Making Sure He Leaves!

belleftlJuly 20, 2009

Here are the facts:

I live with my boyfriend and his brother. Their friend asked for help to get away for home issues for a few months. The friend, 31yrs of age still lived at home with his mother. He tried to move in with his ex-girlfriend, after she bought a new house, expecting to live there for free and see whomever he wanted. I guess she was going to consider it if they got back together but, he said he was no longer interested in her. So live at home in a bad situation or mooch off of his childhood "friends". My boyfriend came to me and asked if it were okay for their friend to move in with us for a couple of months. I wasn't really okay with it, but I know that if I were in that situation I would hope my friends would help me out, so I said yes. Well, a couple of months, went to through the summer and that went to 6 months.

I had a long serious talk with my boyfriend about how this sort of abuse of trust will affect our relationship if his friend is not out of here during the allotted time. This was understood. I made it clear at this point (if it was not made clear to him earlier) that I don't like living with a lot of people and having to deal with their guests (meaning one night stands, loud obnoxious buddies that don't clean up after themselves, nor strangers). Nor do I like to wake up to a dirty kitchen, which until this day continues to be a problem. This guy doesn't work and he only helps around the house if he is told/asked to. They (the brothers) tried to have him pay less rent and then the three of us split the rent equally. I told my boyfriend that he is not my friend nor my responsibility. The rent will be split four ways and they need to cover whatever he cannot. So that is how it is happening. Glad I stood up to that.

The guy now has some women coming and going as she pleases (she has yet to spend the night at her own house whcih is almost a month now, not to mention the loud un-sexy noises she makes when they are having sex) I have been dealing with.

At first I did not acknowledge the guy and figured instead of being rude and not acknowledge him that I would be the bigger person and be respectful to him since he would be "OUT!" in a few months.

I need to make sure he leaves when he is suppose to and not prolong his stay for any reason whatsoever, no exceptions. He has been disrespectful and unappreciative (I forgot to add that I hired him on my job when he first moved in because my boyfriend and his brother asked as a favor. It was mindless work so I did but, he disrespected me in front of my boss, disrespected her and created problems for me as a result. I let him go and that caused friction at home which I discussed numerous times with my boyfriend, since I was made to be looked at as the "bad guy" at home. As I mentioned before I let bygones be bygones and turned to be more social and friendlier because I know it's only a matter of time before he leaves).

Someone please give me some serious advice for measures to take to make sure he leaves no matter what other circumstance comes up. I don't care if I look like the bad guy. I'm too a point where if he does not leave I will leave my boyfriend and never speak to him or his brother again based on principle if he stays longer.

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netla

Have you told your boyfriend you are considering leaving him over this? He may not realise how strongly you feel about the issue and the only way to make sure he realises is to discuss it with him.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 8:28AM
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lazy_gardens

Face it - the guy isn't going to leave. Why should he? He doesn't have to take care of his messes, he's allowed to invite anyone he wants in, and he's not even paying his full share of the rent. It's a sweet deal.

Definitely have a talk - just you and your boyfriend - asking when the "few months" is going to be over. Point out that the guy is still unemployed, you feel unsafe with the strangers he's inviting in, and he's making more work for you by not cleaning up his messes. This is not the living arrangement you thought you were getting. Right now, he's letting an acquaintance make life hard for the woman he supposedly cares for, and you want it to stop.

And, find another place to live short-term. Move there and tell the BF to let you know when the freeloader is gone and it's safe to come back.

And change the locks after the freeloader moves out. You have no clue who he gave keys to.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 12:18PM
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belleftl

Netla, I've told him how serious it is and that I'll be okay to leave him should his friend not leave at the end of September like he is suppose to. Based on this understanding and my conversation with him, he understand that I will and that I am good for my word. Which is why he assured me that he'd be gone. I don't care if this guy moves out and lives next door, on his bike or with his "acquaintance's" parents (she still lives at home too), I want him out of my house.

Lazygardens, I have made preparations to stay with a friend in case I become at my wits ends. But on that same note, why should I let him run me out of my house? I'm on the lease, not him. I've decided to wait and be patient for the end of September to roll around. This is a long time as it is only July. I will also take your advice and change all of the locks when he lives.

In reading what you both had to say/ask, I've learned my lesson, and friends will not impose on you nor will they take advantage of your kindness, no matter how bad their situation is. Real friends will help themselves and only seek other help as a last resort. My boyfriend and his brother are selfish in a sense to put me in this situation, after I've expressed my discontent and to even think that I would pay a portion of their friend's rent. I will not ever allow myself to be put in this situation again under no circumstances.

Thanks...

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 12:54PM
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dilly_dally

Posted by belleftl: "Friends will not impose on you nor will they take advantage of your kindness."

Should be:

"Friends Boyfriends will not impose on you nor will they take advantage of your kindness."

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 1:50PM
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neesie

You're still giving this guy until the end of September??? After reading your first paragraph (sorry) but I could tell you were a doormat. Nobody is going to listen to you at this point. You should have asserted yourself when you got the gut feeling when your boyfriend "asked" if loser-boy could move in.

What kind of man are you with, anyway???

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 8:33PM
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erin007

belleftl,

I think you have done the best you can considering the situation. It was a mistake and we all learn from our mistakes.. that's how we all grow.

I can tell you're a nice girl and wanted to give a helping hand to somebody when they were down and out. Hey.. because what if it were you right? But this loser has taken advantage of his friends in the worst possible way and he needs to go.

Do yourself a favor and don't you back down if he "conveniently" can't find a place to crash... I wonder if he's even looking?

My word... this man is 31 years old.. you even helped him find a job and he managed to screw that up too?! Dude needs to get his life together big time.

This is what parents and siblings are for!! He's taking advantage of your boyfriend's and his brother's kindness and causing them to do the same thing to you. You are right.. it is NOT your problem.

I would start finding apartment brochures online and lay them out for him to look at.

If I were you I would even speak to him and remind him he needs to be out by x day and tell your boyfriend since he's HIS friend he needs to keep prodding him and ensuring that he will indeed be out AS PROMISED.

Otherwise.. you are gone for good. Because seriously, if your boyfriend can't handle this messy situation that he's gotten you both into then what does that say about your future life together?

Hope this helps and good luck! :)

You know what they say.. "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

    Bookmark   July 26, 2009 at 9:31PM
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belleftl

Thanks erin007. Great approach on the brochures! I didn't think of that! I have been dropping hints here and there to both my boyfriend and his brother about him leaving. "Well, he's moving out by that time anyway...", and I've not heard any resistance from them to my comments. So, I am patiently waiting for that day to come and believe me I will not back down no matter what the present circumstance is. Giving in, will only give them the okay to continue to take advantage of me. They'll have to get over it. Their friend must leave. As you mentioned I will make sure the boyfriend reminds him one month before about finding a place.

Thanks

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 4:06PM
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