track expenses, and SHE IS VERY
PRUDENT with money, and tries to save her husband money.
She is very budget conscious, and does not add to over
extending of the budget. She is thrifty and tries to buy
the childrens things on sale, etc. She is very considerate
of her husbands hard work. And he loves her for it.

Before getting too much furniture, too much car debt,
too much clothing debt from credit cards, too much
of of anything,.....these expenses are taken care of
first, to pay for..." the third party ".

If there are any problems....you go to a ' THIRD PARTY .'
You say " honey, maybe someone can help us...maybe
we could go talk to someone that is familiar with
situations like this ". If its money problems..
you say " honey, maybe we could go talk to a financial
planner ".

You DO NOT, become the ranter, the raver, the berator,
the criticizer, etc. You only become the one with
the nice sliced peaches...:>

Everything goes to a third party. Because you see,
he is the head of the household, ....and the provider,
so, he will argue with you,.....if he senses, that
his opinions are not being heard. But, if he goes to
that third party that is " trained " in finances..
he may not aruge with that person. If the cleaning
service says " you know, it just takes me so long to
pick up, that there is not time left over to really
clean "....then he hears that from a third party..
but also has to pay her for more, or clean up somewhat

Try not to put yourself....." in there ". Get yourself
OUT,....and push it onto a third party. Let the third
party deal with your husband. That keeps you from
appearing IN HIS EYES, that you have become that " ball
and chain " he read about when he was an adolescent.

Mernie. ( you can expand on this, subtract from it..
but see if you can use it...to help your personal
situation. There are other examples...for other
situations. I know that not all husband can afford the
third party..in everything. But the idea is to work
toward that..and maybe set one " third party " up.
Maybe thats a cleaning person, only once a month
for a while. Then see if you can move it twice a month.
....JUST,...get yourself OUT of the situation.
It solves a lot of problems. )

Auntie Mernie :>)

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 6:04PM
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By the way, this is not letting someone get away
with things. And this is not being a doormat.
This is not becoming some passive slave. It is not
becoming some servant girl, with some patriarchal
male. And its not letting someone live with
accepting lower standards, etc.

Its just common sense. Why fight with things..
that you do not have to, and that will only
make tension in the relationship...because
one person, will not conform TO YOU? ( about
housecleaning and bills and yard work )

People can and DO become rebellious, IF they think that
a 2nd father or mother is in the house with them,
and they are an adult. So sometimes, behaviors are there
to illustrate who wears the pants, etc. Its a
" I am not a woos " thing. Why fight that? And
some just plain think its abuse, for a spouse, to
rail against them. So, they dig there heels in deeper...
as a defense.

And yes, there are some people who just do not
agree with your standards, and how things have to be.
So, get someone who can sort of approximate what
you think your standards might be. why
fight that? Why spend life with someone...
in conflict..about what you want, that they won't do.
Its just too much responsibility. and who
wants it anyway.?

And yes, there are some people who DO think, that
its 'the other persons' job '. But why fight that
either? If you do not want to be that, or do that,
get someone who can do it as A JOB..and make money
at it.:>) You are not an employee, see?

It works very well, to just Get yourself out...of the situation,
using a third party. Then, that stuff sort of goes
away..FOR YOU, and for the spouse.
And if the spouse leaves a filthy mess for the
cleaning service, he may have to pay more.
Or they may refuse to come any longer, then he
may have to find someone else, or change some
of his patterns.

But its not your job to change HIS/her patterns...
of making messes that you do not enjoy to clean.

Now if you enjoy it, thats a solution. :>)

If both are working, well, there are other solutions..
maybe both don't like at all to clean, so they
both hire out to someone...and split costs.

Rules are what we make them to be...and what we
can realistically live with.


    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 9:05PM
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Mernie - it took all that to say, hire a cleaning crew?

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 8:56AM
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Boy, I guess there are multiple levels of issues we can all face. One is just division of labor and how spouses feel about that--so, DW may be expected to do all the house cleaning and DH may do car upkeep, bills, home repairs--substitute any similar examples. Are they each happy with the division? If not, is it because of the job--drudgery, or whatever--or time commitment ("I spend 4 hrs a day on chores and you spend 30 min). All that can be tricky to divide up and still never may be 50-50.

Then there would be more of the "slob" issues in which one person creates a large burden that seems unnecessary or inconsiderate. We think of cleaning most often, but a different example is if someone abuses the car, or an appliance, or stop up the toilet (especially if repeatedly and not just a simple mistake) and then the other person has to pick up the pieces, perhaps with a large time commitment or $$ commitment. As in the example of the really messy cook (I mean, if REALLY messy)--then the cleaning spouse could have a job that can't be done with a reasonable amount of time and energy--and at night you can't just hire someone to come fix it.

Control is a factor for me--I am less likely to complain if I have to clear up someone's clutter, as long as I can do what I want with it. It becomes a major problem if I can't move it, can't sort it, can't organize it, but have to watch the dirt accumulate on top of it or can't use the dinner table, or chair. If it just turns out that picking up is one of my jobs in the division of labor scheme, I can often do that, and then I decide if I also have time to cook dinner, or whatever.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 12:48PM
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yeah it did take that long.:>) Sorry.....lol,
I am moving my replies to somewhere else. I will
post the location of where, when I find the right
thread. That way...more discussion doesn't
take up space here, under cleaning tips. That is,
if anyone is interested. I feel very compassionate
for young women who find themselves in this " plight ".
and also, I have much empathy..for older women,
who find themselves..really stuck now...to keep
doing this stuff....and they can feel it taking a tole
on them.


    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 2:48PM
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Mernie - maybe GardenWeb needs an Advice to Young Women forum. We could all post our "if only I had known this a long time ago" revelations.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 5:23PM
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Hi Greywings, thanks ! and ...

Yes, there ought to be...lol
But sorry to say, that...
Garden web does not have a thread on marriage
or housekeeping roles, etc., that would
be appropriate for continued discussion on
what to do with husbands that refuse to participate...
and the why of it all.
( also know there are women who equal the stories
here, so not trying to be too biased )
So now, with so much more to say, lol, ...I am remorseful, about having to hold
my tongue, lol.
So, sorry, ....there is no place for a new thread to post any more
comments about this subject, except here, under cleaning.

Love and Happiness to all !

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 6:25PM
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