What's wrong with me??!!
My Mom is failing quickly. Her usual pattern is a quick bounce back from a downturn; so much so that we have taken to calling her YoYo Ma. But Thursday night was different, and somehow I knew this was not going to magically turn around like all the other times. She is not able to speak, she looks at the people around her without recognition, she is restless and searching, but no one knows what she is reaching out for. Her hands are constantly in motion over the bedcovers, and she reacts to any noise or touch with that startled response you often see in infants. And I am not crying! I am not sitting heartbroken by the bed! my dd's and grandkids are teary-eyed, hugging me and each other and speaking in hushed tones, and I see her CNA's shed a tear as they help her. AND I SIT THERE LIKE A STONE! I am looking at everything, I am aware of the situation, but it is not touching me. Am I the worst daughter in the world?? I can't think of anything to say to her, I only kiss her or touch her hand when I come into the room, or when I leave, and that causes the jerk-start reaction, and the look that doesn't really see me. Here it is almost 8am, and I am still at home, still in my PJ's, and I should already be there, but I'm not. Why am I so unfeeling? My DH put his arms around me and cried last night as we were laying in bed, and I couldn't even react to that! I just hugged him and said sshh, sshh everything will be alright....what's wrong with me???