I need help with something please.

AffynityFebruary 11, 2011

Hello everyone, hmmm... should I start from the beginning or to the present moment. I will do a quick run through and elaborate on the present...

2005- A elderly man moves in next door. Has a new but tiny one bedroom mobile home. He is nice and befriends my little boy.

2006- We become really good friends, his daughter comes by and visits him and I admire their relationship. Continue being a good neighbor and friend. My son loves being around him and learning things from this man. I start driving him to his doctor's appointments, and helping him with things he needs to have done.

2007- Neighbor starts inviting me and my son for dinner once a week and sharing more about his life, etc...I start noticing he is very very lonely and that he is having more health issues. Daughter never helps with his health issues so I stepped up and started helping more and more.

2008- He gets a computer so my son can play games when he comes over. And then he asks me to help him more and more.He had a huge open sore on his leg. I asked him if he had it looked at. He said he is taking care of it...

2009- My father passed away he bought me and my son a plane ticket to go to my fathers funeral in florida. I paid him back in full when I got back. Was in florida a month. When I got back I noticed he had another large sore on his leg. I moved in with him to help him. Yes, his daughter visited but she never helped him. He couldn't walk or stand long so I did most of the cooking and cleaning for him.

2009(end)-2010-I personally called his doctor regarding the sores on his legs and the doctor said he had no idea what I was talking about. I arranged for him to get to a critical care wound center and have been living with him ever since, being a caregiver. I still have my home next door but he needed constant care, more and more and more.His wounds healed after skin grafts and I took him to his doctor visits which was around 3 a week for the whole year. Vascular Venous surgery too lots of healing needed to be done. Problem was making him rest he would not rest.

2011- I am still here. January...he decided he was going to put his car and little mobile home in my name, in case something happened to him, and give me POA to continue paying his bills for him. Well, on the day I took him to his doctor visit he was really so weak. I was alarmed and I notified his doctor when I took him inside. The doctor said she would check on my concerns and I could go do my errands he should be done in an couple of hours. I went to buy a large shower transfer stool, I was so afraid he would fall in there and thought it might help with getting him in and out of the shower easier. When I got back the receptionist said the doctor had called an ambulance and he needed to go to the hospital.

I ran back to him and he looked so different his skin had become yellowish and he seemed so weak.Well we got him to the hospital emergency room, and I asked him if I should call his daughter. He freaked out, and started screaming no, no, no. The nurse said don't say what ever you said again please. Well he was admitted to MICU, and I discussed with them about calling his daughter and they asked him again. He almost had a heart attack screaming nooo. This went on for 3 days and he did not allow us to contact his daughter. Now note this reaction was duly noted by the doctors and staff on his records. Ok, my problem is after he finally calmed down and was reassured that his advance directive had me and another of his friends on it he finally allowed us to call his daughter...

She ignored me and has called social services saying that I am doing elderly financial abuse. I was contacted by them and they also talked to him. He told them that I have control and his daughter is not to touch any of his money, or have decision making regarding his treatment. You ask why he reacted this way? His daughter told him before,that all old people should just die, and he never wanted her in control over his life decisions. Now she is hiring a lawyer, what should I do? I know, I am not doing anything wrong, I just fear the costs of this type of ordeal. I just get the things he asks me to get,I pay his bills, etc...Honestly this man does not have alot of money, he has given her most of his money already, the money he has left will most likely go into his long term care. But she feels she is entitled to his money now. It's his money, and even though he gave me his car and little home I would sell it (cause really its his), if he ran out of money so he could have continued care...I think he was worried she would take everything from him and pull the plug on him.

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Wanted to add the following:
He has just been diagnosed now with a cancerous tumor on one of his kidneys, and the doctor said he would die in 3 months if he does not have the kidney/tumor removed. He is so frail from the heart failure and first rehab/nursing home treatment and he developed a huge level 3 bed sore while he was there what a horrible place, I wonder why the hospital sent him there in the first place. I discussed this new problem with the other person he placed on his advanced directive, and we are going to his appointment on tuesday to talk with this doctor. Also, I found a rehab/nursing home closer to his house that has a 4 star rating and is so nice and the staff so friendly, I had him moved there. I asked them to get him a air mattress for his bed sore and its healing up quickly. He won't allow his daughter to come visit him because of her accusing me of things, that I personally had no control over. He has now asked one of the staff there to send someone to him to help him have her removed from his will. I told him to just relax and calm down, and not do anything like that. He said he is going to leave everything to a charity, if I don't want it. I have no control over what he does with his will its his decision and I don't want to know. I do know that he is so angry at his daughter, and really they became estranged last year, and I did not get involved with that family issue, as I believe it is something they need to work out on there own. Actually, I was hoping he would be allowed to come home after he recovered and they could hopefully work things out.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2011 at 12:56PM
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Hi Affynity - please know that I really know nothing about the legalities. Anything I say is just opinion.

It's unfortunate that the legal items weren't taken care of before you got so involved. I am absolutely not siding with the daughter, but I can see where she may have cause to think that you are infringing (not that you are!). And she may even be able to win.

You said he has a one bedroom and you moved in. Did your little boy move in, too? Where are you and your son sleeping? If the daughter has a thought that you and he have a "relationship" (maybe you do and maybe you don't - that's not the question here), she also may have more fuel.

I think you should see a lawyer and see what you can do to protect yourself. And, if your friend really wants his daughter out, help him to make sure he talks to a lawyer, too. You just don't want to make it look like you're forcing his hand.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2011 at 2:39PM
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Google "laws caregiver undue influence" and read some of the articles. Even if you are the best caregiver and working in your friend's best interests, there are more cases of abuse, by far.

I agree with Susieque, you need to talk to an attorney.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2011 at 2:58PM
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Affynity, any update?

    Bookmark   February 21, 2011 at 9:06AM
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I agree you need an attorney, but if you haven't used any of his money inappropriately you will be ok. They can audit all they want. She may get the house and the car back if she gets a sympathetic judge but I don't think so if you have done nothing wrong.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2011 at 8:47PM
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