Just need to vent

lindajewellSeptember 7, 2008

My mom is in a state of constant complaining. Every time I call her, or go to visit she complains about the aides not doing what she wants. Tells me I am no help but when I ask what I can do to help she can not answer. I know my mom and I truly believe she is complaining so much thinking I will just bring her home.........that is NOT going to happen. As I have stated before my mom can be very demanding and I know I would loose total control if I had her here 24/7, even if I hired help in.

She told me today that I finally "got rid of her".........I asked her if she thought it was my fault she had a stroke. She did not answer but ya know, I think she is trying to figure a way to blame someone for what happened to her. She has always been able to blame others for all that has happened in her life. This time she can't.

Mom then said she did not want to be in the nursing home, I said I could understand but went on to say that "Jack" (my brother, her son) does not want to be there either. Her response? "I don't care about what he wants".......

I then ended the conversation, if I was going to bring anyone home it would be my brother as he is a little more functional than her and certainly not as demanding.

Okay, I am done with my vent........thanks, I just needed to get all this out!

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All you can do is ignore it, maybe say something like "no one wants to be here". Tell her you will be here one day if you're lucky enough to live long enough to need one. It will probably be the same every time you go, no matter what you say to her.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2008 at 7:38PM
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Go ahead and vent. You've earned the right; you have a lot of people depending on you. As far as her not wanting to be in a nursing home, your response about your brother is perfect. I'm sure he'd rather have a healthy body and be living on his own. I'm sure you'd rather not have such serious responsibilities. We've all found ourselves in situations we'd rather not be in. So, as Star suggested, just ignore her. Let her spew and then either change the subject or leave. Don't bother trying to reason with her. I know it's hard to listen to the same whining over & over again. I think you're right and she's just trying to wear you down so you'll bring her back home. That's why it's probably best if you don't respond to her complaints. Good luck. I can only imagine how rough this is for you.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2008 at 8:20PM
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I think that sometimes it's almost like a bad habit. They are in the habit of complaining. Age makes it worse.

Vent away and ignore us if we say things that sound as if we don't know what we are talking about.....sometimes, we really don't, but we mean well.

Take care of yourself

    Bookmark   September 7, 2008 at 10:18PM
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Linda, just a thought. What doctor recommended the NH? Does she like and trust that doctor? If so----
Mother, Dr. _____ is concerned about you and wants you to have the best of care. Here they have the nurses and equipment he feels you need. I want that for you too. There's nothing else to disuss.
Then just say you have to go and let her think about it.
It may not work but then it might knowing a rofessional said it's what she needs. OR when I was growing up and kept saying "I want". Momma never cussed so it reall got my attention. She would answer me after saying no a few times, "well people in H__ want ice water but that doesn't mean they're going to get it"!!!! Sure got my attention and I didn't ask again.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2008 at 6:04PM
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Boy, can I relate to a parent complaining. My dad get's a gold star for his complaints.
It is wonderful that we have this place to come and just vent when needed. I know my faimly get's sick of hearing me tell of my problems with my dad. DH has turned a deaf ear to it LOL. He lets me ramble bless his heart.
Hope your feeling better.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2008 at 9:07PM
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Hi Linda.

Your mom sounds just like mine. It's so difficult to listen to the complaints because they NEVER STOP. And the funny thing is that if you brought her to your home to live, she would still complain about everything. Just like you asked your mom about her stroke, I also asked mine if I was the one who made her smoke for 50 years. My mom flat out refused to take any responsibility for her emphysema.

It's amazing to me what my mom would do and say to manipulate me, which as you know, your mom is trying to do to you. Here's a few examples of things mine did (not to hijack this, but just so you won't feel alone): I'd ask her to prepare a grocery list for me because I planned to shop for her first thing. I'd get to the house - no list. She'd say "you won't be able to read my writing". I'm sure she was depressed and didn't want to put forth the effort, so I'd have to figure out what she needed, read her my list, then ask if she wanted anything else. I'd come home from the store and try to get her involved in putting the stuff away - she refused. She wanted bananas, but wouldn't peel them. I had to peel them for her, break them in half, individually wrap them and freeze them for her - but it was after I'd go home that she would call because "I forgot" Q-tips or something bizarre like that. It happened almost every week just to keep me coming back. She wanted a quart of milk in a plastic jug with a handle. She said the half gallons were too heavy. I went to seven stores looking for her special milk container, found it and she stated that she hated that particular brand of milk!! I couldn't win for losing. And at one point she called me "worthless"!

And here's one for a laugh. She found an old can of some off the wall brand of men's aerosol deodorant that was hidden away in my late dad's bathroom. It was empty and she wanted it replaced. I let her know that I would look for it, and I believed that they no longer made it. I also told her that I might have to get a roll on like she used all of her life. I made an honest attempt to find what she wanted, but ended up getting her what she used all of her life. She took one look at it and said the Secret would never fit beneath her arm and I had to return it!!!! I felt like I was trying to placate a preschooler :o(

Anyway I hope reading this makes you feel not so alone. Hang in there because that's all you can do. (((hugs)))-Geri

    Bookmark   September 16, 2008 at 1:09PM
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