How do I break the news ?

toomuchglassNovember 23, 2007

I "need" to get FIL into a home. ( For my own mental health ) I'm filling out applications and making phone calls - all behind his back. I've been losing sleep over "how to break it to him" . Is there an easy way ? (I've been rehearsing so many speeches ......) *sigh*

If you had to do it - how did you go about it ? I want to be honest - but tactful. I can really use some advice.

((((((( Everyone ))))))))

Kathy

~_~_~_ PS .... FIL is a sensible man. I'm sure he'll understand & he'll be okay with it. I just feel like I'm kicking him out of his home. Being this time of year also makes me worry that he will think we don't want him around for the holidays.

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mikeandbarb

I know how you feel. Even though I haven't had to put my dad into a home I did have to sit down with him and let him know that I cannot handle going over everyday. The guilt is awful but you have to think of yourself and take care of yourself too.
No matter what it's not easy to tell anyone bad news or sad news. Best to sit with him and let him know you need to take care of yourself. Don't do it behind his back. Ask him if he'd like to go with you to check out the homes and see which one he prefers.
Just remember just because you can't take care of him as much, does not mean he has to go into a home if he does not want to. He can say yes or no. Many times we have to wait till something bad happens or their mind is so far gone that they have no voice to say if they go or not.
If he can afford to hire someone or even allow someone else to come in to help out at home would help you out.
My dad does try to play with my feeling I think but he does know that I'm not much better off then he is. I have back problems and cannot clean house without taking pain medicine. I cannot lift more than five pounds. I can only carry five pounds from the car to the house and even that can get to me if I have three or four trips. Thing's that I don't have to worry about bring in I wait till DH gets home and ask him to carry them in. Of course dad does not know just how much I'm troubled I don't show it but finally had to tell him just how bad it is for me. II can be in pain and not show it, I'm like that, only when the pain is so bad does it show.
Add to the mental part of caring for him it was and is really taxing on my health.

So the best thing to do and sit with your FIL and let him know how it's wearing you down. I'm sure he'll understand. Just remember he's going through a bad time in life himself and if he get upset know it's not at you, it will be more at aging and not being able to do what he'd like to do. It's not easy to give up and this is what he'll see it as ..having to give up or give in. I think you might be surprised by him telling you he knew it was coming. We all have that sence of when things are not right.

My blessing to you both

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 6:53PM
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shambo

mikeandbarb gave you excellent advice. What kind of "home" are you talking about? A skilled nursing facility? An assisted living community? A memory care unit? Or an independent living retirement apartment complex?

Is your FIL still living on his own or does he live with you? If he's living by himself, having in-home care aides may be enough to give you some relief. However, if he's actually living with you, a few hours a day may not be enough help for you.

Do you know how he will finance a move?

This is a difficult time for both of you. I know you want to do what's best for both of you. Good luck.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 7:06PM
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toomuchglass

The "home " would be a nursing home - I guess just for the elderly. ( This is just so new to me ) He's 91. He can't be on his own . He lives with DH & I & we're responsible for everything .DH works and hunts & fishes - I'm here 24/7 .
FIL has no posessions & gets a minimal
pension. I'll be honest here .... I'm on the highest dose of antidepressants that I get - my depression is severe. I've already been hospitalized once for it - I don't want to go back.
I hate to admit this - but last week I had a total breakdown .... Crying ,sobbing , pacing ,unable to sleep -- telling DH that I can't do this anymore. It took me days to recover from that episode. I called DH's brother , crying and begging for him to take his dad for a day . He took him for 4 hours.
Now - everything is on my shoulders ( like usual )
Isn't it that way for most women ?

Thank you both for your advice .
(((( Mikeandbarb )))
(((( Shambo ))))))

I know there's no miracle answer , but being able to post it here helps more than you can know . I'll keep on plugging away till I Can't anymore . Thank you everyone !

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 7:49PM
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mikeandbarb

Then it is time for you to find him a good home. It will not be easy due to his finances. Your DH should be helping you also. It's so easy for men to just let thing's go till you back them into a corner and say no more. Sounds like everyone has left you holding the bag. Your the one that took over and took care and handled everything and they went on with their lives. I hope you can talk to your DH , just look him straight in the eyes and tell him no more you cannot take anymore and dad has to go into a home. If he does not like it to bad. He's not the one taking care of him. He doesn't have a clue what it put you through.
BTW, A nurse confused how much harder is was for her to care for her parents. You do have emotional bond that wears you down.
How long has your FIL lived with you? Are their any other sons or daughters? If you can I'd get the whole family together and tell them you cannot take care of your FIL any longer, WHAT are they going to do about it. Put it back into their court it's their father and they should be the ones helping to take care of dad. If they don't do anything SHAME on them but do not let them stop you. It does you nor your FIL any good.
Whenever you have the need to vent and spill your guts out, you can email me or post on here and let it rip. I know it helps to get it out. The best to you, be strong ant stand up for yourself.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 9:57PM
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agnespuffin

Check on getting him some sort of state aid to pay for the NH care. Then shop around to find a home that suits everyone, both you and him, the best. There may be a waiting list. Get his name on it. Then when the chance comes, you'll have everything ready.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 10:16PM
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shambo

Toomuch, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how difficult this whole situation must be for you. I have a very limited experience having my 92 year old mother with us for just a few months, and it just about did me in. So I can certainly sympathize with you. Don't even consider feeling guilty about wanting to place you father-in-law in a skilled nursing facility. Your physical & emotional well being depend on it. The entire burden for his care should NOT rest on your shoulders alone.

As mikeandbarb said, feel free to come to this forum to vent or ask opinions. The members here have so many varied experiences and are a wonderful source of encouragement.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 2:45PM
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toomuchglass

I'm learning alot here.The past 5 years started off ok ... but it's going downhill fast ! We're definately going to get him some state aid.

You know the funniest thing ?
I took all 3 of DH's brothers aside and told them what I'm planning on doing. Do you know what I heard ? Silence. Nothing. No offers to help. No Suggestions. No questions. That spoke volumes to me. It said that they got to be carefree for the last 5 years while "I" took care of things . Now THEY might have to get involved. I rained on their parade - and I'm HAPPY I did it ! LOL Thanks to all your suggestions - I'm growing a backbone !

*evil grin* & *wink* !!!

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 6:36PM
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mikeandbarb

Good for you.....Men don't like to handle this type of thing and are all to happy to let anyone else do it.
This is a malfuntion in their brain. My DH will not handle this type of problem unless I make him. By making him I just tell him it has to be done, we can't just sit back and let it go.

You didn't say if the other brothers are married or not but if they are where are their wifes? Guess they are like the rest, just push it off to whoever will handle it.

I am very proud of you and you will be so much better once your FIL gets settled into a home.
You must be a very kind, caring person to have taken care of him this long.

My DH and I have gone round and round about me taking on gardening but I tell him it's all I have to relieve me of my stress. DH wants me to sit inside with him while he sits at the computer all day long....How boring is that LOL. he say's he wants to be with me.....I tell him come outside but I know he fears I'll put him to work.....and I would hehehe.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 11:16PM
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toomuchglass

"There is a malfunction in their brain " Mikeandbarb - that had me ROFL !!!!
Gardening is a real stress reliever ... get DH out there & get dirty together !!!! You're like me - I'd have DH doing all kinds of stuff. I could point out a honey-do list a mile long .. that's probably why he stays in the house LOL

    Bookmark   November 25, 2007 at 4:47PM
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