New to forum...need a sounding board.
I am glad that I stumbled upon this forum. My family has been dealing with so much lately, I feel as though I am on the verge of loosing it completely. My DH and I care for my FIL, who will be 95 in June! We have a 3yr DS and a 12yr old DD at home. My FIL is an amazing old man, still full of spunk, but obviously, age and dementia are slowing him down. But the real reason for this post is about my dear Mother.
Last November, we got the gut wrenching news that mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, with Mets to her liver, lung and abdomen, her prognosis was not good. When she was diagnosed I was in shock, and immediately took a LOA from work to care for her. She is only 61 years old, and I had to come to grips that she ignored her health and flat out refused any chemo. Thank-fully, in January she agreed to radiation to her pelvic area and tubes inserted into her kidneys to help them drain due to a blockage. Since then, there has been no other treatment.
The plan in the beginning was to arrange for homecare, and also between my sister and I, we were going to travel back and forth and share the duties of keeping mom safe. Mom lives in a different Province. It never turned out that way. I am the only one staying with my mother. I basically have been home on three different occasions for short visits. I have given up so much, it just hurts right now. I miss my home, my family, my children, my husband...my DH has been very supportive, and god bless his soul, he has been running the household, working full time, and managing the best he can with an aging father with dementia, a toddler and a pre-teen daughter. It has been rough on all of us...I just pray that we can keep it together as a family.
The hardest part of all, is the fact that I am loosing my mother. She has been in and out of hospital, and during this last hospital stay, I had to come to terms that she would not be coming home. It was hard, I had many a sleepless night, just crying all by myself in her apartment. Then, her doctor told mom she could go home if she wanted. I was shocked, and just went into a tail spin. The emotional roller-coaster has been overwhelming. Now,I am looking at this in a different light. Please tell me if I am wrong. I cannnot sit here waiting for my mother to die, which is basically what it seems like it has come down to. I decided the other day that I will call in for help, and arrange for respite. Mom was not too thrilled, she has become extremely dependent on me. I will arrange for mom to go back to the hospital for two weeks, so that I can go home and try to rekindle some of our old life back. I was so scared to go this route before, because mom is so frail. But now, I think I have to for my sanity, and my families sake. I will plan to keep this up for however long I have too...two weeks home, two weeks with mom. Not sure how respite works, the worker has not returned my call yet, but this is what I am hoping for.
I am also feeling very guilty for this. I have been here with my mother through it all, and have watched my mother deteriorate before my eyes. She is mostly in bed, but does get up at least twice daily to sit in the living-room with me for about an hour each time. She eats very little, but still drinks fluids. She cannot stand noise, so no music, no tv, and bright lights hurt her eyes. But, I still think she is strong, she has been this way for the last month, no change good or bad in her health. Am I crazy for thinking of leaving her now, after everything that we have been through. I told my husband I just could not, would not, sit here staring out the window all summer long, by myself....I just cannot do it. I love my mother dearly, but I also think I am loosing my mind, and loosing my family at the same time.
Sorry this is so long, but I just have to let this out. Please be honest in your replies. I am so confused and alone right now, I need some advice from people who have been there, done that.