mother in law

luvmypetsNovember 19, 2007

Lives alone, 88 yrs old. Has always done well, seems not so, lately. What to do? Ask her to move in with us? Doubt she will (hopefully) lol. Is it our position to make her. My DH is only child. There are no other living arrangements other than here with us.

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Connie Kru

Was once in this situation. How far does she live from you-continue to keep an eye on her as much as you can. You can't make them move unless you do it legally-have her declared incompetent and if that becomes necessary you will have to do it.
We watched my hubbies mother go down hill for a long time and finally she was so out of it that she let us move her-I will admit that there were several years I felt she should not be on her own-but she would not budge. I think that this picture is probably true of most cases-You do what you can and have neighbors keep you informed and her church keep you informed and when the time is right you move.
Until that time--do the talk of when you are ready to move or can't do it on your own we really want you to move in with us. Take her for a few weeks at a time if you can.
Good Luck

    Bookmark   November 19, 2007 at 4:33PM
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It took us four years to convince my MIL to sell her house and move in with us. Yes I hate it, but like yours, my DH is an only child and she is incapable of living alone now. The issues of aging means there are regular and recurring discussions on health, financial, and emotional issues that must be dealt with.

It's hard for her too, but it was the right thing for us to do. We got all her affairs in order - which was a good spur for us to get OURS in order too! - and it's amazing what a relief that has been.

I hope you and your DH are able to get a discussion going with her about how to handle her aging. It's hard, but knowing exactly how things are is so much better than not knowing, and being faced with a sudden emergency where you have to scramble for information at the same time you are making tough decisions.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   November 19, 2007 at 10:45PM
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Thanks so much, what great advise, that I will most definitely follow. You know the worst part, my DH is not well himself. I am in the process of making him go in the hospital for his heart. He had a heart attack last Aug. had a stent put in, the Dr. said there was more blockage that will need attention soon. Soon is now!
I could and would love to go on, but do not want to bore everyone. Thanks again, do appreciate it, CC

    Bookmark   November 20, 2007 at 8:42AM
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Connie Kru

You will not bore us--I can't tell you how much this forum helped me during the 5 years that I had my MIL.
That I can now listen or give a helpful suggestions is something that I think any of us who have been there are more than willing and happy to do.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2007 at 7:03PM
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Thank you Connie. I would imagine it was a very difficult 5 years, yes?

    Bookmark   November 21, 2007 at 1:37PM
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Connie Kru

Yes, well almost 5.
We had to move her from another state, and remove her from all her friends. You have to realize how hard it is on them, but when the time is right, you will know it is and you step up and do things that you could never imagine that you would do, if you are going to be the CAREGIVER.
If I had looked forward and seen what I was going to be doing-I would have said_NO WAY- but looking back at it now-Most rewarding experience I have ever had.
My hubby is also an only.
I looked at your MY PAGE and you share a birthday with my oldest son.
Happy Thanksgiving

    Bookmark   November 21, 2007 at 3:42PM
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Hello, Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. Your son must be a really good person, lol.
It is a busy time for me my youngest daughter's birthday was the 24th & my son's is today, actually. We celebrated all weekend!

I had my mil here on Thanksgiving, whew! No one wanted to drive and bring her here, so guess who did, yup, me. And brought her home, did not want her to stay. I thought about having her live with us, but I don't think I can do it. We never got along, she doesn't think much of me, only her son. And to be honest , I have had it with people "needing" me. I want my freedom, is that selfish? I warned you that I could go on and on, and I thank you for listening.
Hopefully I will ttys, take care. CC

    Bookmark   November 26, 2007 at 9:40AM
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LUVSMYPETS -- you could be my sister ! ( screen name & all )

"I have had it with people "needing" me. I want my freedom, is that selfish?"

If I had a nickle for everytime I said that - I'd buy everyone here lunch. I'm going through something similar ..... I'm too new at this to offer advice , but
I can tell you what having my 91 year old FIL here has done to me. It's robbed me of my freedom ,my privacy , my sanity & my backbone. I've become everyone's doormat. If I had it to do over and know what I know now ..... I would have said NO from the start.

(((((((((((((( Luvsmypets))))))))))))

    Bookmark   November 26, 2007 at 10:22AM
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I mostly lurk here but had to pop in to say THANK YOU or saying out loud what I think every day. I want my life back. I want to have a life. I would just like to go grocery shopping and not be in a rush or have someone call me to tell me the latest problems.

At this point in my life I really thought I would have time for doing something I wanted to do but I cant even keep up with the normal house hold stuff.

My mother passed away 4 years ago. I miss her so much but every day I think about what my father must have put her through. He is now 87, living alone, in pretty good health and driving me nuts.

I know I have it pretty good compared to some of you but I could really use some time for myself and boy it's not going to happen any time soon.

I hired a house keeper for him, he cooks and even learned to do the laundry. I take care of all his financial issues with him. It would be so much easier if he would just let me do it but he wants to be in control. I get phone calls every day all day about banking, leases, every kind of insurance you can think of, attorneys, accountants. He is the only reason I have a fax machine. If I was doing this for anyone else I would be making a big pay check. I quit working 25 years ago. Money is not an issue, he has enough, I have enough and would gladly pay for someone else to do all of this.

This really sound like a rant and I guess it is. So far this month I have spent more time with my father than I have with my DH. DH is going to retire soon and I was really hoping we could travel but I don't see that in our future. And yes I have siblings but dad doesn't trust them. All they ever want from him is money and they blame me when he wont give them any. I finally stopped taking calls from them. I have nightmares about what will happen if he ever gets really sick and I don't want to even think about settling the estate. The vultures are circling and I am the target.

I am totally estranged from all my family, except my daughter and grandson, due to the issues with dads money and I never in my dreams thought I would end up like this. Alone and the bad guy because I am the only one who takes care of him and the only one that doesn't want the money.

I love my dad but...........................

    Bookmark   November 27, 2007 at 1:43AM
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I guess it just really never ends. We are "care givers" never ever to be care takers. It sucks that you are the only one. Your siblings really need to get involved now and help out. Do they realize the estate will be divided?
I feel for you and everyone here, hang in there and good luck. My sister and I have made up a day for us it is called "someday." I cannot wait for someday to have a life.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2007 at 8:53AM
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