Newbie in Sad Shape
I just found this forum. I want to thank you all in advance. I don't even know what I want except maybe a sympathetic ear and a chance to vent. I think I'm too far gone for help.
I care for my 83-year-old mother. She's in the dementia process and has high blood pressure with frequent syncopal episodes (among other problems). I don't leave her alone for longer than about 15 minutes. Right now she's in better shape than I am. I have diabetes and high-blood pressure and don't have insurance. I didn't qualify for Medicaid and can't afford to pay outright for medical care. I'm in desperate need of counseling and an anti-depressant. I'm only barely functioning at this point. I'm 46 and don't work outside the home. I also cared for my father until shortly before he died from Alzheimer's Disease about two-and-a-half years ago. I'm divorced and don't have any children. I've given up my life for caregiving. I haven't had a 'paying' job for four years.
I have someone who comes in four hours a week so I can get out and go grocery shopping. I live in a rural area, and I don't get very far in four hours. My sister is of no help at all. She's living in a battered women's shelter now with her daughter. Even in the best of times, she never was much help.
My physical and mental health are at rock bottom. I can't do this very much longer. I'm so paralyzed with depression that it's very difficult for me to do anything at all. My mom is adamant that she won't go to a nursing home. I have thought about contacting Adult Protective Services or having her declared incompetent. I'll probably never get around to doing anything about it. Her physician's office isn't of much help. The discharge coordinators at the hospital always seem so pleased that they don't have to get involved. I sleep about three or four hours a night, and I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm getting teary typing this now. I cry all the time.
I'm embarrassed to tell you how bad I've let things get. I have one vehicle that isn't running, and one that has expired registration. I'm not keeping up with paying bills. The house is a mess. The living room looks okay because the woman who stays with my mom on Fridays takes care of that. Everything else is a mess. It goes on from there. I was very productive in my 'former' life. I wasn't a whiner. It's harder and harder to get through my days. I know I'm supposed to take it one day at a time, but it's getting harder and harder.
Everyone always says to take care of yourself. I'm a prime example of what happens when you don't. I never thought it would get this bad. I don't have any resources left. Considering the way I feel now, I don't think I'll be alive by Christmas. Thanks for listening to my little rant here. I know I'm not alone. I wish you all the best in your caregiving endeavors. Thanks again for listening.