Tired and Hopeless
Here's my story. In April of 2002, I was living and working in another town. My brother calls me one night and says my mother is at one of the neighbors' houses and she refuses to come home with him. (His house and Mother's are next to each other.) I told him I would be right there. So I get some things together and drive home - 55 miles. When I get there I see the situation isn't going to improve any time soon so I move home. I have been here with Mother ever since. She is 89. I am the youngest of three. Single, no children. Mother and I were always close so I was the most logical one to take care of her.
I have been taking care of her for almost 3 years now and I am totally physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I have one sister but she lives 100 miles away, has a large family and takes no interest whatever in wanting to help out with Mother. She seems to think it is not her responsibility. She comes maybe once every month or every two months, brings some junk food for Mother to eat, stays maybe a couple of hours, thinks she has done her duty and goes home. After she leaves it takes me the rest of the day to calm down about her insensitivity.
My brother is a little better after I blew up a couple of months ago and told him how tired I was and that I needed some help and some breaks once in a while. I am trying to hold my job, which is 55 miles away. So far I have been able to do it thanks to understanding bosses. My sister-in-law has been the biggest help. After I told my brother I needed help, she started coming over and giving Mother her lunch everyday and helping with the bedding and other things. He also comes over once a day and does little things like taking the garbage out. It may not sound like much but just the little things like that help me so much.
But they aren't here enough to understand the strain and drain of it all. It is a 24/7 job. Mother has dementia and can't think clearly enough to go to the potty at night which is right next to her bed without a little help. Sometimes she can manage but when she moves around making noise and wakes me up, I go and help her otherwise it takes her forever and it takes me forever to go back to sleep.
Now I am so tired and drained. I feel like I can't go another day. I feel like God has completely forsaken me and my Mother.
I have been wondering lately what will happen to me when and if I get old. There is certainly no one to take an interest in caring for me like I have been caring for Mother. And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't want them to. Why should anyone disrupt their lives the way I have disrupted mine. I don't regret doing it, but I do regret not being given enough physical strenght to do it. Sometimes in the mornings I fall into the car to go to work crying because I am so tired. So I am going to start checking out the assisted living facilities for myself for down the road. I am really in the dark about these sort of places. They make them seem perfect but I don't know.
All I know is I am tired, disgusted with people, life and God. I am worried about my own future. All this isn't doing my own health any good.
That's my story.