Looking for advice to help my Mom, the caregiver
Hello All -- I'm posting in hopes of getting some advice on helping my mom.
Mom is the middle child of 3 and is currently caring for my grandma who is 85.
Grandma was diagnosed with Parkinson's. She became very ill last year and was told she could no longer live on her own. She was living in a retirement 'apartment' community-- no assisting or anything like that, just an apartment for retirement age people. She was paying over $1000/month.
The decision was made that she would move in with my mom and the siblings both promised to help out knowing this would be a challenge because 1. Grandma is not a nice person 2. All of the dr visits, physical therapy etc take a lot of time. So far, in a year, neither sibling has come forward to help and if my mom asks them to help they say they are busy that day etc. One sibling has never been to the house to visit and the other has only come over a handful of times in one year. But here is the kicker... They complain about everything my mom is doing.
At first my mom was very helpful and basically tried to do everything for grandma but grandma being so private and independent she stated she didn't need the help and to stop hovering. So mom backed off and kept a very close eye from a distance. We all know that grandma is just suffering from losing her independence. She cannot drive, she cannot walk without a walker, she cannot pour a drink, she cannot carry her plate to the table so she is rightfully frustrated at her situation but takes it out on my mom. Mom has been (in my opinion) extremely patient and generous but grandma says 'she is MEAN'.
The dr's have told my mom that parkinson's effects a persons behavior. People tend to get meaner and even more 'ungrateful' as time goes on.
My mom has talked to grandma about going to an assisted living facility but knows grandma can't afford it. She does own a home and land but has already given it to a sibling as what they are getting from her when she dies. The other two get what is left of the bank account. My mom has tried talking grandma in to selling the land because that would give her enough money to live in a nice place for another 15 years. But grandma won't sell she just wants to complain.
Mom has no help from her siblings. My siblings and I help every week. I go on the weekends and my sister goes several times during the week but then my grandma says no one comes to see her or to help her.
She has basically alienated us all because she says very mean things. She does not like our kids to come over because they are 'too loud' so sometimes my mom feels like she can't even see her own grandchildren. Grandma has apparently decided she doesn't like my dad all of a sudden and talks very ugly about him which hurts my mom.
She yells and screams at my mom and then locks herself in her room for days only coming out to go to the bathroom or get something to eat.
My mom will try to make peace and attempt to get grandma up and dressed but then she calls everyone and says mom is being mean and won't let her sleep.
Then my mom's siblings who never come around, don't help and won't lift a finger to give mom a break, call and tell my mom everything she is doing wrong and how they would do it if they were the ones caring for her. When she says 'well then please come get her' they say well I have a life and I work blah blah.
Mom feels trapped (she has not said this but I can tell she is feeling it) because her siblings talked her in to taking their mother and made all these promises and then have continued living their lives and never even call to say, how is it going? It's always just accusation.
How can I help my mom? How can I be there for her and to help her get through this time? I know she is probably going to have nothing but bad memories of my grandma because she will care for her for however longer and all the good memories will be drowned by so many years of bad...
Because my grandma has decided she doesn't like me either... I'm a selfish brat and my mom does too much for me.... And she dislikes my kids, I've gotten to where it is very difficult to be around her but I try to remember that my mom lives this day in and day out so I still go over and sit with her and try to find something to talk about.
My dad says he is worried about mom because she is verbally abused daily and doesn't stand up for herself. I've asked my mom why she doesn't stand up to her own mother and explain herself and she says because she won't hear me and I don't want to fight.
So ... What can I do for my mom? Any advice?