I couldn't help her.
My mom passed away last month. I was caregiver for her in her last days. She underwent surgery for her knee, got through it well. She went home the next day and I was left at her care for her remaining 12 days. The first days I thought I could handle it and she would be alright. I was still working, but not full time. Then when one week had passed, I came home after shopping and buying stuff she needed for her leg and she was sitting on the floor with a black eye, told me she had been there for an hour more less. That broke my heart. She had gotten up, she knew she shouldn't, but wanted to smoke without me seeing her.
Then I took free days at work to be with her all day.
On the day before she died, we went to see her doctor, it was all well with her leg, only that she wasn't eating, and he told me if she didn't start eating more, she'd have to be hospitalised. I wish I had told him to do it then and there.
The next day she passed. Turns out she had an ulcer we didn't know about, and a medication she was taking provoked a massive digestive hemmorage. At the moment I couldn't believe what happened, but in hindsight I started thinking and there where many signs that she wasn't well and I should have known! I won't go into details, but it strikes me as bizarre how in that moment I didn't realize she wasn't ok and called the paramedics right away. I feel guilty that I wasn't the capable caregiver she needed. That she went through so much suffering without me realizing.
If I had more common sense I could have saved her. She'd be alive today. I felt short in so many aspects that it adds to the sadness of losing her.
My only little consolation is that my mom knows I wouldn't hurt her and would give anything to go back to that day and be able to help her.
Thanks for reading, I just wanted to talk about it.
This post was edited by Sad-33 on Wed, Feb 6, 13 at 10:21