Am I mean for thinking this way?
My wife has a close relative in her 80's who has been living by herself in an independent retirement place for over 10 years, ie no medical or other assistance apart from the alleged 'cleaner' she has who has been robbing her blind inasmuch as the place is filthy. I don't think she has been able to see well enough to tell. She doesn't take care of herself, really, and eats all the wrong stuff for a diabetic, pretty much lost the will to care for herself 'because she still feels bad' but bemoans the fact too. She's kind of bitter and not always nice to be around, can be quite manipulative and demanding, and does not seem to realise that she won't get much in the way of visitors if she is such a downer...basically.
A couple of months ago she had a accident (she is kind of a danger to herself and others, thankfully she stopped driving a couple of years ago) that resulted in various broken bones etc - amazing she is still alive. She is diabetic and has not looked after herself, being in the hospital she's actually looked better and been breathing better, since she's actually back on all the medication she is supposed to take. Despite this, she had a small heart attack a few days ago, but is ok.
She is entitled to extra benefits etc because of her former government service...and has been keen to speak with her advocate. I found out the reason why, is she wants them to hire help for her, so she can return to her apartment! I didn't disguise my amazement very well. Keep in mind this is a small place and she will need to be in a wheelchair for at least several months, can't really use her hands (can't hold a book for example) and the place is not really set up or furnished suitably.) She thinks if someone (hired by govt I suppose) visits four times a day, she'll be fine. I don't know how she thinks she will cook etc and if she even can - she had a pet which she quickly lost interest in and neglected, we have been nursing it back to health, an animal I really don't want but hate to see neglected....
Her sister lives a few doors up and I fear the reality is, if the hospital etc are foolish enough to let her go home (she has a rather bold way of talking people into all sorts of things) the burden is going to fall onto her sister's shoulders - she's getting on herself, has grandkids she's very close to, and very busy, plus her son's been diagnosed with a terminal illness plus they may have to move because of a projected rent increase they can't afford so she has a LOT on her plate, and I really don't think it's fair that this burden will fall so much on her, plus the rest of the family.
She's procrastinated for years about getting into a facility more suitable for her, and, even if she hasn't said it or thought it, the only way for her to get her way is for the whole family to do it for her....that may sound callous but whilst yes, family should help each other, she's made a lot of selfish choices that have put her in this position, now everyone else has to pay for them.
I know inwardly I sound kind of angry, and I am, because of the impact/future impact that will have on my wife, her mother, et al but it just seems unfair and unrealistic and I am frustrated there has been no reality check thus far. I know it's probably better for her 'morale' to allow her to continue in this delusion, but I don't think it's right that the message "you can't move back to your place, you will need an extended care facility" (and I can't see how it can be any other way) should come from the family...she will hold it against them/us. It has crossed my mind that she's not entirely cognisant but she sure seems that way.