Today was the worst it's been

mikeandbarbOctober 27, 2008

Well, I don't know what's going to happen now. Today I had to go to the AL for Visiting angles to check dad out to see if they will be able to take him to his doctor visit's. They didn't make it out first of all.

Then dad got upset, I sat in his room for just a few minutes and all he had to say was how bad it is in there. I excused myself telling him I had to go talk to the nurse and find out something's. So I went up to the office and talked to the head person for a few minutes then went to talk to the nurse. While I was talking to the nurse dad came up there and started yelling and saying he needed to go to the hospital ...he does this every week...He start cussing and yelling at the nurse when she told him to go to the nurses station so she could check him out and he told her you don't do anything and you don't help me out at all.

I made my exist ASAP got lucky someone else was leaving so I slipped out with them. I came home ate lunch and then had to make a run to the post office and then treated myself to some plants. So I came home and dug in to some gardening to get my mind off dad.

I feel like I will never be able to see my dad without him having a fit, it's one thing when he complains but when he's throwing a fit I can't handle it. Maybe they'll put him on something.


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Oh Barb.. You did the RIGHT THING!!! Keep telling yourself he's like a little kid.. They throw a temper tantrums in order to get attention.. By walking out it shows that you WON'T tolerate the behavior.. Besides the AL gets paid the big $'s to deal with him NOT you..

I know it's disturbing to you but by walking away & doing something for YOU is gonna help make this long journey ahead of you a lot easier.

He will have fits some days & others he'll be meek as a lamb. It's part of the disease & probably their personality..

Hang in there & keep posting/venting..

Sending you cyber hugs..
Been there done that twice..

    Bookmark   October 27, 2008 at 8:44PM
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OMG, Twice pogo bless your heart. My grandmother had dementia but my uncle took care of her so she got to stay at home. Grandmother use to throw her medicine in the trash and my uncle would tell her that the trash can doesn't have high blood pressure LOL.

Problem with dad is that he does have problems with his health big he hollers wolf a lot too. I fear that he really will have something wrong one day and no one will know if it's for really or not.

I've been venting a lot since dad's been in the AL home to the point I feel embarrassed but it sure helps me to get it off my chest.

Thanks Barb

    Bookmark   October 27, 2008 at 9:27PM
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I'm having another sleepless night and just read your post. Ogoopogo is right. You did the right thing by just leaving when he started having a fit. For your sake and his. He needs to know that you will not tolerate that kind of behavior.

Don't worry about the day when he actually has a serious medical situation. If it takes the staff longer to determine that he really needs help because of his constant crying wolf, so be it. They'll do their best to take care of him, but they're not God, all-knowing. You've done your best too.

Think of it this way: Even if your dad was the most cooperative person in the world, caregivers might not know something serious was going on until some very obvious symptoms appeared. Elderly suffering from dementia aren't able to adequately express themselves or describe their physical problems & symptoms. Sometimes the dementia even makes them unaware of anything happening to them. (For example, my mother has stopped complaining about her painful knees. I know the pain hasn't disappeared. It's just that her dementia has progressed to the point that she doesn't seem to notice it anymore.)

You also did the right thing by treating yourself to something you enjoy. Digging in the dirt is good for you physically & emotionally.

Can you talk with the staff about requesting a calming medication for your dad? Good luck with the Visiting Angels. I hope they come through for you. I think you should steer clear of even attempting to take your dad to a doctor visit.

    Bookmark   October 28, 2008 at 5:22AM
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Hey Barb, you did good! Glad to see you treated yourself too, sometimes we caregivers forget about us! Don't worry about the "crying wolf" part, if the place he is in has qualified caregivers then they have "been there, done that" and know what to look for, when it's real and when it's fake.

    Bookmark   October 28, 2008 at 12:57PM
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Thank you Linda, How are you doing? How's your family doing?

Today DH and I went to the store and actually bought groceries. We've eaten out so much that we're sick of it and I'm ready to have OUR LIFE BACK. We don't have that many years to enjoy each other, 20 years can go by so fast when you look back at it ..I'll be 72 then and I would like for us to have a life that we haven't had in the nine years we've been together. There's already so many thing's I can't do that I don't know how it will be in another 5 years. I can't ride in a car for more than an hour without it messing up my back.
We've dealt with sick parents, kids on drugs, baling kids out of there messes, taking care of grand kids. Now it's OUR TIME.
I'll do my part in caring for my dad but I'm going to set it up so that DH and I can take a vacation next year and now worry about anything or anyone else for a change.

I've got to go see my doctor about my corporal tunnel, it's been waking me up at night and I can only sleep on my side.

Hug's back to you all too, Barbara

    Bookmark   October 28, 2008 at 2:08PM
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I am doing pretty good, went to the doctor for a check up and all test came back good except for Cholesterol, which is a little high but not enough for drugs. However I am a smoker and of course that plays in to the I am going to give yet another try at quitting, I have failed many times so I figure one of these times I have to succeed, LOL!
My mom is doing okay, she is not nagging me as much, still cries at times about wanting to come home but she knows she can't............
My brother is doing much better since I got him moved to the same home as mom, not because my mom is there but because he gets much better care and attention.
My dad is holding his own, he goes to "daddy day care" and is actually enjoying it.
We usually go see my mom and brother twice a week but some weeks it's only once. I am helping mom host a "ladies day" for 4 of her friends at the home. We reserved the private dining room and will just have "junk" food, like my onion dip, hot crab spread, chicken salad with cranberries, spiced pecan pumpkin muffins and of course there will be chocolate! LOL! I even made invitations for her to give out. I checked with the Director of Nursing and none of her friends is on any restrictions so all is good to go.
Next I will do something special just for my brother so he does not feel left out.
My gardening days are over until spring so will have to find another outlet for the winter months, not sure what it will be yet.........any suggestions?

    Bookmark   October 28, 2008 at 3:07PM
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Linda, I have a suggestion. Send me the food you're planning on making for your mom's "ladies day." Your menu sounds wonderful! And I didn't notice any real "junk" food on your list. It all sounds like a scrumptious meal. Your mom is very lucky to have you as her personal catering service. What a nice idea! Something so special and out of the ordinary. Good luck with that.

Barbara, you've got the right idea. Take a vacation and enjoy yourselves. Take those precious moments now because you never know what the future may hold. Good luck to you too.

    Bookmark   October 28, 2008 at 3:46PM
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shambo, come on to PA and join us! LOL! I don't mind doing this for my mom because that is what keeps her happy, being special has always been important to her so this will make her shine. BTW, everything I am making is actually easy to make, I am cheating on the muffins and using a mix from Williams-Sonoma.
As for the "junk" food, the chips and dip are junk food, but the ladies all wanted it because they can't get stuff like that at the nursing home!

So Barb, where are you planning on going for vacation? Go some place fun and exotic if you can! How is your DH handling things? Does he understand your stress?
I promised myself that once all is said and done I am going to at least go away for a short period of time, but I hope that trip is a long way off.

    Bookmark   October 28, 2008 at 5:03PM
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Hi Barb,
I was wondering how things are going with your dad, and you too. How is your carpel tunnel? I had it for a while when I was pregnant years ago. The last few years I had shoulder problems that were made worse by the physical things I had to do for mom. I know how it can affect your sleep.

Is your dad adapting or did they have to use meds to help him calm down. My DH's mom had Alzheimer's and while the meds made her somewhat loopy, she was quieter and more compliant. It is so hard to see parents in such conditions. We are to honor our parents, so those of us who care for them in whatever way, know how much it means to be able to do whatever we can. If having him safely in AL is the best way to care for him, then you are honoring him. One can only do what one CAN do.

Your time with your DH is so important. He is the one you spoke your wedding vows to. I know as much as my DH and I want to care for mom the best we can, we still know that our primary responsibility is to each other. Not that we let things slide with her, but we are trying to carve out quality and quantity time with each other as we are able. As you said, your time with your DH is important. Cherish it and him. Our husbands give up a lot when we care for our parents.

Take care...keep us posted,

    Bookmark   November 1, 2008 at 6:15PM
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Hi Terri,

The carpel tunnel is worse and I'm needing to see the doctor but so busy taking care of everyone and everything else. I've been making to do list so that I don't get off track which is so easy to do these day's so I'll put it down to make an appointment on Mondays list.
I don't know just how dad is doing. I missed a call from the nurse yesterday, she'd left a message that she wanted to up date me on his condition. I called and talked to the night nurse and she said she had seen him and he was doing fine, in fact it was time for his medication and if she didn't get it down to him he'd be up there to get it and till her he is having a heart attack. With her saying that tells me a lot. It telling me that he's getting worse in his dementia.
I know there is only so much I can do and might on problems limits me big time. I can't even take care of myself at all times. Just trying to clean my own home can be a big challenge. My family thinks I'm crazy for gardening but they don't realize that is saves my sanity. I love the out doors and I love flowers, my garden isn't the best but it's mine and I enjoy it.

I just found out that my DH's mom has chronic lymphocytic leukemia, she live way out in Ca. she is married so we don't have to rush out there to care for her but it makes it hard that he can't see her more. I was thinking we might make a trip out there this Christmas cause it's been 3 yr's since he's seen her.

Take care, Barb

    Bookmark   November 1, 2008 at 7:36PM
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