Mother is slowing down
Today was different, because I didn't go over there until about noon, and only stayed until 4. I stayed home and did laundry, paid bills, watered plants and played with the puppy.
When I got to the nursing home, she'd been up and in the wheelchair for a couple of hours, before lunch, and had been having dizzy spells. She ate a few bites of her lunch and then wanted to get back to bed.
We are talking, finally, about her dying. She hates where she is, but I am gathering my own nerve to tell her that she's stuck, and she won't make it back to her pretty apartment with a view. There is no way without full time nursing care.
She is wilting daily before my eyes.
Tomorrow I promise that I will tell her that if she wants to hasten her death, she can refuse to eat. That much is in her own hands. So far I have played along and urged her to eat as much as possible (she's 80 pounds, remember) with the lure that she has to get strong in order to go home.
I need to stop doing that. But it's hard to do. How do you tell someone that they can die on their own terms, not eating or whatever, and fade away?
I suspect that she knows already.
The question learned from this story.... would you rather be fully mentally aware and not in control of your life at age 95, or would you rather be suffering from memory loss and related problems? End of life issues are not what I had ever imagined before I faced this.