Will these people EVER straighten up?

worksalotOctober 16, 2007

I am the caregiver for my 82 yo mother who lives 110 miles from me. I have been doing this for about 10 years. She has parkinsons, spinosis, depression, frequent bladder infections, walks with a walker and has a few other more minor ailments. She receives meals on wheels and has 2 to 3 hours of home health care every weekday. She is mentally sharp. She stays with me about 1 week every month. Sometimes because she is not feeling well and wants me to take her to doctors and sometimes just because she needs a change of scenery and or is feeling lonely. (My Dad passed a couple of years ago.) I took both of them to the dr and helped them in other ways before Dad died. I don't mind doing all this, but at times it is a struggle because I live over 2 hours drive from her and I have a full time job, husband that I adore, and adult children and grandchildren that I also love to visit. I also live on a farm (add in more work, etc, etc.) If you want to get something done ask a busy person to do it!! Now for the problem. I have a brother that lives about an hour from my mother and a sister that lives across country. They do nothing for her and I don't really ask them to and neither does mom. Through the years we made a few attempts to get my brother to help (sister always to far away) but he always had an excuse. He has to make a living. Hey, I have a job too! My brother visits her about 3 times a year for a few hours. (Although he drives right past her place a few times a month.) I haven't seen him in 2 years. My sister comes back about every 2 years for a couple of days each time. I do not understand why my brother and sister hardly speak to me. They almost seem jealous, but it really hurts the way they treat me. My sister seems to not really care for me to visit her at mom's but she does want my brother to visit and he does. By the way, Mom does not favor me and goes all out (with what little she is able to do) when they visit. My brother has never told me thank you for helping my mom. My sister said thanks one time. On the day of my dad's funeral because I had stayed in his nursing home room with him alone the night he died.

Finally the question. Will these people ever straighten up and fly right or am I destined to be the outcast of the family forever even though I do all the WORK!!HELP!!

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I don't think it's a case of you being an outcast. It's more like they just don't care.

No, I don't think they will ever "straighten up and fly right." They would have already done that if they felt like it.

You are doing such a great job. Don't let your siblings drag you down. Ignore them.

Is there any way that your mother might be able to move into an assisted living home? That might be a good choice for someone that has as many health problems as she does.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2007 at 10:38AM
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No, they won't. You're on your own. And your mom's very lucky to have you.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2007 at 10:48AM
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Thank you so much agnespuffin and aslo for your replies. It helps to just have someone to vent with that understands. Yes, my mom does belong in assisted living probably. The problem is that it would be so much handier for me if the assisted living was near me. Where she lives now is her hometown where she has lived all her life. There are friends that call on her from time to time and she really enjoys them. Also, she would probably not ever see my bro and sis again as they would not drive the extra distance to see her. She has a good time with them when they do visit. So I don't think she would feel comfortable moving here and why should she when I have been willing to do all the drivng, to this point. Yes, my bro and sis are beginning to drag me down!

    Bookmark   October 17, 2007 at 12:18PM
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unforturnately, your situation is common. As your mom ages futher, you may be compelled to require their assistance financially, if not practically, but from what you described they're happy to leave the burden where it is for now.

For the days ahead, do you have documents in-hand that will allow you to act as you may need to? Talking about 1) health-care power of attorney 2) durable general power of attorney 3) living will (and maybe DNR document) 4) Will. Inasmuch as you'll surely be the one in charge when the time comes, you should have these ready to go. If you don't have them, I strongly encourage you to obtain them. The process itself may (or may not) wake up your siblings. End times come eventually for everyone. These are very practical considerations that should be undertaken diligently. You don't want to be left scrambling when the time for action is at hand.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2007 at 4:47PM
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PS to previous....I also encourage you to keep a stash of currency on-hand...maybe $500.00 -- $1,000.00. When things go bad and everything's in a rush, I've found raw currency can make things happen that nothing else will.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2007 at 4:52PM
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1) & 2) are taken care of. We had those papers signed when my Dad was ill. However, nothing on 3) & 4). I have already contributed financially to my mothers care and my bro and sis know this, but they have not offered up any money yet. Don't think they will ever, although they can afford it as easily as I can.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2007 at 5:29PM
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