dh starts chemo again tomorrow,we're arguing again

suz1023September 14, 2008

i;m so frustrated i could just scream. my husband is a great guy to most,but i don't know for how long i can go on. this round of chemo is supposed to be much easier to tolerate than the last,which was not too bad,he says. he's retired, so money isn't flowing in the way it used to,and i lost my health insurance when he retired. i've spent the last twenty years either caring for the kids,my elderly parents or him,and am now in school working furiousely to create a financial future for myself. partly i'm furious because i finally realised that he has no plan for my future if he predeceases me,,which being older and with health issues he may. how do i reconcile my fear of losing him too soon,remain loving and caring during his illness,and continue to get to class and plan for my future? what has set me off this weekend is he finds nothing positive about my plans for the future---says it's his job to be devils advocate and point out all of the potential ways i could screw up.

i know he is depressed and worried,,i get that,really i do. please,give me some tips to cope when i'm so angry and disapointed in his total lack of support. he hasn't spoken to me in two days because he's angry that i outlined a 'stupid' plan to him,one based on the class work i'm doing and which has a lot of support from my teachers.

i'm not a person who has a lot of intimate friends or family,just my daughter,who understands,but i don't want to continue to burden her with my problems.

thanks for listening. i love him and am scared for him,but honestly,i could strangle him too!

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He is probably angry at you for planning life without him. My husband and I had a friend who's dad died and a few month later the mother died because she lost the will to live and starved herself to death. My husband actually believed it was a good way to show how much she loved her husband.

My sister's neighbor was so angry because he was going to die, he said "if I am going to die, you are too." He then tried his best to strangle her. They took him to the hospital and she never say him again.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2008 at 10:20PM
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Yes Chem treatments are very expensive and hard both on the person and the family. Our cancer center offers a variety help courses. Financial, support groups, monthly meeting, etc. You need outside interests beside school. Sounds like you have been a caretaker alot. What hobbies have you developed, do you belong and participate in any churches, organizations. Even if you took your daughter occasionally to meetings etc that would help. But you and your family must learn to be more positive etc. We have been dealing with cancer for 3 years, now in remission, and I refuse to let it or my family to control me. We work together. I have hobbies, belong to 3 different groups, have offices and keep busy. Yes I get upset and depressed, but not for long. Yes we do things together, and he cannot do much, but what he can do we try to do together, or with other people. We do not let cancer control us.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2008 at 10:36PM
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Understand totally - DH is just finishing up round 3 of chemo in the last 15 months.....and I can't retire because he is too young for Medicare and all his medical costs are being paid by my insurance. He hasn't worked in 18 months and doesn't have any retirement; he did just start getting Social Security disability.

You might find some additional advice on the Well Spous Forum. Carolyn

    Bookmark   September 15, 2008 at 9:21PM
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