caregiving (long term)

barker_txApril 13, 2008

Dad has finally agreed to put Mom in a nursing home after having paid for in home help for 30+ years. She has MS. She is 90 and he is 94. This is gonna be a huge adjustment for him. It is a toss up which one will die first - her because he had to put her in a nursing home or him from 'guilt'.

At the same time I am dealing with my own DH who is stage 4 esophageal cancer so there's not much I can do to help him emotionally.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Wow, you've got a lot on your plate. Wishing you much strength.


    Bookmark   April 13, 2008 at 8:40PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Saying prayers for all of you.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2008 at 9:20PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I hate to suggest this, but it might work. Some nursing homes are set up so that a husband and wife in this situation can share a room. He might accept that arrangement easier than being separated from her. Especially if his health is not good too.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2008 at 9:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

hi everyone, i still can't seem to leave you all, because you are all the best friends a person can have!

Barker, i hope you won't make the big mistake i did and exhausted myself, however, i don't think i could handle all that you are going through right now! and i too wish you strength to get through all of this.


    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 10:56AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hi Deb - hope you are getting along pretty good, all things considered.

I am not the caretaker of Mom or Dad - I still work full time!
I don't think he'll consider moving in with her and I don't think he'll do well rattling around in their house by himself. I 'am' hoping he'll sell the house and get an apt close to the nursing home (which is only about 10 minutes from the house) . oh, I forgot to mention, he still DRIVES! another thing to worry about.

DH has been fighting this cancer for a year now and yes, I am really stressed out over everything. I'll have a better idea how his treatment is going the latter part of May when we find out if the present 'cocktail' of chemo is doing any good or not.

I have to keep on working to have insurance on him. After one year, his bills are about $200,000. I told my SIL that if I didn't have the wonderful insurance I do have on him, I don't know how we could have paid for his care.

Hanging in there for another day (which is about all I can AA, one day at a time)


    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 7:43PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

As agnespuffin said, some nursing homes have levels of care.

My great uncle was able-bodied but had Alzheimer's, and my great aunt was frail but sound of mind. A facility with levels of care accomodated both of them.

    Bookmark   April 15, 2008 at 12:33AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

i have to say this time it's great to be canadian, hospital, doctors are free! one thing i did have as an option was to pay for extra insurance thru Al's work, which was about 400.00 per month for dd and i,which i opted out, because she gets free extra insurance thru the university she goes to, and i only take two prescriptions(for now) which the doctor gives me for free. and when i am 60 (8 more years) things will be free yet again.
probably when you're at work you think of your husband and your folks so you are mentally drained, which i think i still am, my doctor now says it takes a person about 2 years to feel "right"again. we have wonderful facilities here (all about 5 years old or so) which have the frail, the older folks etc. they live on different floors some have apts, bed sitting rooms, 2 bedrooms (shared) with a commom living room etc. these are geared to income, i believe they let the folks there have about 200.00 or so spending money.
well we had a terrible SNOW storm on friday and today it's 50 out right now (which is a tropicial for here).
thinking of all of you and missing you!

    Bookmark   April 15, 2008 at 1:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble, Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea..
- Psalms 46:1-2

    Bookmark   June 24, 2008 at 3:12AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Update - DH missed one week of chemo due to low platelets but did have first round 2 weeks ago, sees onc doc tomorrow and if blood OK chemo again Thursday.

In process of finding new nursing home for Mom (why am I doing this - my sister is supposed to be taking care of Mom's needs) as the current home (chosen by my sister) is not doing what we feel is necessary

Dad is very depressed at having to put Mom in a nursing home and is very lonely so he is spending most weekends with me (why am I doing this - my brother is supposed to be seeing about Dad). Both my brother and sister are 'retired' - neither one has a critically ill spouse.

thanks for letting me vent......Carolyn

    Bookmark   June 24, 2008 at 7:40PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Any chance you can just take your dad over to your brothers and tell him, He is your father also so we are now going to take turns having him at our homes. It sounds like maybe you need to put your foot down and have a little family pow-wow and let them know you have enough on your plate with your DH.

I sure hope you can convince them to help out, you have to feel like you are being pulled in many different directions.

Linda J

    Bookmark   June 24, 2008 at 8:16PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh Linda - if it were only that easy. Brother lives with his wife in a 32 ft RV on our 'retirement' home property (that is, if I ever get to retire!) when he retired 18 months ago they sold their house, bought this RV "hoping" to be able to at least travel to cooler weather than our hot Texas summers - they have been living at our 'country' place for a year taking care of it (i.e. mowing, light handyman stuff, etc) And my sister lives 3 hours away.

Getting Mom moved less than 5 miles away from me and both daughters will help but right now visiting the alternate nursing homes, meeting with the staff, getting her Hospice on a contract with the 'new' nursing home, changing her doctor, etc. (and I want to make this move by mid July) is taking quite a bit of time and due to DH's med appointments I can't even deal with her stuff until Monday.

I would love to be able to retire and just take care of all of this but DH is on my insurance thru my job and we simply cannot afford for me to quit working due to the insurance issue (I have really good insurance) since it looks like he will have some sort of treatment most of this year. M D Anderson simply will not accept patients unless they have insurance, Medicare/Medicaid or a ton of money to pay for their care. His bill is over $250K after 15 months so you might say it is almost $20,000 per MONTH.

He is not old enought for Social Security/Medicare although he has applied for medical disability and should easiily be approved if they ever quit asking for more paperwork (and quit losing it!)

Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day - Daughter #1 just called to say she had been by to see Mom and an aide had fed her supper (not that she ate much of it) and she had plenty to drink.


    Bookmark   June 24, 2008 at 9:41PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

We moved Mom July 3rd - she is now 2 miles from me and daughter #1, 3 miles from daughter #2. I am going there 3 times a week to feed her a meal; Sun - Tues & Thurs after work and before going home. Yesterday I couldn't rouse her to feed her and she is refusing meds because "I already took them". We'll see if I can get her to take them tonight.

I think her time is very short now; she was 91 in June and Dad was 95 2 weeks ago; he is now spending weekends with me from Fri PM thru Sun Noon; brother then takes over at Sun noon and Mon AM takes Dad by nursing home and then on to the house. Hopefully, we can get it ready to sell soon.

DH is finished with this round of chemo and has a new CT scan on 8/8 and appt with onc doc on 8/11 to get results of CT scan. The next 2 weeks will be realllly stressful waiting for CT scan and results. I am back in the 'ready to cry at a drop of a hat'mode......once we get the test results I can 'move one' but the 'not knowing' really gets to me. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about any of this except 'deal with it' so I'll close the pity party down for this month.


    Bookmark   July 25, 2008 at 3:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh Carolyn, many, many prayers are being sent your way. I cannot imagine the stress you are under right now. Yes, we always fear the unknown........"we have nothing to fear but fear itself" Waiting is hard but we will all sit here with you, listen to you, give you a shoulder to cry on, hold your hand and whatever else you want.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2008 at 5:35PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Caretaker of a different sort...
Hi all, new to this forum, but not garden web. Reading...
Medicare & Lidocaine Patches
My 90 y.o. mom has been using Lidocaine patches for...
trouble getting in and out of bed
My 90 year old 4'10" arthritic Mom is getting...
New to caregivers forum...
Hi, folks... I have been a Gardenweb member for eons,...
Mom fell 3 times in 2 weeks
My 90 y.o. mother lives in the independent side of...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™