frustrated, tired, angry, and want my life back

bwill040December 24, 2010

I don't even know where to begin, but I need to totally vent as I am feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment.

To give some background information, I am the youngest of my father's children (28 yrs old). My father is 85 years old. My father has sons and a daughter all in their 50s and 60s who do NOT remotely help nor even call. So wrote them off as dead weight and kept it moving. They had some falling out before I was even born. So I have no clue what their issue is, but what the hell is wrong with baby boomers and holding on to grudges from the past? He doesn't even remember what he did. But I digress.... My mother died of colon cancer in 2006 (53 yrs old at the time). My dad was then diagnosed with dementia in 2007 at Walter Reed (which he failed to tell me about, not a surprise there). I got married in 2009, managed to finish my doctorate degree in 2010 and started working a new job in California. Pops lives in Maryland. Why did I move to California because the job market is really tight and its my 1st real job ever.

So after a two hospital stays for high blood pressure (in the 200 region) and passing out episode, I was finally notified that he had dementia and needed added care. So I paid a neighbor to be in the house with him all day until he got mad with her and threw her out. But as he puts it, "she doesn't do anything". My grandmother (on my mother's side and younger than my father) set up his pills in cups with labels, which seems to be working so far. I then set up meals on wheels because he will no longer cook for himself. He throws it in the trash and starves all day until a kind neighbor brings him something. He says, "it's not real food". There was an incident that he fell in basement and couldn't get himself up until he managed to call a neighbor from his cell phone for help. So I put a lock on the basement door and gave my grandmother a key so she could wash his clothes when she comes over to check on him. He jimmy's the door open with a knife and goes in the basement to God knows what. He obsesses over the basement. He swears up and down, he can take care of himself, but won't even feed himself unless you make something for him. He can not legally drive anymore and the state of Maryland revoked his license, even sent the police to retrieve it. My stubborn and controlling father (which is an understatement) spent Christmas Eve screaming at me about his car keys, which I took away because he was still driving. He claims he doesn't drive, but driving to a neighbors house or dunken donuts is still driving and still breaking the law. My name is legally on the car which is why DMV hasn't requested the car tags to be turned in. I don't believe you can own a car without a legal license, not sure though? I want to remove my name from the registration because I do not want to be legally responsible for his wrong doings. Mainly because I am trying to obtain a secret clearance for work and you can't have court cases showing up on your record. So how am I suppose to get to him to stop driving and quit going in the basement. I thought about having the car disabled but he watches you like a hawk when it comes to that car. I am to the point I am ready to call the police on him if he's driving.

If I get legal guardianship then what do I do with it? I wish he would just move into assisted living, which will in a battle in itself. He already made it clear that that he isn't moving out of his home and its not right to take everything away from him. As mean as this sounds I wish he would just have a stroke or break a hip so he can be forced into special care. I am just so so so tired of it. There is no reasoning with him. Its his way or no way. He is so afraid to give up control over his life. Things wouldn't be so bad if he would just work with you a little bit.

I for once want to have a damn life. I spent the past 10 years in school getting a higher degree and I want to enjoy it. My father only seems to think my life should revolve around him only. He gets mad when I don't call, but what is there to talk about. Who wants to call to listen to their love one complain and moan. I am stuck in a never ending cycle. If I don't call then its I'm lonely and you don't care. When I do call its I don't need anybody and anything. When the hell do I get a chance to enjoy my marriage and start a family of my own!? I want to travel overseas and finally have the income to do it and NOW I am stuck working to pay my father's back taxes on his behalf. I feel like I have done all that I can and I am just now waiting until he gets worse so its easier to move him to a nursing home. I just want to have a life and enjoy it. What a crappy Christmas is turning out to be.....

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I understand this may not help you at all, but please know that you're not alone. I'm in much the same place with my Mother.
please seek a POA with medical benefits. Try to make him see you are his only support but you need the power to make his life easier.
We are basically stuck with a few hundred acres of land that we are too worn out to farm, ours free and clear, but she won't leave her 3 acres.We'd like to put the farm life behind us and travel but can't even consider it.
And one of the funniest things is when she was driving she went to the nursing home 3-5 days a week, to eat lunch with her friends.
Now she won't even entertain the idea. Some tough decisions are going to have to be made for both of us. Good luck, I know for a fact it was easier raising 3 year old twin boys then it is raising a parent.......
keep us up on your progress, all of us are learning every day.
simple me

    Bookmark   December 25, 2010 at 12:00AM
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".....NOW I am stuck working to pay my father's back taxes on his behalf."

Don't get this at all. Why are you doing this?

Otherwise, you've got a tough nut here. To begin with, I'd get your brother and sister on-board. To hell with the past. You need help. Don't write them off until you've tried.

    Bookmark   December 26, 2010 at 1:38PM
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Hope things worked out better in the last few months for you! Just reading some of the posts, and can relate....I'm having some of the same problems with my mom. It seems to be a never ending cycle, no matter how hard we try to help! I have 2 other siblings who do what they can to help, and 1 younger brother who continues to bleed our Mom dry..(financially and mentally).. He has put her through a lot of heartache over the years, yet she continues to bail him out of every problem he gets himself into. She just turned 81 recently. It is so frustrating and she can be so stubborn sometimes!

    Bookmark   August 31, 2011 at 6:59PM
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With respect....things do NOT "just work out". Somebody makes them go the way they're supposed to. Who else is going to care if not those involved?

OP has not returned so I don't know where they're at. All I know is that they were headed in the wrong direction. Suspect ignorance of what required but don't know. Seemed like a pretty bad situation to me.....via their ignorance.

    Bookmark   August 31, 2011 at 8:50PM
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