I got the call
The nursing home called; they have a room available for mom. I have 24 hours to make my decision. The room will be available in about a week.
I have been struggling with this for several weeks, since I visited some facilities and filled out the admissions form...when is the right time. I have felt so guilty even thinking about placing her, even though a lot of you have helped me so much, sharing your experiences and knowledge and I do realize that there probably isn't a "right" time. I'm never going to get it perfect. I think what I've been trying to avoid is that period of adjustment for her, and quite honestly, me having to go through it with her. I know there's no avoiding it, no sense putting it off.
What I found so strange is the night before last, I put mom to bed and went outside to have my nightly smoke and talk with God and my dad (dad died 41 years ago)...I'm not a religious person, but since mom's been with me I do this...I guess I'm looking for some guidance. In any case, there I was asking them to help me make a decision, to somehow let me know that what I'm planning to do is the right thing. Yesterday, I was in my office working, bent over to pick up a pen and my back went out...pain like I've never had before, although I've had back problems for years. So I manage to crawl into bed after taking musle relaxers and pain meds and while floating thru the afternoon, I realize that maybe I'm getting my message from God, maybe he's telling me it's time, you can't do this anymore. Then today, I get a call from the nursing home telling me a room is available...
I have made my decision. I know in my heart that she will receive the care she needs there and that I can't do this any longer...I'm just praying now for the strength to go through with this...I just needed to share this with all of you,