micheleg34June 10, 2007

I am a 35 yr old wife and mother living in ohio. My mother moved in with us 6 weeks ago. She has diabetes, rectal cancer, fibromyalgia, and schizophrenia. After six weeks of living with her, I know this is not going to work. A little background info... My mother didn't raise me, my grandparents and the state did. When I was 13 she decided to take me from my grandparents home and within 2 years the state took me because she was leaving me home alone while she was in mental hospitals for 30 days at a time or more. Now I am an adult, and I try to think I am over all that. She is my mother and she needs me. She lived 3 hours away from me, and was not getting the proper care. The caregiver the state provided her was stealing from her, and her doctors were, I thought, not doing all they could for her. I hated it that when she had surgery or appointments, I couldn't be there. So I convinced her to move here. I thought she would be here a couple of weeks and then have her own apartment (she applied to this place a few weeks before moving in), I thought I could help take care of her. So I moved her in (temporarily i thought) with me.

Now I am completely overwhelmed. My husband works seven days a week anyway to make ends meet. I stay home to take care of my family (we have three teenagers, a cat, a dog, and mom). The first two weeks she was here, I tried to keep the house clean, then I just gave up. She brought everything she owned with her, and she goes through box after box of her stuff, handing me things "for us to use". I have a huge farm house, but because of this, i am out of room! She drags everything out of her box, and then gets too tired to clean it up! She was supposed to be sleeping in an upstairs room, but "her legs won't let her go up those stairs". We don't have any bedrooms she can use downstairs, so she sleeps on the sofa. She sleeps all day and is up all night! She won't listen to a word I say, contributes very little to the household financailly, and now has started thinking she can discipline MY CHILDREN! My husband is having panic attacks because there isn't enough money to pay the bills now, and he doesn't want to come home because she gets on his nerves so bad. She makes mess after mess and leaves it for us to clean. (for example, we went away to a wedding yesterday, and when we got home she had made "dog treats" which she didn't make correctly and they fell apart... she left the kitchen a complete mess, and i just got it cleaned up this afternoon)... when anyone is doing anything besides paying attention to her, she finds a way to get their attention. if i am on my pc, every 15-20 minutes i hear "Michele, when you get a break can you come here?" she's in the next room, and could easily just say what she needs, but I have to come in there, sit down with her, and have a conversation about whatever inane thing she decided she needs to talk about! I know that sounds cruel, but i'm at the end of my rope right now! i would have her put in a home, but they say she is competant. And she is! she just has this desperate need for attention! She makes her physical problems out to be alot worse than they are, just to get people to feel sorry for her. i have gotten to the point i have just shut down, and now stay on my pc 24/7 just trying to escape. The house could fall down around me and i really wouldn't care. I can't confront her about anything, because she starts crying and saying things like she will just move into a homeless shelter! I've had it and don't know what to do!

Sorry, I just had to get it out.... There really isn't anyone I can talk to about all this.

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Welcome to this forum. The people here have been through a variety of experiences caring for their loved ones, so they have a lot of good advice & wisdom to share. I'm sure some of the knowledgeable members can give you some really good advice and steer you in the right direction for getting help with your situation.

All I can say is that at 35, you're awfully young to be taking on this kind of additional responsibility. You've got a hard working husband and children to consider. I hope you can come up with a more reasonable alternative than keeping your mother in the home with you.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2007 at 3:34PM
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start with your city government, then county, then state. Find some agency (they have different names from city to city) that has some connection with mental health issues, severe medical problems. It sounds as though your mother should not be living on her own in the first place.
Keep going 'up the chain' until you find someone who can help you with placing here in an adult only apartment, nursing home, hospice care, etc. There is a ton of info out there but sometimes it is very hard to locate just need to keep calling, when the person you are talking to says they can't help you, ask them who you should call. Keep a list of every number you call, the name of the agency, the name of the person you talked with, who they referred you to.

We might be able to help more if we knew what state you are in.


    Bookmark   June 10, 2007 at 6:48PM
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Remember that it is important to place your husband and children's needs FIRST. And they need their wife and mother. It's very important that you do not wear yourself out tending your mother. Care for yourself. Your family needs you.

There should be some sort of State funding for your mother so that she could live in some sort of group home. Is she old enough to receive Social Security payments?

    Bookmark   June 10, 2007 at 10:39PM
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I guess I forgot to mention I'm in Ohio.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2007 at 1:01PM
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Bless your heart Dear!

You should definately seek State Agency Help immediately.

You don't deserve the "Head Trip" your Mother is dishing out.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2007 at 8:23AM
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Dear Michele,

Sometimes we need to harden our hearts a little bit against the manipulative parent, and then refuse to feel guilty about it. I truly believe that if you help your mother get a referral to the appropriate agency that can get her properly situated, and then go visit her and check on her when you can, that's about all you owe her at this point.

Whether it was her fault or not, your mother did not give you a proper life when you were a child. Even though you're now 35 years old, you have not gotten over it (unless you've had a whole lot of really good therapy!). It's tempting to think that you can fix the relationship with your mother by turning around and taking care of her now but as you are finding out, it doesn't work that way.

Please take care of yourself and your family first. You're young, you deserve a good life doing things you want to do. You aren't having that now. Your mother can receive good care elsewhere, and you'll have a chance to feel good about whatever you did to help her get there.

Now, as others have advised, get on that phone and start asking questions and taking down numbers! And don't feel guilty about it!

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2007 at 7:44PM
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