Mom is lonley and demanding

gail williamsFebruary 20, 2010

Im going to try to be brief.... My mother was a only child and a British Warbride.Married and moved to the states,worked in an office , had 2 kids My brother and I.

She never learned to drive (my father took her to work every day, picked her up for lunch took her back and picked her up at the end of the day.(he had his on business soo was able to. He took her everywhere she needed to go... get the picture?? Well, Dad (I was a Daddys girl) Died in 98, my uncle then took over driving her around but he died in 99. in 2000 after one of her friends called me to say "you have to move her closer to you" (what she was really saying is get her outa here shes to needy and dependant on her friends) So we moved her to the city where we (my husband and I) lived. She was in a retirement community, you know dining room and trips etc.. She still was always asking "When am I going to see you" every day. I did my best (while working) to see her and take her out etc... FAST FORWARD-- we bought a vacation house in a mountain community and decided to live there full time ( I had retired) I offered Mom to go to a new retirement place 20 miles from me (closest one) but she said the town was to small for her liking and moved to one near my brother (Better Trips in a large city 2 hrs from me) Ok , what ever.... I tried to visit 1x month and she basicly was putting all her guilt trips on my brother . Well, recently we decided her money was running out and we had to move her again... the only option was to a regular apartment 1 mile from where I live. I never dreamed in a million years what this would really mean... I started out by cooking all her meals and bringing them over every day... then planning an outing once a week shopping etc and then dinner at our house on sunday. She was still demanding telling me she needed me to come more to break up her day... I hired a wonderful lady who could take her 1 day a week to the hair dresser ,shopping etc. but still not enough.. I recently went on a 1 week vacation (had to make arrangements for my brother to stay 3 days and the 1 day helper and I made all the meals for her fridge, which by the way were still there when I returned as she only eats cheese and sweets (diabetic too)))and decided then that cooking all these different meals for us and my mother was to much for me..(oh, I do work from home now as a jewelry artist and painter , although my mother doesnt seem to think thats work and she should be able to interupt when ever she wants... After returning from my week away I decided I was not going to make her meals anymore (we were going to order them from a delivery service) and that I also was not going to visit every day... My brother also informed her of this fact and that I also have a Husband and life).. I am still looking for activities for her and took her yesterday to the closest senior center (shes 85 , by the way) we had lunch and met some nice people...she liked it! so now I have to try to find transportation for her as we live 20 miles thru the country from the place. I was so happy I finally thought she would find something to make her happy. But No!!! this morning she calls me up and says ya know, I think you need to hire someone to come over here every day if you cant come. I said what about the senior center? it would be great if you could go twice a week... and she says oh , I dont know , maybe when the weather gets better... (those are her famous words..she wont even walk 20 yds to her mail box until the weather gets better..(we live in the south) .. basicly, my Mother is selfish and only thinks about herself.. I never got along with her my whole life as I am a real independant type and have made my own life. and she was sooo dependant. I resent her more every day and am even thinking "gee, what would it take to put her in a nursing home" I guess by now you all think wow , what a horrible daughter.... me too sometime ... but there you have it. there is really so much more but no time here... I hope some of you have had this type of experience and maybe can give me some needed advise... gail

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Over the years she has ruled everyone's life. Started out with husband, did not encourage her to become independent, then Uncle and now you and your brother. I would suggest some counseling/talking to either a support group or go to the Counsel on Ageing. They will give you guidelines, help and support on this situation. You are not a horrible daughter, just one who needs to get your life back on track. You did not mention if you have any children. If not, this might be a wakeup call to pre-plan your future life.
Another thing, make sure that for your brother and yourself, her medical and legal information is all up to date. Make sure that you and your brother are authorized to handle her medical and finanical items because if she cannot communicate, you can do nothing We contacted Social Security, and Blue Cross, got everything signed who can take over etc. Also the hospital has everything on file. This we did thru a lawyer. Rember the new laws restrict any information on a person. If she has to go to the hospital without this information, you cannot find out any information.
Remember, support group, legal stuff and talk to someone at either the Senior Center, or the social worker at the hospital
Good luck

    Bookmark   February 20, 2010 at 6:18PM
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gail williams

Thank You Mariend... Yes, You are right.. I am working on her medical and legal stuff. We have an appointment with her Dr this week and I am going to ask her to prescribe Zoloft for her.. Seems (according to "my" Dr) that Zoloft helps people who "dwell" on things (such as her lonliness and dependence on me??) I have told her this and she welcomes the medication...
as for me... I have no children, and you are right..I would not want to be a burden on anyone unless I Pay them!!! Amazing how much all of us "baby boomers" are learning about what "not" to do in old age! Thanks Again, Im so happy to have found this forum!

    Bookmark   February 21, 2010 at 9:10AM
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Just wondering how things are going for you and your mother. You sound like you have done so much for her in the past, and I can totally understand things from your point of view. I worked as a nurses's aide for 26 years, doing much home care, so I got close to a lot of clients, patients & families. My former step MIL sounded like your mother, being diabetic, loved sweets, and was demanding to say the least, to her husband, but always was pleasant to me. Had she not passed away a few years ago, I wonder if she'd have been like this. Anyhow, how are things going for you/ Let us know. Hope it's improved.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2010 at 9:39AM
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gail williams

Thanks for thinking of us..... Alot has happened in the past week!!! Mom was at my house for sunday dinner when she tripped over my dog, fell and Yep.... Broke her Leg! It has been an awful week, She had surgery on monday, and while going 25 miles one way to see her, I was also going 25 miles the other way to find a Nursing Rehab center that was rated well, and seemed good to me... finally found one ( I hope) and Mom went in on Thursday. Shes not eating and feels sick all the time. the nurse said it might be the pain meds... she also is having a hard time breathing... shes been on oxygen for years (2 litres) but latley up as hi (after the surgery ) as 15!! down to 7 at the moment.. but shes awful weak. I have asked them to give her fruit and cottage cheese as thats all she will really touch .. I feel guilty that she tripped over the dog, but my Husband says it was probably going to happen sooner or later as she tripped a coupla months ago over an entry of a door. I feel terrible that she is really not ready to stay in a nursing home(after rehab) but she makes $27.00 to much social security to qualify for medicaid to pay for assisted living!!! really not fair. She would be unable to live with me as I live in a 3 story house with no bedrooms on the main floor only top and bottom and the stairs are to narrow for one of those chairs... I live on a hillside on a mountain lake. soooo its either she goes back to her apartment (with ALOT of help) or stays in the nursing home..... all depends... we'll see .

    Bookmark   May 1, 2010 at 10:11AM
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