Tired and overwhelmed

melissasMarch 30, 2009

I have posted different questions here, but now I need to share the big picture, and get some advice.

My mil has Alzheimers, I'm guessing mid to mid late stage. I say guessing because my fil doesn't take her to the doctor. She was on Aricept, but he took her off it without consulting her physician. They were living with my sil and her husband. In December the husband died. My sil has been trying to help, but isn't as effective (understandably) since her husband died. My husband and his 3 brothers don't really help, just visit. My parents have been trying to help my 93 year old grandmother, who is having serious health issues. But she is refusing help, insisting she can do everything herself. She's always been mean, to put it bluntly, and is even more so now. Last week my beloved mother died. She was 70, and in reasonable health. Just a fluke illness, which she thought was a stomach bug, but turned out to be much worse. So now I am grieving, and worried about my father, who is worried about my grandmother.

On Friday and Saturday I saw my MIL and FIL, and they NEVER said anything about my mom dying. I was, and still am, in shock about this callousness. To top it off, the first thing my FIL says to me when he sees me is, "my wife stinks. I got her new soap, but she still stinks. What should I do?" I just smiled numbly and said, "I don't know, but if I think of something I'll let you know."

I don't want to grow bitter against my in-laws but I can't believe they didn't even acknowledge my moms passing.

I know I'm in mourning, and not thinking clearly. But it hurts. I hurt. I'm tired of worrying about my dad, whom I love dearly.

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falldowngobump

I'm so sorry to hear of your mothers passing, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You certainly have a lot going on with the family, and you must be exhausted with worry and grief.
I agree that your inlaws were lacking with sympathy for your loss. In my experience, my MIL does the same thing. It's almost like she is stuck in her own little world with her own concerns with little thought about anything else. When an ice storm hit in January, the power went out--no heat, no lights, no water, no cell or landline phone service and the roads impassable. I was frantic with worry about insulin, trying to stay warm and keeping her safe and healthy. She, on the other hand, was absolutely stressing about the fact that she was down to a half of bottle of her favorite rose water lotion. I wanted to scream. I don't know why they do or say the things they do.
I know it is little help to say don't stress or get hurt over it cause you already are. Take a deep breath and hang in there and hopefully it will get better. I really hope it gets better for you.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 12:50PM
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cearbhaill

Most times everyone is just wrapped up in their own little ball of misery and they forget to think about others.
I know it stings to not have your loss acknowledged, that is completely understandable.

It can all get overwhelming at times and with people on both sides of your family needing help it just has to be insane.
Take time for yourself and your Dad and let your husbands family worry about that end of things.

I'm so sorry you lost your mother- I know it must seem particularly unfair. Hang in these.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 1:19PM
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mariend

Is there some support groups you can go to? Can you contact the Alzheimers Assoc for some help? They might have someone you can talk with to give you support or ideas. This is something a person cannot go on their own. You are shocked and upset loosing your Mom and it will take time to accept it and yes you are angry at your inlaws which is natural. In their world, they may not know about it, or even care. You may need to step back and as cearbhaill stated let that side of the family deal with it. Maybe if you stay away for at least a month it will help you. Just be honest and tell them you cannot and will not deal with the problems at this time. Period, end of dicussion. Do you have some friends in any church you can at least talk to? Just remember here, you can vent and cry and we will listen and you will survive.
One thing, start writing down every day all the good things and even some of the bad/sad things about your Mom. Just a few lines will help.
Hugs and prayers are with you.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 5:07PM
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melissas

Thank you all for your kind words. Letting my husbands family worry about my mil is good advice. There is enough of them to share the load and the worry. I am hoping I will feel better after my mom's memorial service on Saturday. Thanks.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 5:15PM
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telly2

There is nothing in the world like losing your mother. Especially when she seems to be in decent health, and at a relatively young age. The same thing happened to me, so my heart goes out to you. I am now caring for my 84 year old MIL, who has dementia. It's not always easy, but I would like to think that had my mother lived to this age, I would gladly have cared for her as well. Sometimes the only way I can soothe my nerves is to remind myself that while she's not MY mother, she is a mother who is loved by her children and has given love in return all her life.
Having said all that, I agree that your husband's family should step up to the plate on this. You're dealing with your own tragedy and no one should be allowed to intrude on your own emotional healing. It is sad that your in-laws are wrapped up in their own world, but it doesn't surprise me. My MIL gives me a play-by-play numerous times a day on her aches & pains, etc. but she doesn't seem to notice when I'm not feeling well myself. I think maybe that comes with the territory.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 10:51PM
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donnawb

(((hugs))) I am so sorry that they didn't even acknowledge your loss. Some people get wrapped up in themselves. My DH's family is like that. They are into their problems and don't really care about yours. Every thing goes back to them and that was from years ago before they had other problems.

Let the in laws worry about their self now. I lost my Mom almost a year ago and it is a tough road to go down. Take some time for yourself to digest this and grieve.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2009 at 8:57PM
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jkom51

melissas, just hoping that things are going a little better for you! You can work through this difficult period. Just take things a day at a time. Don't let your in-laws upset you unnecessarily. They can't help it that in their eyes, only what happens in their lives is important and no one else counts. It's a kind of "tunnel vision" that develops in a lot of folks, and it's not your fault.

Remember to breathe deep, enjoy the sunshine on your face, and feel that your mom is in a place of peace and happiness. She still loves you and always will. You're strong enough to get through this.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 4:39PM
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