Roommate's Ex-Con bf Living in Apartment

nikchick04December 13, 2006

Hi there,

I am a Junior in college, living in an off-campus apartment with 2 roommates. We moved into the apartment this past August, and had planned to stay there until the end of next year, when we graduate. Roommate A and I lived together in an on-campus apartment last year. Roommate B is a friend of ours from work (the 3 of us work together on campus) - She has been living at home for the past 2 years and commuting to school.

In September, Roommate B's ex-con boyfriend, who had just gotten out of prison, started staying with us. Originally, he was just staying for a couple of days, which turned into weeks. Then he started looking for a job in our area (he is from out-of-state) and Rommate B approached us and asked if he could stay until he "got on his feet". Her bf is a very nice guy, despite his shady past, and we genuinely like him, so we agreed that he could stay until Jan. 1, if he paid a portion of the rent and electricity - After that he had to find someplace else.

As it so happens, the bf's job fell through (due to his felony charges) and has been unable to pay us the rent as promised. In addition, he and Roommate B got into a HUGE, violent fight (at the apartment). The bf ended up leaving and going back to New Hampshire, which Roommate A and I were happy about, because we didn't want to deal with the situation anymore.

Now Roommate B has just informed us that he is going to be living with us again because he has found another job here. We told her that he is going to have to find someplace else, as we know this is going to turn into the same situation as before - He's going to end up staying for month after month, and I'm not sure I trust that we will ever get rent money. Also, we are uncomfortable with him and his prison friends in our apartment, and we have to listen to him and Roomate B fighting constantly. All of these issues have caused bittness among us, and these are things that we have talked to her about repeatedly, but she doesn't seem to get it. As winter break starts at the end of the week (1 month long) and Roommate A and I will be going home for most of the break, we are concerned that he is going to be living there while we are gone, which we aren't comfortable with.

Any advice here? What can we say to her to make her realize that this is not negotiable, while hopefully maintaining the friendship (and living situation)? If she continues to have him living with us, is there anything legally that we can do about it, especially since he is not on the lease? (hoping it doesn't come to that). We live in Connecticut, by the way.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hey there. Just remind her that if he isn't on the lease and is staying there full time that you could be evicted... I guess it would be hard to prove though. If you do decide to let him back, don't do it without taking back rent for the previous time. But you sound like you've made up your mind, and I agree with your desicion not to let him back. This friend doesn't sound like a friend at all considering that she is going against both of your wishes (yours and the other roomates) and endangering your safety by letting convicts in, AND putting you at the risk of being evicted. I say if she can't respect you, she wouldn't be a great loss. Print my response and put it on the fridge door with a magnet... she'll get the hint :O) People do some crazy things for what they perceive to be love... You might suggest they get their own place together and you will take out an add for another roomate. Good luck with the situation.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2006 at 12:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It might be time to talk to your landlord about how to get out of the lease, or how to force HER out of the lease. And perhaps find out what your landlord would do if he DID stay w/ you while not on the lease. And once you have that info, tell her:

"this is not negotiable. He cannot live here. He cannot stay with you. He cannot VISIT here. If he does, we will kick you out, or we will abandon you."

Honestly, that's about the only leverage you have (short of calling his parole officer, if he has one, should he be in violation of parole--like, hanging out w/ other ex-convicts--so that he gets sent back to the slammer)

So, a little quick homework on alternate living situations, and lease-breaking protocol, to pack into your days w/ finals and Christmas shopping.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2006 at 1:27PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I agree with talley_sue_nyc. Research alternative living situations and ask the landlord to give you a written warning detailing how many tenents are legally allowed to be in your apt. Make it look like someone other than you reported an extra person. This way Roommate B won't feel like you ratted even though you have a perfect right to.

This also sounds like it could turn into a dangerous situation for you and Roommate A. Especially since he has already proved he can be violent. Can you trust the con and his friends not to go through your things when you aren't home? He hasn't paid the back rent yet wants to move back in? When you go home for your break, make sure you take anything/everything you value with you. If con isn't working, he might fence it if he runs out of money again.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2006 at 11:29AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It's quite obvious that your roommate doesn't "get it". That is not YOUR problem. I imagine that like most people that you have your own problems, but this is not one of yours, it's one of HER problems. More specifically, it's one of HIS problems that SHE is trying to solve FOR HIM by making it YOUR problem. What convoluted thinking on their part. I personally would be so fed up by her lack of boundaries and invasion of my space that I would go directly to the landlord and be totally honest with him regarding what's going on. You like your apartment and don't wish to violate the lease and thus risk losing it, but this inconsiderate knucklehead is putting everyone at risk. SHE is choosing to violate the lease. She, in fact has a CHOICE whether to let the b/f move in or not. She is CHOOSING him over you two and the honoring the lease. The choices we make have consequences. If SHE does not understand this, there's not much YOU can do to help her. You do not "owe" her anything. Also, do you and your other roommates parents know that an excon is to be living with you against your wishes? If my daughter called me up and told me that this was what was going on, I'd be on my way up there in a hearbeat with a couple of buddies to have a "talk" with the jailbird. Be assertive and absolutely unequivical. Good luck and happy holidays.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2006 at 10:25AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The average landlord would not be pleased to know a party not on the lease is living in your apartment. This situation is leaving the landlord wide open to all kinds potential problems and liability. There are municipal codes for occupancy limits to consider, liability exposure, damage to the premises (which the bf has not contributed toward via the security deposit, and he therefore has no vested interest in caring whether the property is damaged in an argument, etc.)

My leases have a specific clause that state the 'premises will only be occupied by' and then go on to specifically list each occupant by name (this includes minor children, even part-time) to prevent this very situation and allow me to legally enforce it.

From a personal standpoint, you all are at a stage where you are building your future, and certain events at this juncture can and will impact your ability to maneuver through life after you graduate. You have the opportunity to build good references here that will eventually carry you to a nice apartment of your own or be a stepping stone to asking a lender for funds to purchase your own home. Get things in perspective: do you want a negative, transitory situation on the part of a college roommate to potentially ruin your chances at securing a decent roof over your head in the future? You would not believe the number of times I've heard, when reviewing someone's application and credit report, the statement "it was a dumb thing I did while I was in college", as if that makes it all OK and with an understanding wink the landlord will look the other way. Not necessarily so. I have seen credit reports that reflect a court Judgment from a prior living situation (typically for damages done to a residence). No way is that person going to be living in any properties I own. It's just too much of a risk to take as a property owner. And sadly, those same people can't find a decent landlord in town who will lease to them. So if bf gets drunk/violent enough to cause some major damage, the only way your landlord is going to recover the damages is to take bf and all those on the lease to court. So you would be party to it and named in the Judgment as well. If you and roommate A end up on that road, even indirectly, you're jeopardizing your future far worse than you can imagine. I'm not saying you'll never find a place to live. There are plenty of bug-infested, falling-apart dumps out there where the landlord only cares about the rent check. But if you want a nice, clean, well-maintained place to call home, you're at risk of losing it before you ever get it.

Obviously this girl is not much of a friend, is drawn to bf's that are unhealthy for her (violence) and her willingness to put roommates at risk and/or jeopardize their future demonstrates the depth of her 'friendship'.

Let the landlord know that Roommate B wants to bring in a 4th person that makes you and Rmmate A extremely uncomfortable. Tell him/her you're happy there, you want to stay, and ask for the landlord's help in blocking this because you can't reason with B. Stress to him/her you want no hard feelings. The landlord should appreciate this act of maturity and responsibility on your part and a simple letter should be enough to stop this situation in its tracks. (And if B ends up having to go because she won't budge, it's better for you in the long run, truly.) One last word of caution: be very careful about how much you reveal, if any, about the bf having already lived there in the past, the jail term, the arguments, etc. You might find too much information will make your landlord edgy enough to non-renew your lease.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2006 at 8:11AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You should discretely pack your belongings and disappear. It doesn't matter how good a freind one may claim to be. When your own personal safety or well being is at stake, it's time to go. if you can afford it, get a place on your own. From my personal experience, it gets expensive but well worth it. Even if you have to swallow your pride and stay with parents or a relative, get away.

This may sound judgemental to some people, but I do not associate with ex-cons. I deliberately avoid them, as well as anybody possibly involved in illegal activities. Don't get yourself, in trouble or hurt because of somebody else's shady characteristics.

    Bookmark   December 25, 2006 at 7:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Easy. Like several others have said, talk to landlord, explain situation. Have landlord issue some sort of warning; ask him to make it look like somebody else was complaining ("Some of the other tenants have told me you have someone else living here, and there's been noise and fights. If I find out that's true, you'll be in violation of your lease agreement" something like that).

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 7:05AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Temporary Housing
The post tell us fine information about the housing....
Found these bugs in my apartment , please identify
Found a bunch of these bugs in my apartment and am...
Apartment Owners from H**L
We live in the east in a gated apartment complex owned...
What is it with crazy people and parking spaces?
I live in an apartment otherwise known as the 'beehive'...
Finding apartment in Cary NC?
Hi, I am a single mom of two moving into Cary NC area...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™