I am sick of being everyone's Mother...

fairegoldMay 27, 2005

Just a vent...

Today I heard my 95 yr old Mother whine about getting a real walker, one with a seat and basket and big wheels. She had every argument in the book, and was just about crying... the other ladies at her dining table all have walkers and there is a parking "problem" in the dining room, she doesn't like the basket and seat and all that, they cost too much. I relied on the physical therapist to push the issue, and we have an extra short modle on order (what? 95 yr old women don't come shorter than the 5'3" size???) But she needs it for safety, so she can walk to the dining room. Mother asked where did I learn so much and why did I think I was so smart.

Then I get my dysfunctional 53 yr old single brother who fell last fall and somehow messed up his feet. He lives 500 miles away, and hasn't seen his Mother since last July because of this. He says he can barely walk. Says he went to the doctor and had xrays when he fell (last fall), nothing is broken, and now I find out that it's a Doc In The Box, and he hasn't seen a specialist. He wants to change jobs now, and I've had to explain to him about things called tendons and ligaments and that he needs to see a specialist, and there are other things called pre-existing conditions tht might affect his future insurance coverage. His lastest non-compliance is that he can't take time off work to see a doctor without making an appt 2 or 3 weeks in advance. I blew it and said that this is the first of many appts, and you'll just get a referral to a specialist and that you are probably looking at surgery and PT. OK, why would an other-wise healthy 53 yr old man be voluntarily crippled? He says he can barely drive the car 5 miles to his office. He asks why the hell do I think I know everything.

Then, I lost it with my husband. Once more, I heard "Huh?" If I never again hear "Huh?" in my life it will be too soon. I told him that I have heard the younger men in his offivce joke about him not hearing things. He says that I mumble. I said that either he makes himself an appt tomorrow to get a hearing test or I will make one for him. He says it's all my fault.

I'm tired of being everyone's mother. The only one who does not need a mother is my son, thank goodness.

Thanks for letting me vent....

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Oh Fairegold!!!
Can I relate to you on the hearing thing with your hubby!!! We have the EXACT SAME conversations...he says "huh?", I say you need to have your hearing checked and he says it's me, I mumble!!! How funny is that??? His mother has had a hearing problem for many years (she is 88) and just got hearing aids last year...unfortunately, her hearing is so far gone now, they don't do much good. I just don't understand why people will walk around with hearing loss and not do anything about it, yet if they have a vision problem they will wear glasses....where the heck is the difference? As you can see, this really frosts me!!! Like you, I am so tired of repeating myself...as far as being everyone's mother...don't get me started!!! :) Have a better day today...Mimi

    Bookmark   May 27, 2005 at 8:24AM
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Oh yes, been there, done that, have the t-shirt. Being squeezed between kids, XH (formerly DH) and parents ate me alive. Just feeling that way made me step back and take a long, hard look at my life. I started saying "No" and taking time for myself. I had to get control of my life. I didn't run over and see my parents every day, weekly was fine. I didn't enroll the kids in every sport or dance class that came along, and a 3 course hot meal was not on the table every night when DH/XH came home from work!

Now, my parents have both died, I'm divorced and the last of the kids (the 28 y.o.) has finally moved out. I don't regret thinking it for a moment, or taking action then. I certainly miss my parents, I don't miss the XH, and the kids are wonderful, and I see them alot, and I'm going to be a grandmother in the fall. Needless to say, I am very content with my life. But now I'm very careful about the demands on me.

Certainly, we would march through h*ll for our family, especially our kids, but ............. not all day, every day.

Take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2005 at 10:21AM
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Good news, DH has an appt for a hearing test next Tuesday.


Thanks for letting me vent. I was just so frosted by the end of the day yesterday that steam was coming out my ears. First Mother, then my brother called, then the "Huh?"

Today I'm meeting a friend for lunch. Yeah!

    Bookmark   May 27, 2005 at 1:08PM
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    Bookmark   May 27, 2005 at 2:39PM
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Take some time to mother yourself. Your brother is all grown up and making poor choices. I don't think you will change him.
As for your mom, I guess you have to toughen up and let lots roll of your back. Hopefully someday we will be the sharp, 95 yr. old ladies, complaining about the money being spent.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2005 at 4:22PM
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i have alot of those days, and i wonder -- i wish someone would take care of me! i have basically done everything and have no help from anyone, and believe me some things i have learnt the hard way. our ds who turned 22 on monday can't have a house key, why because he loses them and doesn't seem to care, i also drive him sometimes to and from work (notice my new word it's sometimes, even though he pays for t he gas that's not the point!). dd can have a key because she is reliable and responsible. i'm tired of making doctor's appointments and dishes and you name it. yesterday i decided to take dd to school and i slept almost all day yesterday and all day today, just to show them, they can make due without me and guess what they did. i also finished a book that i was reading and i will say that i am not guilty in the least. i know it's a long weekend for most of you so please drive carefully! debbie

    Bookmark   May 27, 2005 at 8:34PM
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Hey Deb,
Boy can I relate to the losing key syndrome. My son, who is 32, could never keep a key...lost hundreds of them. I finally stopped giving them to him and just kept the door unlocked!! We have three dogs and I figured anyone wanting to get in bad enough and get beyond the dogs will find a way if the door is locked. Besides keys, he lost everything that wasn't attached to him, I'm not kidding. I finally got to the point where I told him I bought the first one and then he bought them after that...he was unbelievable....just couldn't hold onto anything. He was a very good student and a great athlete (wrestling, football, baseball, hockey, you name it). Now Debbie, on the bright side... I have to say, he's an intellegent guy, graduated Cum Laude from Law School and is a very successful young man -- married for five years with a precious almost 3 year old son (my angel grandson). So, there is hope...he's VERY responsible...he has 75 people reporting to him...BUT...he still manages to lose things.....have a great weekend, Mimi

    Bookmark   May 27, 2005 at 10:42PM
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Gosh, Fairegold, I just can't help but laugh! Your mother thinks you a smart a$$, your brother thinks you're a pain in the a$$ know-it-all and your hubs can't hear you and its all your fault. Are you sure you're not writing for Jerry Seinfeld?

I think you're due for a visit to the beautiful Dane! An intense, kissing and hugging visit! Doctor Woodie's orders.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2005 at 3:19PM
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I quickly scanned your message, but have to go! It's Saturday, I'm home and therefore on perpetual duty. Maybe I'll have time to read and reply thoughtfully after the lawn and the present issue requiring "attention" have received requistite attention.

KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, though...

even though it probably doesn't help much... :)

    Bookmark   May 28, 2005 at 4:10PM
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That's okay, Chelone, I just needed a little venting. I can't help my brother, but I need to make it plain to him that I have no interest in hearing him whine-----take care of business or don't mention it to me again. Period. Mother will be OK, as long as the PT and other people tell her that a new walker is good. She sure doesn't believe me! ANd DH is getting his ears checked... finally!

But the other day I could have screamed....

Thanks to you all for the encouragement! It really does help.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2005 at 1:23AM
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Fairegold, my Mother was so furious with me 2 weeks ago but all of a sudden I'm the best daughter in the world. I wonder how long that will last? Oh, I know, until the next thing happens that gets her frustrated or upset or reminds her that she can't handle the world the way she used to and takes out her frustrations on me!

Hey, at least you somehow got through to your husband, even though your brother will most likely always be a nincompoop.

I know that you have a wonderful sense of humor and I hope it helps to get you through.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2005 at 8:32AM
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here's a good one for the day!...have you seen my cell phone, ds says, no why in the world would i have your phone, i don't even know how to work it. carley did you hid my cell phone, no why would i do something that stupid. this went on for are you ready for this 7 hours, do you know where the phone was.....it was in a bag of half eaten dorito's(chips), plus he didn't have the sound on only the vibrate! you gotta love them, but before that we had to drive to the girlfriend house, on the other side of town to get it. oh well good excuse to go to the cemetery to plant flowers on al's dad's plot. enjoy your long weekend, it's raining here right now.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2005 at 11:35AM
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"it (cellphone) was in a bag of half eaten dorito's"

I am having a slow morning, I guess, because I just can't wrap my brain around any possibilities of HOW the phone wound up in that place. Nope, just can't think of anything to explain it....

Thanks for my laugh for today!

    Bookmark   May 29, 2005 at 1:27PM
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If you can't picture the phone in the Doritos, check this out:
Be sure to go down to the reply by "Pinocchio"

Here is a link that might be useful: Phone Phunny

    Bookmark   May 29, 2005 at 1:48PM
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Fairegold, as strange as it seems, your message was an encouragement to me. It's good to know others are dealing with similar issues. My 90 year old mother is in a lovely assisted living community. But every time I see her she has new complaints, especially about the food. Pork chops every day; no fresh vegetables, only canned; no spices; mashed potatoes, french, fries, potato chips; only chocolate for dessert...on and on it goes. Sometimes I just want to scream. But I don't. Instead I try to come up with ideas to "fix" things. But my fixes are never good enough. Anyhow, to you & the others who responded, as I said before, it's good to know there are others dealing with similar situations.

Regarding your husband's hearing difficulties, I've worn hearing aids since I was in my mid thirties (I'm now 58). In fact, I got my newest pair about two months ago. They make such a difference in quality of life. And it's good for your husband to get them while he's still spry & able to adjust to new situations. My mother needs hearing aids, but I'm afraid that she won't make the adjustment & will end up not using them. The only adivce I can give (and, of course, you didn't ask for any) is that your husband make sure he gets his aids from a true audiologist, someone who will give him the best aid for his particular needs. Follow up is very important too. He should be able to see the audiologist every few weeks for almost six months, so adjustments can be made. He needs to tell his audiologist everything he notices -- a slight uncomfortable feeling, feedback problems, etc. Anything that concerns him. Nothing is too small. A good audiologist will make every attempt to correct problems. Under no circumstances should he just grit his teeth and bear it. (By the way, my new hearing aids have two microphones & are digital. They were expensive, but worth it.)

    Bookmark   May 29, 2005 at 9:19PM
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