I'm new here, but not to gardenweb
Soory this is so long.....Five years ago my parents were fighting, mom was becoming frustrated as dad became more physically disabled. She did her own thing 3-4 days a week, he used able ride to take him to senior centers, she had to do the driving when they were together, she would yell at him and he yelled back. She complained to him al, the time about her life with him, and how it changed. They were fighting. She helped him in and out of tub for shower, he made a mess of her immaculate home, he has no balance, so made her walls dirty when he leaned on them. She was/is bothered he is HOH. After a fall that landed dad in the hospital, a fight in the room, mom decided he couldn't come home. It was horrible for him and me....she said he was cray, and she couldn't live with him anymore, she now claims he was abusing her. He went to rehab, and I moved him into an ASL near me, mom lived an hour a way. She visited him 1 or 2 times a week, they talk daily. Two years ago when new management took over the ASL I moved dad closer to mom, 40 min from me (I realize it was- big mistake moving him so far from me), she was complaining about her drive to him then. Dad is 92, dresses himself, takes his OTC meds, has shower help, reads NY times daily and never complains, in fact thru all he wanted mom to be happy. L Dad now has a supa pubic catheter, uses a walker for neurologically impaired. Mom is 88 complains to me non stop, every ache,pain, and everything else bad I hear. This winter she had vertigo, she is jealous of all with "well" husbands. Every week I spend 1day with dad and his doctors, another doing errands for mom, and the third is lunch either or both. I've had 2 spinal surgeries, some permanent nerve damage to arm and foot, and I have a great deal of pain, I use a cane some of the time. DH found out Tuesday that he's going into the hospital on Monday for angiogram and stent. I was talking to doctors on his behalf when mom called. When I called back she said how he could have done this and not pushed it on to me, I said he's my husband, I want to do it, she said that I have enough on my plate he should have made his own calls. Yesterday I took her to a doctor, I take dad and make all his appointments. My DH had 1 heart attack, has one stent, is a diabetic, and has renal issufiency, moms attitude is that's it's horrible, but feels his unhealthy eating, did it, so he did all to himself. DH is very good to my parents, his parents are deceased, but I was very good to them too. As a child I looked for her approval, but never got it, never had that " look", I was and am over weight, and couldn't wear cloths like a model, or like she does. Last summer mom decided to move...I was busy most of the summer, first apartments, them independent living. Now again she wants to look. I don't want another summer ruined, we have a pool, I want to enjoy it. Mom will not move where dad is, which is better for dad. Her closest friend moved to ASL last year with her husband. Mom found out thru a different friend that her friend is happy there, her friend never tells mom she's happy. When they go to lunch, her friend rushes home, mom thiught she was depressed. I think her friend is afraid for mom to move where she is, they have been friends for 65 yrs, use to spend 3 days a week together, they were like sisters. I just started on an antidepressant, I'm depressed, but also feel very frightened of my future, I never want my daughters to go through what I'm doing for my parents. I feel as though I have nothing but being dependent in my future, I'm 59, and do have some serious medical problems. My daughters are 29, they help me with my parents, but for sure I don't want this to be their responsibility. I feel as though my parents are ruining my life, mom will not move to same facility as dada, she refuses to sleep over, she makes us drive her and pick her up, in traffic it can be 2 hours and bring her home, sometimes my SIL takes her. The holidays are coming ..dinners....am I wrong to say if you don't stay here, you won't be at dinner? Dad I have to pick up, but mom won't drive to him because she is scared to drive at dark so two would have to go on return trip. Oh when mon looks at independent, or assisted living for herself she plans on getting a 1 bedroom apartment, and wants to buy all new furniture, because hers is old. Dad has a tiny room, I bought him bookshelves at ikea, a bench at homegoods, the rest is from the place, he shares a bathroom and kitchenette. When mom looked at places last year I was embarresed by her expressions of disgust when she didn't like something, like the old looking disabled residents. I told her to judge a book not by it's cover, but what's inside. I then told her that I always knew she didn't approve of me, that she never would have wanted me as a friend....she agreed! She later said she wasn't prepared for me to say this, I told her as a child I felt she was embarresed by me, she told me how sorry she was, that it was her problem how she use to hate heavy people. Of course later on she said it was my fault, and that I caught her off guard.. But said she's different now...unfortunately she isn't, only difference is she wants me around for my help. I told her how she use to go out to lunch 5days a week, but never invited me to join her until I was married, before it was only on my birthday. I told her she has to place less importance on looks...she has not changed! Mean while I'm busy with her and my dad, when she gave me dad she said he was ruining the few good years she had left....I feel as they are ruining my life. I have one brother, he came in for a day October 2012 the last time, he lives 41/2 hours by car, retired in dec, has been to Europe 2 times, is now in Florida looking for a new home. ( as a child, and adult, he had the look she wanted), my husband and I don't have the look, neither do my daughters who she accepts and loves, she was/ is a good grandmother. I don't know how I can do less, but the are ruining my life, and giving me nothing but the horrors of old age to look forward to.