Am I right to be annoyed or am I just being a crappy daughter??

fluttercryMarch 28, 2014

Ok, so I'm 30 years old, married for 12 years with two kids. My mother moved right next door to me about 5 years ago and it's been pretty annoying ever since.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother very much but she asks for a lot and she's very lazy and the biggest drama queen ever. But now recently she's had some medical issues and last year in August, she said she couldn't hardly walk and needed to go to the ER, so of course I took her.

After many tests, they couldn't figure out what was wrong. She slowly got worse but was still able to drive and do things on her own but needed a cane to walk with. Of course, I'm not THAT crappy of a daughter, I help(ed) her out as much as possible.

But in early Feb of this year, she finally got a diagnosis of what is wrong with her, avascular necrosis, meaning her hip bones are not getting the blood they need and are dying. She needs a hip replacement. But doesn't have health insurance so she can't get it. Her doctors told her she'll have to wait till Sept of this year when she turns 65 and is eligible for medicare.

Ok, but the point I'm getting to is that as soon as she found out what it was exactly that was wrong with her, she immediately said she couldn't drive anymore that it was much too painful, when before that she was taking herself everywhere, so I'm stuck taking her wherever she needs to go.

I know I sound like a horrible person but you'd have to know my mom. She's very lazy and will stay in bed ALL day long, she's never liked cleaning and has always had a messy house since I was a child. But that's not the problem.

I just feel like, how could she be taking herself wherever she needed and then as soon as she knows what's wrong with her, she can't drive or go anywhere or even make it down her own front steps alone??

I've been to her drs appts with her and her drs say that this disease is slow progressing and she should be able to wait till sept to have surgery so in the mean time they're just focusing on pain management. And she takes sooo many pain pills everyday. And says they still don't take care of her pain.

Now the reason I get so annoyed with her is that she'll stay up all night long (I know because she'll be sharing, posting and commenting on things on Facebook) and then complain in the morning.

Let me give you an example, she had an appt this morning at 10 am to get an iron infusion. She was up very late last night (I know from seeing her facebook) and then texts me this morning that she rescheduled her appt for 1pm this afternoon because "she is in such a bad way this morning and can't hardly move and had such a terrible night"

I had a lot of thing to do this afternoon and I told her that and she just gets all mad at me like I just don't want to help her at all when I take her to all her appts and cook and clean for her. Do her grocery shopping and everything.

Now am I wrong to feel like she's exaggerating on her pain level just so that she can have people do everything for her? She's always said she never knew why old people wouldn't want to live in nursing homes cause she would love to live in one and have everything done for her.

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I only read the first two paragraphs but I would suggest that you make sure she signs up for the Affordable Care Act/Obamacare right away. Even if she waits until next September to access Medicare there is no guarantee she will immediately have a hip replacement. She has until Monday, 3/31/14 to sign up or go online and do enough to show interest so that she can have until April 15th to complete the registration. There are many clinics and organizations that will help her sign up. I am sure they are swamped with last minute people so she might as well be among them.

When I return from my dad's doctor appointment I will respond to the rest of your post.

Good luck and do delay. Call right now or get online and begin registration.


    Bookmark   March 28, 2014 at 6:36PM
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Gretchen Wood

If you have a senior center in your area you should contact them and maybe get some relief of someone else to take her to her appointments and do her shopping.

    Bookmark   March 28, 2014 at 6:46PM
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CA Kate

Um... First of all... You are not a bad daughter. You need to define your own parameters and then stick to them. When she learns you are not her servant she will, hopefully, stop making unreasonable demands. She has been laying guilt trips on you your whole life and may never stop... because she's a Poor Me personality. You need to stop reacting to her manipulation.

Second... Are you sure you have her diagnosis right? The treatment for poor bloodflow to bone isn't a hip replacement, but rather something much less invasive. They drill holes in the bone which causes new vascular growth in the bone. I've had several friends and one relative with this diagnosis and all had the same procedure. If she hasn't had a second or even a third opinion, I think you should consider doing so.

Please don't let her ruin your day with her demands. And, I wish you Luck.

    Bookmark   March 28, 2014 at 7:15PM
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I completely understand why you are so annoyed, and I would be feeling the same way if I were in your shoes. I think the suggestion of finding an organization to provide some relief for you is the key. Are there any organizatilns that provide meals? It used to be called meals on wheels years ago.

Another concern is that she's so willing to lose her independence. I would hate for her to think she needs to rely on you for the rest of her life. Good luck and keep us posted!

    Bookmark   March 28, 2014 at 7:18PM
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I finally got to read your whole post. I bet you are feeling like tearing your hair out because she sure doesn't seem to value your time or that you have other things to do. I am so sorry.

My dad will be 91 in July and had hip/femur surgery in November and, sadly, it just hasn't healed. The next step is a partial hip replacement with a titanium rod inserted in the femur. What I have noticed is that on the days he has pain he can't seem to hand me his lunch or dinner plate or mail in order for me to clean up. I think it is a mental decision that they can't do the simplest of things.

I think contacting any senior centers or any senior programs available through government services might be a great start. There are organizations that will take your mom grocery shopping or to appointments if they are fairly local. Some charge, some take donations and some are totally free. Many grocery stores have online ordering and will deliver to her home for a fee. That could be a lifesaver for sure.

Do insist on being in charge of her calendar or you won't be able to attend or drive. She cannot make decisions for you when you are the ride.

Let us know what you have decided to do and know that we all support you and most have gone through (or are going through) similar situations. The is a great place to vent!


    Bookmark   March 28, 2014 at 9:47PM
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What ever you do not sign your name for her's. If you must sign her name the by and your name. Better yet get a power of attorney. If you don't you will be liable for her bills.

If you have taxi's in your are next time she wants you to take her somewhere tell her that you will be glad to call her a cab but you have already have something that you must do during that time. Very hard to do but necessary if you want any time for YOUR family.

You might try to talk her into living in an assistant living group. Depending on facility she may have to pay extra for some things such as meals and housekeeping.

As Robyn mentioned we support you and when(not if) you need to vent just do it.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2014 at 2:22PM
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I sympathise but, in your mother's defence, it may be that she is up late because she can't settle and is too restive to sleep. And while she may be on lots of pain medications, unless you are in her brain you can't know how effective or not they are.
But, as others have said, you should make it clear to her that you cannot be at her beck and call, and that she will have to organise some additional help as you can't do it all.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2014 at 4:54AM
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I understand where you are at. I took care of my husband who had AZ for 4 years, then I started having health issues, dangerous ones. I had to put him in a care home, it was his life or mine. If you tell her she needs a care home because you are not able to do everything she needs and take care of yourself also. Maybe the words "care home" will make her get out of bed. Or the doctor may suggest she needs a care home if he finds out she is unable to take care of yourself. It's worth a try.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2014 at 1:03PM
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You are not a crappy're a tired one. As others have said, set boundaries & stick to your guns.

My siblings & I do my mom's dr appts, dialysis appts, groceries, meals, etc. Thankfully, she can still stay at home alone. Do you have family near who can help? I work for a non-profit that does light housekeeping (no lawn work, for example) like laundry, meal prep, bathroom cleaning, etc. It helps a lot of the seniors in my area stay in their own homes. The dr's office, hospital, perhaps the chamber of commerce can give you some ideas. Her PC dr should be a big help or at least direct you to an organization with which to start.

I don't get to read the posts very often, but I do understand being overwhelmed & just plain tired. You stated your mom's a Drama Queen, & I know that has to be so much more difficult to handle. Pop in & vent any time you need to vent.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2014 at 12:26PM
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You've gotten some great advice. When my Mom was still alive, I told her that I could do things with/for her on specific days/times.

So I said "I can help you on Tuesday mornings and Thursday afternoons. Anything other than those days, you'll have to ask me at least two weeks in advance." And stick to it!

Good luck. You are a good daughter!

    Bookmark   April 4, 2014 at 4:33PM
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You are not a daughter, I know how you feel. My MIL is great at manipulating and pity parties. Last week she went to the ER 3x because she had a bladder infection and had trouble breathing. She refuses to drink water, which causes one of these problems; prefers coke and coffee. While in the ER she tells me she wants me to know how much she loves me because she feels the end is near. Then a pause. Could I put on Days of Our Lives, it was time now!

She's in assisted living and talks about how they sing after dinner, she gardens and how happy she is there. But in the same breath she says she's depressed, worthless, cries, won't eat. She has always wanted to live with us and I have refused, I know how that would go. My husband takes her shopping, Dr appts, and we take her to dinner every week. BTW, she has 3 other sons. My mother lived with us for 5 years until she passed away, I think I've paid my dues.

Other suggestions made here are very helpful, and there are a few that I'm going to use when dealing with my MIL.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2014 at 8:40PM
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Please follow the advice from all the previous posters. They have given you such good advice. Take care of yourself and your own family. Do you have siblings? If so can they help you. Just because she moved next door to you doesn't make you her care giver.

    Bookmark   June 16, 2014 at 12:00PM
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