Please! I need some guidance

n2teethApril 19, 2013

Well I'll give you some background first. I've been married for 5 yrs..I'm the 4th wife. I have no kids,he has 4 "grown" sons. His mother is 87 and just 3 weeks ago took a huge fall outside her house and laid there for a few hours until next door neighbor found her. My husband and his brother have allowed her to live alone, but what I see is that she should of had a caregiver as least part time. My MIL is a major hardhead, she refuses to have ANYONE help care for her unless it's her boys or the other DIL. She would not wear one of the Life Alert things when we brought it up either. My husband works full time the other brother and his wife do not. They live off the money the MIL has given them. She recently had given the brother another HUGE amount, but didn't do the same with my husband. I don't care it's her money. My husband and I do fine with our jobs. The brother and his wife are basically white trash and can't or won't hold a job. He's been this way his whole like I found out. He also smokes pot everyday to get by. O.k. now for my relationship w/ the MIL. I came into this "family" very overweight. She over the past 5 yrs have had a field day with it and has told me several times that I am "Fat and Ugly", she's said that my husband only married me because I was losing weight, and when someone asked her what I looked like she said "she would win a beauty contest". Now I KNOW that I'm pretty ( I used to do large size modeling a bunch when I was younger). I was heavy, and would over compensate for it by trying too hard with this backwoods idiot . Well since last Jan 2012 I've lost 104 lbs and I'm almost to goal. She recently has told me that she doesn't want to give me any compliments or criticisms because she doesn't want to "say" anything wrong. I told her that I do NOT need her compliments, and NO ONE needs her criticisms EVER. I never went over to her house that much because of the way she is towards me. My husband only got mad at her once for saying rude things (that is a whole other story). Well now she still in the hospital after the fall. Now the monster that was in the closet is out. What I mean is this was and is my fear. Now she is gonna need full time care. She broke her hip, wrist, elbow, shoulder, ribs, and vertebre on the left side. She also had to go through major heart surgery before they could do surgery for the broken bones. My husband and his brother and his wife are gonna take care of her. They don't want to put her in a nursing home or have someone take care of her in her home-per the "mothers" instructions. My husband, works full time. How in the you know what is he gonna do this and still be married. I do NOT want to take care of her, I will not take care of her. Now that's out...this doesn't mean I don't want my husband to see or take care of his Mom. But they ( the three of them) are pretty ignorant when it comes to this "women". I'll explanin, when she fell the neighbor called the brother, who in turn called my husband to tell him go over to Mom's. We were out of town, not too far, but about 1 1/2 hrs. The brother went and found out what happened, but didn't call 911 ( he told my husband on the phone you need to come- me and my wife can't pick her up and put her in the car to go to the hospital. He waited until we got there and I had mentioned to all of them why don't you call 911. They handles her like a sack of potatoes. They drove her to the hospital. The brother tells me" I shook her arm and shook her leg....Naw...there's nothin broken". I was shocked! These are the idiots that are going to be taking care of her....Oh! By the way...the brother LOVES to yell at this women too...all the time. Verbal abuse all the the point I just can't be around them ( the MIL, the brother ) AT ALL! THe mother raised this waste of DNA like the way I see made your bed now sleep in it. Now....what's bugging me. My husband wants to spend a lot of time over there. I work two jobs and we have a dog. I don't care for the MIL, or the brother. We are not gonna have a life anymore...My husband said that all's I'm thinking about is myself...he knows that I don't like his Mom and I need to just get past what she did...and that he's gonna do what he has to do for his Mom. What do I do....he is right. I can't stand her or the brother ( sometimes my husband too...sorry, but it's the truth). She can't even walk, she still babbling incoherent stuff all the time ( she told my husband the other day...I know you want me dead...Wow!). My husband is the most caring guy. I do want him to be kind toward his Mom and do what he needs to do, but I CANNOT there a lot. I've been trying to do stuff to help him here at the house. I'll call him up and ask is there anything he needs me to do? I'll try to support him, but does this mean I'll never see him at all on the weekends ( when I have off)? I see him for about 1/2 hr in the am and maybe an 1/2 hr in the pm. Please let me have it between the eyeballs if I'm being a jerk, or tell me what I can/should do. Thanks for your time...

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So you are wife #4, that says a lot! Maybe mama always came 1st or your hubby thinks he comes 1st over this wife. You say how caring he is but all he gives you is 1 hr a day, do you still cook & do his laundry?. There are 2 people over at the bro. house that should be enough help to get her around from bed to bathroom & her chair. He is very unfair to you. Is your hubby still working or did he quit? If he quits you get to pay the bills. You might be better off alone. Your guy didn't consult you about arrangements did he? Sounds like you are already alone or cook, cleaner & maid for your hubby, are you getting anything else out of marriage, he's getting what he wants it sounds like but you are working 2 jobs. Wow!! Sounds very lopsided to me especially when none of his family likes you, why hasn't he put his foot down & stood up for his wife!! Sad empty way to live! Maybe the "no respect for women" came from his mom's teaching, that's not going to change. Not likely he will change .either.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2013 at 1:56PM
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You also can might contact for legal advice with the council of Elder abuse and have her evulated and make sure she and any money she has is protected . She won't like it, and neither will your husband, but you need to protect your life and marriage if you wish to do so. Look for the Council on Aging to help you put things in perspective.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2013 at 10:00PM
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His mom is always going to come first. You can either give him full and uncomplaining support, or you walk.

My MIL lives with us. She has dementia and it's getting worse. Fortunately, she's a very nice lady and unlike your MIL, relatively easy to take care of. But it's clear I don't count as far as she's concerned; only my husband (her only child) does. What I say doesn't matter; only what he says is important to her.

Yes, she stresses him out. But he has learned that he can in fact say "no" to her more unreasonable demands, and it isn't the end of the world. You'd be surprised how hard that lesson is to learn, sometimes.

And no one can do it for anybody else; that's a personal journey of self-awareness (aka maturity) that every person has to travel by himself/herself.

I'd suggest therapy or counseling for both of you. If you get someone good, it can be a great help. It isn't easy to always admit one needs help, and a lot of people feel they're too busy to do it. But it can really be a lifesaver, or in your case, a marriage saver.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2013 at 8:38PM
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