Sadden over my dad situation

mikeandbarbSeptember 29, 2008

For those that have read my other post, you know what I've been going through with my dad. I just need to get this off my chest.

I haven't seen my dad for three days since I placed him into the nursing home. They said it's best to let him get situated, settled into the home for two weeks but yet they let him call me the next day and as soon as he heard my voice he started crying and this was very upsetting to me. I called them back telling them how upsetting it was for me.

The very next day they called again and said that my dad wanted to talk to me and I told them that as soon as he hears my voice he'll start crying and they need to help him out with this.

Today I took him a frige and some food for him to have in his room and the person that let my husband carry the stuff in told me Oh your the daughter that the father is crying for.

Needless to say I'm very sad and feeling so bad. I'm trying to be strong, I know he can't live on his on anymore cause he can't retain info on how to take his new medicine for his heart. He had a pacemaker put in two weeks ago and had congestive heart failure four days before that. He's on water pills now.

He would over take his his flowmax thinking it helped him pee.

Life is so cruel. I don't deal with this type of situation well. My nerves don't handle it well, I don't know how I've held myself together this far.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Barb

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mikeandbarb

This was when he was in his 20's. I've got his eyes.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2008 at 8:05PM
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barker_tx

yes, it is sad but if he can't live alone, and he can't live with you what other choice do you have? All you can do 'is the best you can do' - don't beat yourself up over what you can't change.

It is so hard to have our parents live so long that they have so many problems. SOmehow maybe it was better when they only lived to be 70 or so and went pretty quickly with either a heart attack or a stroke.

I am not certain that modern medicine should go 'all out' to keep everyone alive if the quality of their life is so poor and before I upset everyone who disagrees with me, my Mom died a month ago at age 91, totally helpless due to having MS for FIFTY years - I am now dealing with my aging 95 year old Father who has never lived alone in his life, plus my 59 yr old husband who has a particularly bad kind of cancer (along with working full time!)

Yes, when my quality of life is greatly diminished do not do everything possible to keep me alive - let me go gracefully - that is my wish.

Carolyn

    Bookmark   September 29, 2008 at 8:26PM
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mikeandbarb

You said just what I feel and I agree with you Carolyn. It is hard and hurts so much seeing our loved ones going through all the pain and mental stress and it puts us in a prolonged mental stress as well.

If dad hadn't had the pacemaker he might not be here now but it was his choice to have it did. He is scared to die, I know this and I always knew in my heart that he'd be a fighter just like his mom.

Even though I know he's better off in the home it just hurts me so much. Dad was always there for me, he and I have gone through a lot. He helped me raise my kids and if it hadn't been for him I might not have had made it at times.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2008 at 9:59PM
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pfllh

Till the day he died, I called him daddy. When he died, I told my momma that daddys aren't supposed to die.
I think when there is a special relationship between the daughter and father, there are things in life so hard for us to accept especially if it involves our dad.
Mine had to be placed in a nursing home. His mind went back to where he was happiest, riding a horse looking for calves in the canyons that were lost. That makes me smile still. I imagine him in heaven driving God nuts with his oneriness and on a horse. I still miss him and it's been 14 years.
Some people only open their mouth to put their foot in it. She should not have made that remark as it cut deep. Then too maybe she thought it would please you somehow.
I sometimes tell people to take one step at a time, even if baby steps. Sometimes we stumble a bit but just keep going forward and don't look back on what could have been.
Perhaps if there was something you both enjoyed doing together, you could do it again at the nursing home, reading the newspaper, watching a movie or taking a walk. It doesn't matter if he understands the words or the world around him, you are there.
It sounds like he has reversed the roles of where he was the security for you, now you are the security for him. Is there something you can give him to make it feel to him like you are near? Maybe something that represents a nickname for you or something you used to joke about? My dad started liking dogs in the nursing home. I got him both stuffed and statues of dogs. Just give it some thought.
Maybe he has a need for someone to be close by to feel safe. Do you have volunteers that visit the nursing homes? Maybe they could visit him.
I disagree with the 2 week period. I understand his needing to settle in but n his mind all he knows is it's a place not familiar to him and he's alone. If not you, maybe other family members could visit.
Is he on any kind of medicine to help his mind work better. They have come out with new medicines that seem to help. My husband and my mother are on Aricept and it has helped both of them. Of course, sadly not the same outcome for everyone.
Sorry I was so long winded. It just flooded my mind with memories when I read your post. Take care.
Lynn

    Bookmark   September 30, 2008 at 10:41PM
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