Re- Need to vent-I'm so sad
Mom's knee is finally doing great after the surgery but she's still triping over her own foot. The DR said she would continue to fall if she didn't have the knee replacement but it seems that wasn't really the problem but at least now that she's over the terrible pain after the surgery she doesn't have the knee pain anymore. They think she's favored her right leg so long because of the knee pain that the muscles in her hip have atropied. She can't lift her right leg and when she walks she scuffs her foot along and sometimes her toes actually turn under and she's dragging the top of them on the floor. This is what's making her fall. If she really pays attention she can lift it enough to keep from falling but unless you're right there reminding her she doesn't lift it.
About 2 weeks ago the thearpist told her she could walk around in her room with her walker. She fell twice that day. The next day she drug her right foot so bad they were afraid to turn her loose. Her therapist told me instead of progressing she was actually going backwards. I thought maybe she was being manipulative because after she got over the severe pain she seemed to really like it there and I'm still not sure that isn't the case. She hasn't fell anymore since then. When she was in severe pain she sincerely wanted to come home but lately when she says she wants to come home she doesn't sound sincere. I'm sure a part of her does want to come home but she wants me to do everything for her like they do there and I can't. There's only one of me and my shift would never end.
She's started interacting with some of the people there, she gets lots of attention and she gets pie, cake, cookies, ice cream ect. 2 or 3 times a day instead of healthy snacks like fruit, yogurt and sugar free jello. She loves all this. I also gave her the unhealthy stuff 2 or 3 times a week but not 2 or 3 times a day. Anyway she likes that too and she likes being waited on. She doesn't have to do anything for herself anymore. She also discovered if she went to the diningroom at lunch time she could get more good stuff so she has them take her everyday now. I think she hits the salt shaker too and shouldn't because of the swelling. It doesn't do any good to tell her she shouldn't because she won't listen.
I've been waking up at 2:30 to 3:30 every morning for the last 2 weeks with her on my mind and can't get back to sleep. I think the community living is good for her and I know she likes the extra goodies and being waited on. The bottom line is I couldn't take care of her very long like she is if at all and I think overall she'll be happier in the nursing home. Also this one is the best one within at least 50 miles, maybe more and I can't pass up the chance to get her in there. If I brought her home she would have to go on a waiting list but since she's already in the building in rehab she goes to the top of the list. If I brought her home I might never be able to get her back in this one.
I started talking to her about it Monday and I started the paper work yesterday. At first her only comment was,"You don't want me." Of course that isn't true. She wants to stay in the room she's in because so far she hasn't had to share it with anyone but it's in the rehab side and she can't. It also has a big window overlooking the city pool which isn't open yet but she's been watching them work on it getting it ready to open. Yesterday she ask me if I was really going to put her in the nursing home and I told her I have to and explained why again and also told her I think she'll be happier there and why. She said the other side was for old folks and I told her she's old at 80. It's only 10 miles away so I can go see her often. I was bringing her laundry home doing it myself because I didn't want her name put on everything till yesterday. Yesterday I told them they could start doing it.
I know I'm doing what's best for all concerned but still it saddens me. Maybe deep down it even makes me feel like a failure but I know that's not true.
I also feel like she'll end up on insulin again but I couldn't give her the stuff like they do because I would have felt like I was poisoning her and in a way I would have been. I also know she won't live as long there because they can't give her the individual attention that I did but I'd rather have her live 6 months being happier than to live a year at home not so happy. Here I had her get her own water and drinks out of the frig and put her plate in the sink after dinner because she needed the exercise. She also had to walk 40 to 50 feet just to get from her room to the dining table.
To start with I was enjoying my freedom thinking it was only going to be for a short time but now after such a rigid schedule for over 3 years I feel at loose ends. It will take a little adjusting on my part. I'm sure I'll enjoy my freedom again after I get over this sadness.
For those of you who read my post about the 5 year property law; I don't think it matters because she was penalized when she first came to live with me for what they called an improper deed transfer. The deed was made in '96 but was recorded in '03 to me and my sister. She was denied home health for so many months till the value of the property was used up so I don't think they can penalize her twice. I guess I'll find out for sure next week. I didn't know the value so the social worker had to call the court house in AL to find out so everything has been done properly I think.
Well thanks everyone for listening and good luck to you all.