Elderly - when is enough, enough?

xminionMarch 26, 2014

Not a caregiver, but have a dear elderly friend in another state. Have been helping her with business, social, and medical problems - as much as is possible considering long distance.

We usually get to see one another at least once per year. She has had it in her head for the past year that the grim reaper is at her doorstep and I should drive up to see her.

I'd love to see her, but frankly, It costs money that I don't have as I'd have to stay in a hotel and take time from work.

She is well-situated monetarily. Should I ask for my expenses to be paid for the drive and hotel - or just let her pleas to meet fall on deaf ears?

Other than her, I don't have much experience with the elderly so I am posting here. Thanks so much.

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Gwarstong

If she wants you and nobody else (which may be reasonable) and you are willing (also reasonable, if you are) and she has the means (which you say she does) asking for compensation is quite reasonable/appropriate.

Could be a one-time thing wherein you make local arrangements for her so you don't have to do it again. If she is a "dear elderly friend" you're likely interested in rearranging her affairs so that neither of you has to worry about whatever the future holds.

Decide about your own limits before you engage.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2014 at 7:10PM
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colleenoz

If you're reluctant to ask for recompense, why not simply say to your friend what you've said here? "I'd love to come and see you but I just can't afford it at the moment, what with the travel and accommodation costs and having to get time off work. But I am saving up for the trip and as soon as I can afford to, I'll come."
Either she will have to accept that you'll come when you come, or she will offer to help with your expenses. If she offers and you're good with the timing, accept graciously and go :-)

    Bookmark   April 1, 2014 at 4:59AM
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emma

They gave you good advise. If cares about you she will offer help.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2014 at 12:56PM
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jannie

Colleenoz gave a great way to handle this. Tell the truth, and let her offer to reimburse you.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2014 at 3:51PM
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grandmamary_ga

We have a neighbor like that. Yes, she does have a brother in another state. But she doesn't seem interested in having him her to help her. She is 80 and he is in his late 70's. She asked another friend of hers to be the executor of her estate. She is asking her to sell many of her things now. She also asks my husband to do many things for her. She gets free lawn cutting from a local group. I think she can afford to have this done. She owns a very small . house. Cluttered and this may be why the friend has suggested that she sell many of her collectibles. She doesn't eat well, as she doesn't cook. She uses our phone to talk long distance to call her family. I don't think she has actually talked to her brother but his wife always answers the phone. She writes to them and I wonder if he reads her letters. So sad. Do what you have to do to help your friend. Whatever the cost.
Mary

    Bookmark   June 16, 2014 at 12:17PM
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