guilt for not feeling.

bonjoNovember 15, 2010

I have been with my partner now going onh 7 years, married for less than a year. Age 56. Our children are grown and gone. For the past six years his only sister has been pretty awful to not only both of us, but to her niece and nephew, and her now 88 year old father. Never married,lived alone, no children, no pets, age 58. We always invited her to gatherings, holidays, bought gifts for Xmas etc., At the rare holiday that she might show up she literally threw the gifts back at us, causing huge family fights, niece in tears, her brother kicking her out. She was also a hoarder, her house when we finallly had to go in this past july was uninhabitable, filth and clothes over every foot of the floor, dirty dishes all over the kitchen and floor, stove did not work. We had over the years finally just stopped asking her to any gatherings.Years ago I had heard she once had cancer on her leg, I thought it was a minor skin cancer because no one ever brought it up and she never ever went to the doctor. This summer she finally got so sick she went in and found out it had mastisized to her liver. (I was shocked to learn it was a rare and deadly sarcoma)She never went back for scans, never followed the doctors follow up advice. I was elected to take her for a treatment in the city, which was to late. I have been nice, I have compassion for people that are sick but beyond that I feel nothing. I helped my stepdaughter clear out the horrid mess in her home. When her father came in during this, she screamed at him get the F out of my house. She moved in to her fathers home and is now at the point of being in a hospital bed, in his frontroom. NO one came to see her, she has no friends, the people that she worked for for 20 years, not one came to see her. My dilema at this point is three people who NEVER EVER visited her now think she needs round the clock care, and are giving me flack because I have not offered to help. She has them running ragged, preparing her meals, changing her diapers, driving 20 miles to get her special organic food. Her father's sleeping on the couch at night in case she needs anything, she screams at him to leave her alone when she needs her pills, then get sick because she doesn't take them. She went for over a month without bathing brushing her teeth, or washing her hair. I finally found a nice lady through hospice to come and bathe her, and to change her diaper in the Am. The next day her father was frantic when she did not return, I called and found out she fired her, and told her that family was there 24/7. I finally called her physican's office, and they told me she was refusing hospice, which is her right. That's fine, don't look at me though. Her brother FINALLY convinced her to let a nurse come and evaluate her this afternoon at 2:30, the nurse asked that I be present. AT this time I do the books for three separate family business's, manage my deceased mothers rental house and my rental house in another state, not to mention cleaning and cooking for my husband and myself. This forum at least let me get off steam.



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It sounds like you have more that you wish to handle. I would suggest a immediate family meeting, and have some legal advice about putting her in a nursing home. The 88 year old father does not need and should not put up with this abuse. This is elder abuse. No the nurse should not just evaluate her and these people appear to show the nurse or any one else her"good" side. Also these tell these three people to mind there own business. Yes she can refuse hospice, but find out if all the legal papers are filled out, who has charge of her bank account. There are some excellent postings on this site as to what is needed.She appears to have some serious mental issues and someone, possibly your husband needs to talk to the Doctor, if he is able to because of the privacy laws. Someone needs to take over legally and get this person into a care place where the can and will give her the meds she needs.
Good luck

    Bookmark   November 15, 2010 at 6:14PM
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I agree with Mariend. This woman is sick, mentally unstable and has no business living with her 88 year old father. Don't let anyone bully or guilt you into anything. She needs to be placed where she can get the help she needs--the current situation is not healthy for her or anyone else. I wish you luck.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2010 at 8:29AM
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If shes that sick get hospice and insurance will cover. If they feel 24/7 care is needed they have special places just for that where shell be free of pain and catered to. She is not your responsibility and you should not have to be the one stepping up!! You can not force care on her but a nurse can file paper work to have her taken to a hospital so she is taken care of. Everyone deserves to be cared for at the end of life but with the way she is it can not be you. Sounds like the nurse just needs to section 12 her...meaning forced hospitalization. Sounds terrible but it will benefit her and maybe help her be at peace. Good luck

    Bookmark   November 25, 2010 at 11:54PM
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Agree with mommyjoof3....intervene and compel.

    Bookmark   November 26, 2010 at 4:46PM
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