New Here...Need to Vent

sajzJune 18, 2005

I just found this site...after lurking in the lawn forum,getting weed killer advice:)

These past weeks have just been overwhelming. I am so nervous and angry.

Brief descrpt: I am currently taking care of my mother, by myself, and have a brother and sister who live in the area but want no involvment("too busy" is the excuse. Yet they seem to find the time to socialize, vacation, pursue hobbies). There is no reasoning with them. I've heard it said that you find out who is really there for you when you're down. Not only are they not helping out in any way, they are destructive people. My sister loves seeing me miserable. I assume she feels the same way about our mom.

What's really hard is that I did not see this coming. I had no idea that my sister could be this cruel ... didn't know she had it in her. I know my brother has his issues, but I thought he would see how difficult things are and maybe get involved somehow.

And then there's my mom. I can't get into what her problems are and why she needs care. What I can't take is her anger. She's been forced to face up to the realities of her life, the most difficult being that her kids are basically rotten people. It's eating away at her, and because I 'm living with her I get to bear the brunt of her moods, her unhappiness, her physical pain.

I am trying to be compassionate...the woman had a 13hr spinal reconstructive surgery, and she is in constant pain. It's too soon to know if the surgery been effective in lessening her pain (her first surgery was botched and therfore failed, causing her to have more pain than before the surgery, hence the need for #2).

oh well. It's 4 AM. Busy day tomorrow(well, today). And the day after, and the day after that, and the next day..........

Thanks to whomever started this forum. I needed this...much better than journaling!

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Welcome....this is the place for you! We are experts at "venting"...and it really does make you feel better fora while. Lots of us have had or have currently "apples put of that basket" as far as non-helping FMs go. I guess it is a little less distressing if they are far away and have little contact. When they are close and life is rosy for them, it just rubs salt in the wound. Have you all had afamily discussion about the issue of your Mom's care? Sometimes that helps. I am sure chronic neuropathic pain will turn a person into a handful. You have my empathy. Stay around, others will have more advice, I feel certain. Derry

    Bookmark   June 18, 2005 at 10:48AM
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Hello, Sajz...sorry for your predicament and venting is what all of us have done at one time or another (or more!;-)

Does your Mother live with you and your family, or is she on her own? Either way, you really must get some help. I see that you're in the U.S., and things are different there than in Canada, but lots of gals here have suggested organizations there that provide help for the elderly or infirm. I'm sure someone will give you those names....

That's your first priority. How old is your Mother? Do you have Power of Attorney for her health and finances? Seems like there'll be a lot of people jumping onto the band wagon if things ever get worse for her, esp with regard to financial issues. Has your Mother prepared a "living will" type of form with regards to how much assistance she is willing to accept if she gets very ill? ie: life-support, yes or no?

As far as relatives go.....that's part and parcel of what we've all gone thru. We had my Mother living with us for 12 years, (she's recently moved to a nursing home here) and you'd think that ONCE at least, my brother and his family would say.."Hey! Take a weekend/week(s)off for a break, and we'll come into town and look after her!" Uh...nope, nada, not once. THEY'RE too busy having vacations, working, curling, golfing to ever have spared a thought for us, esp in Mom's later years when she needed constant care. Point is what it is. Get help elsewhere (we did), get the POW papers done so that it'll be clear to EVERYONE what she wants, and do only what you can without sacrificing your own health/sanity and family time with your own family.
Maybe a retirement or nursing home would be more suitable for her if she can't look after herself or needs increased medical attention.

PLEASE don't sacrifice yourself and your health and your sanity: I can't stress this enough! This is so important.

Vent anytime, or just ask away!!

    Bookmark   June 18, 2005 at 11:20AM
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As the girls said, come often and vent all you want. I have been coming here since 1996 and believe me I have vented!!
What Linda said is really important, get the power of attorney, get a Medical power of attorney (some states require this) and a Living Will that lets you determine based on her beliefs what to do to keep her alive.
Sounds terrible, but we all have been through this and when a relative could care less, just let some financial dispute come into play and they will be there with bells on!!
Come back often, even if you just read and don't post, you will see lots of folks with problems like yours.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2005 at 1:11AM
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Hi sajz & welcome to the forum. I've had problems with my back and can only imagine the pain your DM is having. She is surely fortunate to have you with her. I pray God blesses what the surgeons have done, and she finds great relief from her pain and increased mobility... May He comfort, strengthen and encourage both of you and give you peace. ~breezy

    Bookmark   June 19, 2005 at 8:53AM
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Thank you, ladies, for all of your kind responses. My little rant was at 4am, Friday/Saturday ... I'm always at my breaking point at the end of the week. I'm feeling better now (it's Sunday. By Thurs. I will be back here with the same rant). How therapeutic a little kindness and concern can be!

Derry asked if my family had a discussion concerning the care our mom should receive. Sadly, we don't have discussions. I don't think my brother has made eye contact with me since 1995! He's very passive-aggressive. My sister won't discuss anything with me, her dislike
being quite extreme. She is very good, though, at criticizing and assigning blame. Lovely gal!!!

Glitter mentioned her brother avoided responsibility for 12 years? Good lord. So you absolutely know how I feel, and more so.

The legal advice you gave is spot atty. came to the house this past week(my mom being unable to travel) and we finalized all necessary stuff. My mom is mentally in tact and has been able to oversee all of her financial and legal obligations, thank God.

We've been trying to get help and see what resources are avail. for her/us. She has done 99% of the research on her own...she is very smart, has been independent all of her life and does not want to burden me or anyone else. She really is a wonderful person, and we (bro,sis,me) are lucky to have her. She has never asked anyone for much help, and she really needs it now...the kind of help only people who are close to you should give.

Before this last surgery my sister was especially effusive in declaring that she was going to do everything she could to help mum through this...use her vacation time, use her friends and colleagues as resources for info(she's worked in a major medical facility/teaching hospital for 20 years and has some useful connections). Her contribution, post-op? She went grocery shopping 3x, then lectured our disabled, depressed, pain-riddled mom on how she's sick of "being taken advantage of.(????) Then she stayed away completely, calling once or twice (in a 7 month pd) to brag about her new horse and how this is an enormous responsibilty that occupies all of her time.

She's a complete #%$@^#%. I've known it, but had hopes that she'd "see the light" and finally show our mom the decency she has EARNED. My mom is really devasted by this...I guess it's hard for a parent to face up to the reality that your children can turn out to be #%^* 's.

Oh NO....I gave another RANT!! I'm sorry!I promise not to make a habit of this!
TY also to breeze and Jean for your kind comments :)

    Bookmark   June 20, 2005 at 2:50AM
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Hello and welcome! Everyone here knows i'm not afraid to vent, and it's healthy! i've found out that friends only want to hear so much and if you have a bad day and need to sound off they don't want to hear about it. it's funny when illness strikes especially long term illness you see who your friends are. as you probably have read that Al was sick and in the hospital last week, well, he did call his mother and said i'm home now and she said why where did you go to he went on to explain he had a mild heart attack, CHF and pnenomea (sp) she said oh, and went on about her back abd how sore it is (it's sore from inactivity and nothing else), he also asked if she'd like to go to the cemetary with us to see how the flowers are growing that we planted 3 weeks ago, she got angry that we had went there, and also planted flowers - it's something Al and i and the kids do every year and have done for the past 22 years, she went on to criticize the colour of the flowers - i told her, it was carley's turn to pick the flower colours out and the flowers for grandpa this year (each year the kids get a turn), we plant then we go for a walk and leave Al there with his dad for about 20 minutes or so. also this is the first time his mother has seen him in his wheelchair and getting in and out of the car, and we putting him in and the wheelchair in the truck, it didn't even faze her, she then said can we go to my parent site! we had also made arrangments for his sister to meet us there (they were not impressed that this was a 9:30 am venture) but she came anyways, no mention from her about what went on last week, but we did hear about her trip to the states and his other sister visiting in july, and having a BBQ, why would we care if she can't even pick up a phone to call him (but she can call these other 2 several times a week). our kids want nothing to do with gramma, which is very hurtful and i feel so bad for her on one hand but on the other she has chosen this all herself and doesn't even realize that this has happended (what kind of grandparent has only babysat 2 times in their grandchildrens life and told you you had to pay for this service?). i guess what i'm basically saying is that they won't change at all, so don't knock your head on a brick wall trying to figure it out. i like Glitter don;t live in the states, but perhaps there are agencies out there that can help you or steer you in the right direction. i too like you was angry and nervous, perhaps you could make yoursle f a doctor s appointment, and see if everything ok, i get bad migranes and always have, had a scare about 2 months ago, very high blood pressure! also maybe you would benefit being on an antidpressant just to take the edge off. we can all give our worldy advice (99.9% i have taken), but you have to take the first step and i hope you do, since you do sound like a very nice person! again welcome, we love hearing from everyone, (good or bad), that's what friends are for! debbie (staying inside since it's going to be 91 and humid - see we do get summer!!!)

    Bookmark   June 20, 2005 at 10:25AM
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Oh, I feel your pain!

I have three brothers, none closer than 525 miles away. He hasn't been here to visit his 95 yr old Mother since last July. Both the others live across the country. One has never called, but sends two cards a year, Christmas and Mother's Day, and the other one at least calls once a month.

Know what? The hardest adjustment for me has been to simply write them all off. Forget them. Understand that they will never do anything whatsoever, no matter how it breaks Mother's heart.

I've decided to move on. After each doctor appt, I email my closest brother just to give the facts of the appt. That's it. I don't expect more, and I try not to fret about it.

You honestly cnanot change your siblings. you are stuck with them. The best thing for you to do is to rise above them, no matter how difficult that may be.

Sigh. I guess that all sounds 'easy', and it is not. But these people are pulling you down. Don't let them have that power over you.

And about your Mother. The doctor started Mother on an antidepressant just two weeks ago, and we can't believe how much it seems to help. The obsessive worrying is really lessened, and she seems much more relaxed. I was a skeptic about starting her on such a thing, but it really seems to be a miracle drug for her. Which means that it helps me, too!

Best of luck, and welcome to the nicest forum in the world. Lean on our collective shoulders any time you want.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2005 at 10:59AM
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HI ...It is so amazing to me how folks like your sister totally see only their own view and apparently thoroughly believe that it is the correct viewpoint. My sister was that way....unable to maintain an effort, if only via telephone support. Maybe they just deceive themselves into thinking they are totally right because they need to think that.But Fairegold is cannot change it, AND it is the hardest thing to accept. For me, I could not help that it has permanently made a difference in the way I think about my family and my sister. Very sad.
The week has started...I hope it isn't too bad for you! Derry

    Bookmark   June 20, 2005 at 11:11AM
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