What will it be like?

jatflaMarch 5, 2005

Ok...now that I've whined and complained and talked about how miserable I am, has anyone thought about what lies ahead for you? Boy, I have.

Unless we die in an accident, nuclear blast, etc., we will be in similar situations. What are your thoughts?

I really try to have compassion and pity. Most of the time I feel like if I wasn't so busy having a pity-party myself, I could be more useful.

I KNOW that our family members hate what has happened to them. They don't tell us about the *stuff* (from the other thread) cause it's too embarrassing and shameful.

My husband and I have already recognized that there will be no one to take care of us as we (no, honestly it's not a man thing)I have cared for others. As much as I love my children and hope they love us...it's just not *in* them to do what we have done. The self-sacrificing and family commitment is not a part of the current young adult generation. Or, maybe I'm wrong. What do you guys think and what, if any, are your plans?

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Would you really want your children to go through a life that you are now having? It would be nice if they wanted to, but have you raised them to do it? That's the thing, you were probably raised to do it as once there was no other way for the elderly. I have already told mine that under no circumstances are they to take me into their homes. I do not want them to think of me as something to pity.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2005 at 8:45AM
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I worked in a retirement community for 3 years as the nursing supervisor for home care. I saw my future every day, and no longer work there!

My parents lived in the same community for 10 years, and loved it. The whole process worked well for them, from independent living to assisted living, adult day care, then long term care. My kids were regular visitors to their grandparents all through their last 10 years, and aren't afaid of old people.

I am quite impressed with a (well run) Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC).

Eighty to 85% people in these communities are alert, oriented and fairly independent right up to the end. The residents I provided care for represented a small percentage of the total community, and many of them were in transition between levels of care.

I have been asked "the question" by my kids. I had already decided that I will move to a CCRC, probably in my 70's (unless my SS benefits are cut, and I end up living with my kids!). I don't expect them to care for me, but they don't seem to have a problem, should it come to that. They are very family oriented, decent, kind adults, as I'm sure most of our children are.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2005 at 11:05AM
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Our DD has already said "It's Shady Pines for you guys!" LOL!!! She's such a joy, and laughs saying this, but for all the world, no matter how she felt, I would NOT want her and her hubby going through what we're going through right now. We said Shady Pines would be nice...along a nice stretch of white sandy beach..;-)

We'll try to be as independent as we can be, but those nice cushy retirement homes around here are looking better all the time!

    Bookmark   March 6, 2005 at 2:46PM
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I think long term care insurance is something we need to research. I also think it's critically important to take care of our physical selves more carefully than our parents did. I can assure you, neither my mother nor my father were particularly mindful of their day to day and year to year health.

And, this is a purely personal opinion! it's my hope that the prohibition against euthanasia and assisted suicide will be lifted by the time I'm facing my last years on this planet. I realize that for many people the very mention of those things is horrifying. But for others that's not the case and I truly believe the OPTION should be available for the people facing the prospect of a long, lingering, painful end to their lives.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2005 at 2:10PM
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Food for thought, Chelone! Derry

    Bookmark   March 8, 2005 at 11:50AM
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Glad you brought this up. After raising kids for years, then taking care of MIL for 5, well almost 5 4 years and eight months, it is inedibly at some point in life we start thinking about this. Afterall what is left, but US, and what we will do. It really makes you start thinking at some point ,which is nearing ,and it is scary. I would not want ot have my children take me in, and have ot care for me. I have seen and felt the reprucusions, the mental crisis, as well as feeling cheated. I am a strong person tho, and dwelt with it, not sayign I liked it, but now that I have done it, feel pretty good I did.LIFE is short, and we must all think about this and what we will do. Ten years ago, it never entered my mind. Yep...assitted living is in the cards for me. It is scary to think someday your loved one, Dear Husband will pass on. Or vice versa..... We are only visiting here for a little while. Death can come sudden or linger on. I would love to be healthy and vital up until I die, this is not for us to decide, but whoever has the cards in the making, I hope mine are as said.....Hugs To you All...

Jafta....Things will change, believe me. I thought 6 months ago, my life was never going to be anything but caregiving...it happened so suddenly....NOW it is like what am I to do? no kids at home only me and DH...it can change OVERNIGHT.....Hugs Gabby

    Bookmark   March 9, 2005 at 12:17PM
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I think my biggest problem is going to be that I do not want someone waiting on me. I want to do for myself. I can't imagine letting my DIL clean my behind or empty my bedside commode or try to get food down me. I think too much of her and I have my own dignity. When the time comes that I need that kind of care, I want it to be done by someone that does it as a job, and not by someone that does it because she feels she should.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2005 at 2:36PM
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I saw my parents take in Dad's parents & aunt while I was growing up. Mom always said she'd never do that to her daughters. So when I took early retirement when Dad started to have more health problems, we built our home 8 mi away. Then with traffic being a monster, I told them I could not get there swiftly in an emergency. We wanted them to buy a home in our immediate neighborhood. So a little over a yr ago, at 81 & 84, they bought a lg new home, planning for a future un named caregiver. Last fall we found a wonderful daytime caregiver & I continued a routine of weekends & evening care, as well as all shopping & appts. A month ago, we also added the live in caregiver & it is working well for all of us. I wish they never need to be anywhere but their own lovely home, but time will tell.
As for my own 55yo dh & this 54yo, we recently bought a small free standing condo in a lg retirement community to summer in when we go north. I get to see the new kitchen during Easter vacation. There appear to be some choices in this area of FL when we get a bit older, but for now, we haven't given it much thought, other than we do not want our children to care for us.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2005 at 10:27PM
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Well we have a two fold problem, neither myself or Hubby can care for our son on our own. We have discussed this with him, and he agrees he will need to go to a care center if that happens. Our daughters have said they would care for us, but they cannot care for their brother.
Caring for a quadrapalegic is not something everyone can do, and especially the sisters. Our son doesn't want his sisters dressing him, bathing him, etc.
As for us, both daughters say they would take me in but I have told them a home would be best, taking care of dad is not something they either want to do, dad is too set in his ways, he would be better in a home also.
We spend more time worrying about losing the son, than our own problems. Our life has revolved around him and his care for over 20 years now.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2005 at 4:37PM
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