Anybody else terrified that they are becoming their mother?

c9pilotJuly 8, 2008

Once in a while I feel bad about how I handled a situation with my sons and I realize that it's how my mom did it. I might raise my voice in that particular guilt-imposing you-can't-do-anything-right way over something minor or just get mad and "never mind I'll do it myself" over a chore done sloppily.

Now that she's living with us, she has the occasional outburst and my stomach churns into knots like it did when I was a kid. She has a particular screech that just makes all the hair on my body stand up.

I am truly terrified that I might turn into her. How do I know that I'm not?

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I will never be good enough for that, she was a very good Mom.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2008 at 7:51PM
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I know what you mean. I find myself giving opinions or advice to my grown children and then suddenly realizing that I sound just like my own mom did. I chuckle at something absentmindedly and realize it sounds like the mindless giggles my mom now makes for no reason at all (she suffers from dementia).

However, I don't think it's an unusual phenomena. My husband says he catches himself saying things his dad used to say, without even being aware of what he's doing. My 28 year old daughter says that she sometimes discovers herself sounding just like me. Poor thing!

I don't think we can escape being influenced by our parents, but our experiences are different. We'll never be exactly like them. Some parents set a good example of what we should be like. Others set an example of what we don't want to be like.

I can sympathize with you about your mom's screeching. My dad had a way of being super self righteous, judgmental, & preachy that would reduce me to a little whimpering child -- even when I was in my 40s, married with children, and a junior high school teacher. Verbal abuse really does take its toll.

Don't give up. I'm sure you recognizing what you find distasteful in her personality will help you avoid giving into those traits yourself.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2008 at 8:19PM
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Use them as an example of what you DON'T want to be. There was much that was good in my mom, and many things that were bad. I focus on thanking her mentally for the good things, and reminding myself to avoid the bad traits.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2008 at 12:30PM
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Yes, I have picked up good habits and not so good. Most of the time I will notice it but sometimes not. I see in my kids they have some of my qualities that aren't that good either.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2008 at 6:03PM
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