first time...renting with friend and her bf

trayc04January 29, 2006

my friend and her boyfriend asked me to get an apartment with them. its two bedrooms two baths so i will have my own bathroom. the thing is that i wanted to get internet hooked up in my room so that i can do research projects and stay intouch with my family. well because her boyfriend got in some kind of trouble with the internet. she doesnt want me to get it. it would be in my room. hooked up to my laptop. first of all he souldnt go into my room to start with. also she wont let us get a house phone because she doesnt want him to be able to use the phone to call his friends. If i was going to pay for the internet...or a phone line (even though i have a cell phone so i prolly wont) is it wrong for me to do it since i am going to pay half of the rent and utilities? or should i not do it so that it doesnt cause problems with them

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As someone who has been around the block a few times, I'm sensing a little chaos here. One of two things going on here, either this guy is trouble or your friend is too controlling. I would like to know just what kind of trouble this guy got into on the internet. You sound like a nice, innocent and responsible person who is focused on your studies, these people and possibly their friends have the potential to drag you down into a world of trouble. You are focused on your studies an d your family, what are your friends activities and will they interfear w/ yours ? will they stay up late partying or arguing ? can you afford a place of your own ? will you feel safe living alone ? these are the questions you need to ask yourself.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 11:53PM
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How to be kind here? If anyone told me that I could not have Internet or my choice of phone, I would be outta there, ASAP. Whether he's a real bad guy or she's controlling, either way it's a bad deal. Leave them to their isolated life of who-knows-what. Find yourself a little studio place. Easy for me to say, but that's what I'd do. Good luck.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 2:57AM
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PLEASE do not get involved with these two..believe me it can only lead to bad news..If you are able to get yourself a nice studio or small one bedroom you will be better off. There is nothing like a peace of mind and security. If you are worried about living alone ask somone you can feel comfortable with and trust me the BF situation is always bad...Three is truly a crowd, he has issues and as a young lady (I assume)you should not be involved with this type of arrangement..Good luck!! I would tell the same things to younger my sisters/niece

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 11:27AM
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Do not move in with them. Doesn't matter who's right or wrong. You have different needs than your friend in a living arrangement. Don't do it. This is an unhappy living situation and the end of a friendship waiting to happen.

At least you have discovered some of your issues before moving in together. Much better than signing a year's lease, moving in, and then being unhappy and stuck for a year.

And, for what it's worth... 1) um, no telling you you can't have internet or phone that you want to pay for is not really reasonable. She may have her reasons, and if you didn't mind that's one thing, but you do mind. 2) Why would you be paying half the rent and utilities? Slightly more than 1/3 I would buy since you get your own room and bathroom, but you are still using only 1/3 of the utilities, 1/3 of the kitchen/living room/etc. I sense some taking-advantage-of going on here.

I've lived with roommates for years, had lots of different roommates, have never had a problem with one. Not only do I like the savings in housing costs, unlike many people, I genuinely enjoy living with a roommate. I would not for a second consider moving in to the situation you're describing.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 12:57PM
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typo in the first only paying 1/3 of the rent. she said that her and her bf had a fight because some girl that he knew tried to say that he was cheating on her or something to that effect. and she doesnt want him on the net all day long. The reason she doesnt want the phone is because alot of his friends are into illegal things and she doesnt want him to have free acess to a phone to call them. (he doenst have a cell either). i dont really mind the whole phone thing unless it becomes a problem with my phone not working. and I talked to her about the internet and she said if i really wanted it to tell him that my parents pay for it and monitor it. but i dont feel that i should have to lie

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 6:13PM
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alot of his friends are into illegal things
I would not want to live with someone like this. Never know what would happen if something illegal is done or brought into the apt without the friend or yours' knowledge. Or be sucked into something you do not want to be a part of. I would run farrrr away from this arrangement and find another roommate or a place alone with no troubles lurking behind. It is not worth it living that way when you have to worry about unknown junks.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 6:30PM
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trayc- it's a train wreck waiting to happen. What will stop him from breaking into your room to steal your PC, jewelry, etc? Wake up and run far and fast from these two.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 9:21PM
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I got a place with a friend. Her boyfriend was ALWAYS over. I felt like an intruder in my own house. I ended up staying in my bedroom most of the time because he was there more than I was. He hogged the TV in the living room, ate food from the fridge without asking who's it was and didn't clean up at all. I got tired of coming home from work and going straight to my room for privacy so I got my own place.

Your friend doesn't have any right telling you that you can't have internet service in your own bedroom. She's not your mother and it sounds like she's trying to control her bad boy boyfriend. HE sounds like bad news. Will he have these "questionable" friends over when your friend isn't around? That would make me real nervous. Do you really want to live with someone who's friends are into "illegal" things? If you are sure you want to move into a situation like this, at least put a lock on your bedroom door so things don't "disappear" while your at work, etc.

Like goods says, your probably better off moving into your own studio apt than hooking up with these two.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 10:37PM
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I wrote a long post, and then lost it--phooey!

But I agree w/ all these other folks. Don't get your *home* tangled up w/ this.

You don't want to live with someone whose friends are into illegal things. Doing illegal things is essentially the result of a lack of boundaries and a phenomenally out-of-whack sense of entitlement. Sound like anything you want near where sleep, stash your most valuable stuff, and relax? No.

Even if *he* doesn't intend to do illegal stuff, his friend a) have no boundaries; and b) think they're entitled to pretty much anything they want. Do you want them anywhere near you? They will be, if your home is his home.

And it's very likely that *he* has the same boundary/entitlement issues.

Find someone else to room with. Live w/ family for a while, or something. Get the dinkiest studio on the block.

But protect your peace at home by not tangling your privacy and haven up w/ this kind of mess.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2006 at 9:22AM
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Not in a heartbeat. You could really be caught up in something bad right up to your eye teeth, my dear. Here's what you wrote:

1. No internet because he got in trouble with it (somehow).

2. No phone so he can't call his friends who, reading between the lines, must be trouble.

3. Sounds like the two of them have lots of problems.

I guess you could get a lock put on your bedroom door for while you're away, but do you really want to live like that? How well do you know her? Him? Have you seen the apartment and is it kept reasonably clean? You sound very sweet. Hope you can find something better for yourself.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2006 at 9:15PM
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"she said that her and her bf had a fight because some girl that he knew tried to say that he was cheating on her or something to that effect"

"she doesnt want him on the net all day long. The reason she doesnt want the phone is because a lot of his friends are into illegal things and she doesnt want him to have free acess to a phone to call them."


They are going to be having SCREAMING fights over his cheating and excessive net use (doesn't he WORK?), his friends are "into illegal things" and will be visiting you and as others pointed out, either bringing the illegal activities with them or stealing your stuff to buy illegal things.

This is NOT a good living situation ... it's a Jerry Springer show in the making!

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 2:26AM
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Dear Tray c04,
I sincerely hope your question is a put on, because if it isn't, you are in real danger of harm. It makes me think of girls who date guys everyone warns them not to, they don't listen and end up abused and even killed.
These people are TROUBLE. If the guy is into drugs, do you really think you're safe, even in another room? No phone, no internet; for you it spells isolation. Bad, bad scene.
Lawmakers say women need to trust their instincts. Victims will say they felt something was 'wrong'; they were 'uneasy' about getting into a situation. But because they distrusted that little voice inside themselves and didn't want to be 'rude', they ended up getting attacked. And I think deep down inside you are already ill at ease about this, or you wouldn't be asking. Pay attention to that inner warning.
If this 'friend' of yours knows the guy is into drugs and she still wants to move in together with him, you for sure can't trust her! She's already wanting you to lie. What if the cops come looking for him? What if he has a weapon? Do you know that he isn't into selling the stuff? Do you think they'd tell you about it? Right now they need your money. Period.
Even if you've already agreed, run, sweetie, run. Your wellbeing is more important that a bad, and possibly dangerous, friendship.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 2:46AM
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I can't say anything that hasn't been said so eloquently above. But I do have to pull a Dr. Phil and say, "What are you thinking??"

Seriously...RUN, do not walk. I don't know how old you are, but you're either too young to get involved with crap like this or too old to tolerate it. There is no good that can possibly come out of this situation.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2006 at 9:21PM
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"Advice is what you ask for when you know the answer, but wish you didn't." (If anyone knows who said this first, please tell me. I'd like to give proper credit.)

Please-I am begging you-heed the advice everyone above me has posted.

It sounds to me like you're going to do it anyway, but I wish you wouldn't.

Think of the one or two adults in your life who you respect the most. Now imagine explaining your situation to them and asking for their advice. What do you think they would say?

    Bookmark   March 4, 2006 at 11:03PM
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ok well i didnt take any advice. and i moved in with them. things are ok i guess. his friends arent really that bad. when they come over they only drink which i can deal with. we are getting a phone and once we get money straight we might get the internet.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2006 at 2:50PM
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I was wondering what you'd decided. Thanks for coming back and letting us know.

I wish you luck, and hope it continues to be OK.

I know a lot of people in your situation (sharing an apt) end up not having a landline and each getting their own cell phone. They get the convenience of a cell phone, they don't have to bug one another to chip in and pay their part of the phone bill, and they can take their number with them if their living arrangements change (which it often does for renters).

    Bookmark   March 17, 2006 at 11:26AM
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