Mom in our home - really difficult
I just discovered this site and I am so happy to learn that others are willing to talk about their situation. What a community this is!
Two years ago, we moved my mother-in-law in with us. We converted our family room into a bedroom for her. Its right next to the kitchen. Also added a bathroom for her. She is now 96+. She has dementia but not too bad. She knows us. Her grandchildren, she refers to as her friends. But she often forgets that they are her grandchildren.
I have two problems that I would like some help with.
1. She is somewhat incontinent and REFUSES to wear underwear. She has a bad arm and complains that she can not pull them up or down. I am at work in the day but we have hired a home health aid (paying for it all ourselves - she has no money) but she will not let the aid put them on her. The carpet in her room is ruined. This is a woman who was so fastidious (actually obsessive/compulsive!) that she used to bathe 2 times a day. Now she also refuses a shower. The home health aid gives her a sponge bath. Any thoughts on how to do deal with the incontinence issue?
2. How can we get a break? We know there is a respite program at a nursing home but she is terrified of that. She says "they rape the old ladies there." My adult children have given us a weekend respite here or there but we feel like we need more. Does anyone have any thoughts on that?